Change of plans...or mind set...

So after I blogged and had all the WOO HOO of starting and doing it and changing...UGH...life happened. I set myself with SO many things to fix or change or do, that I didn't know where to really start.

The day after I posted that, I visited with an incredible example & friend to me, Susan...she helped me talk through things, really put things into perspective like I wanted, and get me thinking in a way that I hadn't considered. Right now I have a lot on my "plate"...a LOT of Becki that I need to get figured out, balanced, and taken care of. And maybe, JUST maybe, my physical looks, size, weight, ALL that...maybe that isn't what's most important right now. Until I have a clear head/mind...the desire or ambition to do the physical changes won't be there. I've tried and failed TOO many times...so ya. I had an eye opening thought process...that I can handle doing little changes...choices throughout the day that would be better, but not a COMPLETE change right now. And I'm ok with that...it took a time to get where I am now...and I KNOW it's going to take a LOT of time to get to where I want to be. So I need to work on patience with myself...wish me luck!!

Well...that was a Wednesday night...that weekend Ryan & I got to go to a marriage retreat...a marriage REcharge!!! It was fabulous...I needed to be recharged!! Whew!!! The information that was taught, the people who presented, the time that was put in, the spirit that was there...WOW WOW WOW...I don't know what else to say. It was JUST what I needed and just what would lift me up. In that weekend, I was able to meet Becky Mackintosh. WOW...she is a powerhouse...as is her husband. She said some things, and then talked with Ryan & I after, and it just hit me. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to make crazy/elaborate changes right now, I need to focus on ME, on MY faith, on MY relationship with my Heavenly Father...I need to be healthy in my spiritual stuff, and THAT'S what really matters right now.

Everything in life is connected...physical, emotional, spiritual, mental...it's all tied together...and lately I've realized just HOW important our spiritual health is. The knowledge that I have of a Heavenly Father...that I AM His daughter, that HE loves me...NO MATTER WHAT. I need to really KNOW that...I need to remember and KNOW that I am worth more then the number on the scale...the size of my pants...any of that. YES being healthy is important, and I'll get there...but right now, when I'm struggling and SO low on myself and my self esteem...I NEED to refocus and pray for help and strength to truly KNOW WHO I AM.

This thought is another topic ^^^^^^^^^^^, I've had with Susan.

She has done so much to remind me that I AM enough...I DO enough...and sometimes it just doesn't stick. BUT I'm getting there. I'm grateful for the people in my life right now, because they truly, TRULY are my rocks...they help me when I need it most. They lift me when I'm down...they remind me of my eternal purpose and my Heavenly Father, and His unending love for ME. Not because I did something...but simply because I am ME, and am HIS daughter. What a blessing that is to know...and I am praying daily for help to truly KNOW this...because we all need to realize our worth.

Here are a couple awesome thoughts from President Uchtdorf...they've stuck out to me a lot in the last couple months.

So for now this is my plan...working on ME. Working on knowing my worth and the love people have for me, as well as loving myself. If I don't truly love myself, how then can I truly know what it is to love others!?!?!

Back at it.....ugh...AGAIN...

Well.....Where do I begin...

 

I don't know...I'm just so, SOO incredibly frustrated with myself. It's now November 2014 and I'm no better off then I was in January 2014 when I last posted anything...in fact I'm worse I think. Physically at least...I can say though that I've only gained 7 lbs since January, which ISN'T cool, but it could be a lot worse. So now I have 80 lbs to get to where I was when I had this sweet baby girl 18 months ago...

