Hmmmm????

So I have changed in a lot of aspects in my life lately...I'm trying to get back on track and back to where I want to be. I want to be healthy...I want to be in shape...I want life to be good...I want to be able to play with my kids without being winded...I want I want I want...
Well I've also realized that I want to help and influence others in taking the first step...to trying things and starting slow to at least do something!?!?! I have some ideas and thoughts running around in my head...I talk to Ryan about them...and we both have goals and ideas of how to accomplish these things...but I just struggle.
I worry about what others will think...I worry if it will offend them or upset them...I worry that we won't succeed...and I worry that it'll be a total and complete FLOP. 
I know I shouldn't care...I know I should do what's best for me and my family...but I still always think about others. I've always been like that...I always put others feelings and happiness before my own at times...and that's really something I need to improve on. 
I'm sure you all think this is a complete and utter BLABBING post...but I had to get thoughts out. I really do want to help...I really do want others to feel confident in themselves...and I want to do whatever I can to help them get there...hmmmm....what to do!?!?!

Struggling...

So here I find out that I might have Mono...so I slept a LOT this last weekend...no Mono...but have an UNBEARABLE pain in my thumb. I can't move it...ya...do you all realize how much your thumb really does?!?!?! A LOT...

do up your bra...pull up your pants...button your pants...zip up your jacket...PICK UP YOUR KIDS...change diapers...take off bottle & sippy cup lids...hold the steering wheel of the van...open doors...wash your hair...EVERYTHING...I can't believe it...

I had to know what it was...so I got into the Dr this afternoon...he is the Sports Medicine Dr for BYU Athletics...so I told him right off...I am NOT a BYU football or basketball player...so don't think you're just gonna pop it back into place. He was surprised how much pain I was in...and that I really couldn't move it...he tried testing my resistance and seeing how I could bend it...Oh wait...I CAN'T...so he told me what it was...

De Quervain's Tenosynovitis

Ya...whatever that is huh!!! It's basically an inflamed tendon that runs down your thumb to your wrist...and it HURTS...he put me in a splint and said if it doesn't start feeling better in a week then I'll need a cortisone shot and I'll feel good as knew?!?!? So here we go...OUCH...I couldn't believe how painful it was for him to touch it...put the splint on...and do the resistance things...I was hurting so much...I was sick to my stomach...shakey legs...and almost passed out. It was terrible...

This isn't the worst part...I can't take care of myself...OR my kids :( I am so beyond frustrated and have shed a LOT of tears...It's just not fair. Why when I try to take care of myself and do GOOD things...EVERYTHING hits me and knocks me down!?!? I couldn't even put my hand on my waist last night at Zumba...it just hurt?!?!? UGH...UGH...UGH... I"m so annoyed...my poor kids can't touch me without me freaking out if they get too close...and it just sucks...

I'm struggling...I need help...lift-me-ups...or SOMETHING?!?!? I'm not really having any positive thoughts or feelings about any of this CRAP... :(

(now that it took 28 minutes to type this...UGH...)

Hooray!!

So I weighed in again this morning!! I'm down ANOTHER 2 lbs!! WooHoo :) :) :) I'm at 198 now...still got aways to go...but I'm succeeding!! Yay!! Last week was tough too...being sick and down...I over-did it on Wednesday by getting up WAY too early...then going more at night!! I also found out that since I'm not completely better from strep yet...I might not only have that...it might be Mono!?!? So ya...now I have to take it easy still...I can't stop going to Zumba...that just doesn't seem right!! I can modify that and do as much or as little as I want...but I'll have to not do spin, treadmills, or ellipticals or awhile maybe!?!?! I don't know!?!?!
Also...last week I REALLY wanted SWEET stuff...I wanted sugar and chocolate...the pop I had just tasted funny and was TOO bubbly for me!! But the sweet treats!! Yum!!! So I went out and got some of the 100 calorie packs...I don't know if those are really any better!?!? But I feel better JUST eating that pack!! Who knows?!?!? I'm still learning!!!
So here's to starting a new week...keeping better track of what I'm eating...what I'm doing...and getting MORE sleep!!! Oh...and drinking even more water too!! I'm ready for the warmer temps to come...I just want to walk outside and play!!! It'll be here soon...then we'll be complaining it's TOO hot!!! Here's to hoping and having a GOOD week!!!
Next week will have another weigh-in AND measurements!! Yikes!!