 

She has really brought SO much joy and happiness to our family, but I'm so disgusted with how I've let myself go...I can't handle seeing pictures of me, looking in the mirror, being in a swimsuit, "dressing" up for anything...I'm just grossed out. I know that my worth is NOT based on my weight or the number on the scale or the size of my clothes...but I KNOW that I can be better...I KNOW that I can do better...and the fact that I've let myself go for TOO long, I'm just upset. :(

 

The clothes I have hardly fit...even my "bigger" clothes from when I lost weight before...they're getting too small and I'm just uncomfortable. I'm at a loss as to where to even begin. It all seems TOO overwhelming, I make TOO many excuses, I have ZERO motivation or determination because I feel like I'll just fail. What is wrong with me? I know it didn't happen overnight to PUT this weight on, so I KNOW it's going to take time AND effort to get it off again. I'm just angry with myself. UGH...

 

Here are some pictures of ME over the last 5 months...and I don't have many others...and if I do, they're ONLY head shots. I can't handle seeing full body shots of myself. It's just BAD...

June 2014



July 2014

Sept. 2014

 

Oct 2014

Sometimes I FEEL cute in pictures...like the two above...but even still...I have to sit just right so my double chin isn't showing or anything like that. Even my cheeks and face...ugh...:( Just makes me sad...

BUT...the thing that makes me the MOST upset I think...besides the way I look or feel...the fact that I CAN'T, I CAN'T wear my wedding ring. :( My fingers have gotten too fat...you can still see the indention on my ring finger where it SHOULD be, (because I wore it for SO long with it being so tight), but I can't even get it on now. It's pathetic...and it breaks my heart...

TONIGHT

 

So here I go...where do I start?? What do I do?? Baby steps right...I KNOW I can't do things cold turkey...I can't, that just sets me up to fail. It's ALL in moderation...and I HAVE to make changes.

Anyone have suggestions?? Advice?? Wanna help me?? Wanna join me??

I went to Zumba tonight...for the first time in a LOOOOOOOOONG time. I thought I was going to die. But my wonderful, encouraging, loving instructor Shelly is doing a "12 weeks to New Years", see it HERE and I've gotta get on that too. I love that it's ONE thing a week to improve on, so by the time the new year comes, we'll already be on our way to changing!!!

Anyways...I'm going to be posting and blogging and starting this all again. I need to...I NEED to do something, and this is a way for me to be held accountable. Thanks to all who LOVE me for who I am, regardless of my faults...I'm up for anyone that REALLY wants to join me in this...cuz this is for REAL for me...it's gotta happen...

The Light DOES come...after all the dust clears

 

Well it's been an interesting, overwhelming, thought provoking, blessing filled week for Becki Jones...funny how things work out to all make more sense after quite a bit of time.
Last week I was encouraged at my counseling appointment to write my feelings down, everything that was inside me and how I was feeling. WOW...what an experience that was...I didn't think it would be much, but once I started writing it all just came pouring out. It was cool...
I've gone back and forth on what to do with this...yes I've taken other steps and done more with it personally, and I can tell you that the blessings that have come to me are incredible. It's what I've been waiting for, for a LONG time...so what a huge relief, blessing, and a great sense of peace to come over me. All along though, I've felt that I should post it, so that's what I'm doing...Ryan thinks that maybe it's something that can help others at some point...and it has truly been a HUGE help and relief for me...so here it is~~~~~~



All of these things have been pretty major issues for me since receiving an anonymous letter in the mail. My anger, self doubt, self worth is LOW, constantly wondering what everyone around me might be thinking about me. I can’t face people or things I need to because of what I feel like inside. I’ve hid in my house, in my comfort zone, in my bubble for almost 18 months now, and I’m sick of hurting. My thoughts and beliefs of myself are lower then any other time in my life. The anger inside that I suffer from and the anxiety I feel when I have to face my neighbors and members of my ward. It’s not easy. I can’t listen to or see certain people talk, write, smile, or be happy at all, because I am hurting & suffering SO much inside, so WHY is it fair that they are  or can be so happy??? It’s NOT fair and what did I do to deserve this much pain and hurt?? I’ve suffered and lost almost 18 months of my life due to all of the affects of YOUR words and that letter.

When you wrote what you did, did you honestly look at the accusations, the cruelty, the blame, and the innocent people you listed, and feel that it was REALLY worth the PAIN, AGONY, TEARS, and endless HURT it would cause me?? Did you put yourself in MY shoes and consider how it would feel to receive something SO dishonest, SO unkind, SO painful?? And then to claim and say it was written out of LOVE??? What kind of love is that? Is that the same kind of love you show to your family and loved ones, to your true/closest friends?? There was NO love in any word or part of that letter, NO care or concern how much this would truly affect me. So what gave you the right to do it AND then not even put your name on it? If it was out of love, concern, and kindness, why not claim that and ADMIT that you did it??

I haven’t been able to be the wife, mother, friend, sister, Young Women’s leader, or any other responsibility I may have, to the BEST of my ability since I opened that letter. My mind, thoughts, love of myself, confidence, and many other things were completely shaken and turned upside down. As if I didn’t already struggle with depression, then to receive that, find out I’m pregnant, AND try to process it all and put all the pieces back together?? I couldn’t do it...and I still can’t, after all this time. I don’t know if it’s had a lasting affect on you, but it has had a major one on me AND my husband. More then I can explain, express, or share. It has not been easy by any means. My faith, testimony, and beliefs have wavered. I’m not one to be offended or scared away very easily, but this came from no where and completely knocked my feet out from under me.

We never truly know how our words or actions will affect another person, but I can honestly say that I, to this day, am VERY cautious now about who I let into my life, into my family, into my home, and into my heart because this has shown me that you never know how betrayed and hurt you can be by ONE person.

I can honestly say that I know that I am now on the path and taking the proper steps needed for Becki to get to a better place. No matter the numbers of professionals it takes, along with the incredible atonement of our Savior, I know I can heal and move forward. I’m sorry you felt the need to do this to me, but I won’t let it hold me back any longer, I deserve to be happy again. I AM worth that, and I DESERVE it.

 

 

So there you have it...a LOT of pent up feelings that have been stored away for too long. Through this entire process, I have had the incredible blessing and opportunity to TRULY see, feel, and know just how much MY Savior, Jesus Christ, has done for ME. The pains, feelings, burdens have been lifted. Sure I still remember, and will still be cautious and careful about who I really open up to, but now I know also that I have the power to decide how I will act and react. I don't have to give that power to anyone else...it is MINE and I deserve to be who I am and be happy, because that is the REAL Becki. It's still a work in progress...I'm still on the journey...and I still have a lot to learn/process. BUT...I am in a different place then I was a year ago, a month ago, a week ago...it has been totally worth it. And I will NOT quit...I'm ready for the blessings and happiness to come!! 

 

 

 

Realizations coming from my EARLIER years...hmmmm...

Well as I write this...I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind the last couple weeks. It's been a tough couple weeks...and I've been through an emotional whirlwind...but I'm coming out on top. But I wanted to talk/write about things that I thought about over the weekend.

As we were doing "Saturday chores" I was doing stuff and witnessing the actions of my kids as I usually do...and I realized that I am a LOT harder on my boys at times then I am Aysha. Yes...she gets on my nerves, and she bugs her brothers, and she wants to be involved and included but isn't. So I know it's hard for her. So that got me thinking, reflecting, and realizing all the pains/struggles/raw emotions I STILL have from growing up. Dumb huh!?!?!?

It got me thinking, and I say it to my kids a LOT, about how mean it is to treat your sister that way. There are a LOT more boys in our neighborhood and Aysha gets left out a lot...she wants to be included but is usually ignored or left out or just involved because she HAS to be. It's frustrating to watch...but I think I'm realizing that it's more frustrating to me BECAUSE that was me growing up. I struggled with that from the time I was 10-18...it was rough. Yes some times were better then others...but a good majority of it was not easy. Growing up between 2 boys was interesting...yes I learned a lot from my brothers, and no I'm not always "lady-like" like I should be, BUT I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love my brothers...don't get me wrong...but those years are awkward and hard anyways...so throw something else into it and they're even harder. So as I watch and see how Aysha is treated, excluded, and sad...it brings back a LOT for me.

I wasn't the "popular" girl in school, I didn't hang out a lot outside of home, I didn't have really GOOD friends until probably my junior/senior year, my brothers tag-teamed me and weren't very nice, and my sisters were grown up and moved away so I didn't feel like I had anyone. I cried a LOT...just ask my brothers...my Dad would just have to look at me and the tears would come...I was embarrassed a lot...I am realizing now that I didn't/don't have as high of self confidence as I thought I did. I really don't like myself most of the time...and I am realizing through stuff lately...that it stems back to my growing up years. Crazy huh!?!?! I always thought I was strong, I was happy, I was ok with who I was...but now at 30 years old...I'm realizing that's not the case. WOW huh!!!

So let me share some more...my brothers were always in sports or in groups or on teams...I wasn't. I was always known as "Klous' little sister" or "Andy's sister" or "Danny's older sister" or many other things I can't remember or choose not to remember!! :) I was told a lot that I was a baby...that I wasn't cute/pretty...that I was fat or not skinny like so and so...that I'm just the "janitor" on the ship instead of the "captain, lieutenant, or anything higher"...(which this one we STILL joke about and I'm totally fine with...I think???) But as I went and saw a mental health specialist a couple months ago...he had me bring up things from my childhood, and I opened up and realized JUST how much those things really did have an effect on how I look at myself.

It was hard...when was I going to be known as BECKI!?!??! When would people know me or recognize me for ME and not just a sister to my brothers!?!?! So when I see Klous or Kyson not including Aysha...it hurts me too. When the boys team up and no one wants to include Aysha...it's sad to me. Yes she's sad too...but I think it hurts me more because I haven't completely dealt with MY issues. I don't want her to feel like this when she's grown up...I want her to be confident, I want her to be happy, I want her to LOVE herself, and I want others to know Aysha for all that AYSHA does...not other people!!!

 



Now please don't get me wrong...I LOVE my brothers to pieces...I love ALL my siblings...my brothers have (for the most part) apologized for how they treated me, what they said, and how it may have hurt. The day that happened, it truly meant the world to me...for them to realize that he realized that it really wasn't nice. I appreciated that more then he knows I think!! I am closer to my brothers now then I ever have been...and it's really hard at times that they're in Minnesota with their families and I'm in Utah...and I'm grateful for the brothers that I have.

I just thought I needed to share this and get it down...because it helps us all to look back and realize just HOW FAR back things can affect us. Never would I have thought that, when I was 12, I would still be effected by things that were said to me...I thought my skin was thicker then that, but I was wrong. I know I am trying to do better to help my kids realize how we should treat others and not just say things, they do hurt, and the can have lasting effects on them.

Emotions...

Well it's been awhile since I wrote on here...and man has it been interesting lately!!!

So Ryan & I started this challenge group thing...and last week we did GREAT!!! Well, for the most part...we followed our meal plans, exercised daily, and did better at getting more rest (minus Ayzlee being sick and not really sleeping)...ugh!! Anyways...we were doing it and then I hit a rut...an EMOTIONAL rut. Beating myself up, wanting to quit, not seeing any results that I thought was good enough...so I had had it...I wanted to just be done. Yet again something that I FAILED at right!?!?! Well Friday morning came and our "coach" Eric encouraged us to weigh in Friday and then again Monday to show us just what a weekend can do...so I weighed in Friday...and I was DOWN 5+ lbs...I was shocked!!! It really WAS working...and I WAS succeeding!!! Wow...just when I think I'm failing, I realize I'm not!!!

That gave me energy...that gave me motivation...that gave me a desire to keep going. I weighed in again on Monday morning and I had maintained all weekend...and that was with a crazy schedule, going out to eat, treating myself to a treat...and LIVING!!! It was great!!!

Well then came Monday morning...some know, some don't...BUT I'm doing therapy stuff and trying to get to the roots of my issues, thoughts, self worth feelings, and all of that...it's TOUGH. So while talking things out Monday...a LOT came out, and he got a LOT closer to the true roots of my problems...I cried and cried and CRIED. It was very emotional for me...it was WAY more then I wanted to deal with and go through...again. I've had to talk about things that I've pushed aside and buried for a LONG time...and I didn't want to dig it up, even though I knew it would most likely help me.

Anyways...I did it...and the last few days have been pretty tough for me...which means I'm turning to OLD habits instead of taking the good habits and putting them to use. I want to hide in my house...I want to eat junk...I want to not eat at all...I want to sleep...I want to be alone...I just don't want to deal with ANYTHING. I want this to go away, but I guess deep down I don't want to DO what I need to do. Just take it away...it sucks and I don't like it anymore. Ugh...:(

 

 I'm trying to get back on track...but I've been in such a LOW spot that I can't seem to crawl far enough out. It's ridiculous...I'll get there...but it'll take time...one day at a time...

 



I have a LOT on my mind...I have a LOT to get through...and I have a LOT to let go of. It probably won't be easy...ok...I know it won't be easy...but I can do it...I can get through it...with time. I need to realize and remember the things that pull me OUT of these funks...I need to realize how much joy and satisfaction I DO get from exercise...how much joy I feel when I stand on the scale and see numbers going down...I want to be there again...I want to be upset, mad, and frustrated and KNOW that I can go work it off...instead of eat it up. You know!?!?! Someday...hopefully right!?!?!

 



One last thought...I saw this and thought it fit for me VERY well right now...(minus the part about sticking up your middle finger, cuz I don't do that)...but the rest of it TRULY fits all that I'm feeling and holding on to. When I can get to the point again of not worrying about what others think...not comparing myself to everyone else...not thinking that I'll NEVER be good enough until...fill in the blank...I can start to love myself. That's something I haven't had in a LONG time too. And if I don't love myself, then I feel WHY would anyone else love me?? WHY!?!?!

That's a lot of thought for tonight...I've got a LOT on my mind and could just keep going...but I need to process things first I think. So to each of you who read this...thank you for loving Becki for Becki...thank you for being my friend or in my support group...thank you for accepting me despite my faults...thank you for being there. It all means more then you know!!! Here's to a better day tomorrow...and staying on track again!!! :)

I want...I want...I want...

Alright...it's been a few days again. It's been busy around here...we got new windows/doors the last couple days and I've been trying to balance everything. Also with life, work, kids, sleep, naps, food, and reality...we're trying to figure out this eating better/exercise schedule for us. We need to get it in each day...so we've gotta make it a priority!!!

 

Well we've been following some recipes/guidelines for meals through the "Live the Life" plan...the recipes are pretty easy and delicious!!! They are kind of low on calories, and we've had to figure out what we're lacking, what more we need, and how to deal with the headaches and such that come from making changes!!! I've been on pop for FOUR days now...and I've had a pretty nasty headache for the last 3 days...I don't know if it's just the pop...or not enough water...or not enough calories...or not enough sleep...or ALL of the above!?!?! I don't know...but I keep pushing through it. I have to!!! I've got to show myself I can succeed and do this again!!!

 

There are a few of the recipes that Ryan and I are really proud of and enjoying!!! This is one meal we made for dinner one night...it's a BBQ Chicken wrap and Apple Crunch Chicken salad...they were both SOO good!!!

 

 

 

So we're slowly figuring things out...but it sure takes time. We've been going to the Rec centers and trying to get something in. Monday night we met Ryan's sister Shauna there and we walked/ran/rode bikes and whatever we felt inclined to do. It was good. Tuesday night I went to Zumba...WOW...I am SO out of shape. I was DYING after the 3rd song. I can't believe how quickly you lose the energy, stamina, ability to KEEP GOING!!! I wanted to quit and leave, but I knew I'd be upset with myself. So I pushed through that also and finished!!! It was SO great being back, seeing friends and my Zumba family that I have truly missed!!! I'm so grateful for each of them and their love!!!

 

Now I'm having a tough time...I know what I want...but I still get discouraged...I feel like I'm failing. I really need to forgive myself and realize it IS ok to eat a treat and it won't ruin everything I'm doing. I know I can't live without treats, sugar, pop for the rest of my life...that is just setting me up to fail...BUT I also know that I need to limit it and take moderation into consideration with EACH and EVERY choice!!! This next picture shows me EXACTLY what I want...I want that body back...I want that smile back...I want to feel and be healthier. I KNOW I can do it...but it won't be easy. It takes a LOT of work...it takes a LOT of determination...it takes a LOT of self control...and I CAN do this...I've done it before, why is this time any different!?!?! I WILL get that Becki back...I deserve it!!!

 

Little steps = BIG aches sometimes...

So yesterday Ryan's sister Shauna asked us if we'd be up for joining them at the Provo Rec center to play in the water or something. The boys wanted to play basketball for awhile and then go swimming in the water park. I really did want to go and hang out with the family...BUT I did NOT want to go swimming. As I said yesterday...NONE of my clothes fit, I don't like myself in anything, and I was NOT going to put on a swimsuit...so I decided that I'd push Ayzlee in the stroller and we'd walk the track or something.
And that's what we did...we walked...and walked...and walked some more until I needed some drinks and to stretch. Yes...one of these days I'll REALLY learn that I need to stretch BEFORE too. So we'd walk some laps and then stop for a drink...then I walked a couple more laps and decided I wanted to try something else. So I go on one of the bikes...I couldn't believe how incredibly exhausted I was. In all I did 9-10 laps around the track...(I don't know if it's 5 or 6 laps that make a mile there???) and then I did 7 minutes on the bike. I was DYING...my legs were shaking...heart was pounding...body was aching...and I was SO out of breath. Unbelievable...but I did it!!! AND it felt good...the pain felt good!!! The aches and sweat and pounding heart felt good!!!
So then comes today...my body was pretty tired and sore today...we cleaned up and got the holiday stuff put away...hung out as a family...and then decided to go to the rec center again...this time I DID go swimming with the kids...it was hard not to when my sweet Klous comes up to me and tells me, "Mom, it's ok because you're going to start exercising and eating better, so then you'll want to swim more." It was cute!!!

So now comes my honesty and venting...I had a BIG reality hit me today, and I can't seem to get over it. I know it's in the past...and I know I'm moving forward, but it just makes me sick to realize HOW far I've let myself go. When I was pregnant with Ayzlee, for those 9 months, I gained a WHOPPING 4 pounds...yes only 4 pounds. After she was born I was smaller, skinnier, and liked my body more then I had in a LONG time...and I dropped a lot more then that 4 lbs. Well here I am...Ayzlee will be 9 months NEXT week...and when I stood on the scale this morning, to prepare for a challenge we're starting Monday, I realized I have gained 75 pounds...yes, SEVENTY-FIVE pounds. DISGUSTING...I've been just disgusted all day...WHY?? HOW?? WHAT was I thinking!?!?! UGH....this is how I felt when I stood on it...and reality hit...



Anyways...here I am...preparing and getting ready a challenge starting Monday. It's a challenge to lose 4% of my body weight in 30 days...that's doable right!?!?! RIGHT??? I can do this...WE can do this...Ryan & I are doing this together and trying to recruit more family to join us!!! It's a GREAT jump start and kick-off. I'm also going to start going back to Zumba...I miss it. I miss the people/friends/family I've got there. I miss the endorphins it helped me burn. I miss the joy it brought me...so I will be back this week. Exhausted as ALL get out, but I'll be there!!!