Thoughts...feelings...

So it's been a few days...and I've been thinking the last little while.

Last weekend I got in touch on Facebook with a guy I used to work with in Hudson, WI when we first got married. He was a good guy!! Made work fun and interesting...and always had to make comments about me being Mormon...or Amish...or whatever religion I was. He didn't know the difference. Then...when Ryan & I decided to move to Utah...he always made comments about me running into Donny & Marie for him...you know all the silly comments people make that don't really know much about our religion!! :) :) :)
Anyways...that's not what this post is about...I got in touch with him again...and he's made a LOT of changes in his life...one being losing weight, getting in shape, and changing his diet. I was inspired...it's been a few years for him now...but seeing what he can do now just AMAZES me. The workouts he's posted are insane...and are unimaginable to me. No way would I be able to do them at this point at least. 
I said something to that affect to him on his posts...and he told me when he started he couldn't do much either...but now look at him. He has encouraged me and given me some pointers and advice as to how to keep going. 
On his wall in the posts...(and I hope he's okay with me posting this)...he's got big, bold letters that say....

DECIDE...COMMIT...SUCCEED

I've thought about those words the last couple days. I think it's funny how I've gone 9+ years of marriage...and longer in my life...just eating whatever...buying new clothes when the ones I have get too small & tight...getting heavier and heavier...and more and more unhappy with myself. All of a sudden I've hit a point that I'm DONE...I'm done being this way...I'm done living this lifestyle...and I'm GOING to make the changes needed. For me and for my family...

Now that I've hit this point...I have gone in completely...gotten rid of the CRAP in my cupboards...purchased healthier foods and snacks for my family...made an exercise commitment...and am finding out that things ARE changing!! I am going to keep going...I am going to succeed even more...I WILL reach my goal!!!

But now I want to be there and help others too. I want to be an example and help to others!! So if any of you that read this want to join me on this journey...and really want to commit...let's do it!! WE CAN CHANGE...WE CAN SUCCEED...and WE WILL BE HAPPY!!! No better time to start then now right!! 

Thank you Eric for being an inspiration to me...for encouraging and being an example!!! You amaze me!!! 

Spinning...again!!

Well...this picture is about how I feel this morning...not because spin class wore me out, but just cuz I'm tired right now!! I've been up since 4:45 and I'm TIRED. But oh well...it was ALL worth it...and will get easier!!!

I started going to spin class in October...when my friend Amy asked if I wanted to join her...it was something different I'd never tried before...so I said why not!! Well after about the first week...the lady in the picture WAS me!! I was dying...my legs were sore...my butt was KILLING me from that small, little, seat...and I didn't know if I could keep going!!! We did it consecutively until the beginning of December...then came interruptions, sick kids, holidays...and we just stopped. My knees were bugging me then too...so it was good to back off a bit for me...although I continued going to Zumba!!!

Anyways...we started again this morning...we went ALL in and full force!!! We are doing the 5:15 a.m. class, so if we want to we can do the 6 a.m. on right after...do something else for an hour...or not!! This morning was GREAT!!! I thought for sure I'd be dying and so tired like I was on my first day of trying spin...but I wasn't!!! I could still breathe...I could manage with the gears...I could do the "in-saddle & out-of-saddle" stuff...it was awesome!! I'm getting into better shape...the exercise is paying off...and I'm able to DO the work-outs!!! Granted I did take it easy with not adding HIGH gears because of my knees...BUT I still worked hard. 

I didn't continue and do the next hour class too, like Amy did...(CRAZY lady!!)...but I did go do the elliptical machine for 30 minutes...and it felt GOOD!!! I'm loving this...I'm loving the energy it gives me...I'm loving the endurance I have to get through the programs...I'm loving the happiness it's bringing me...I just love it!!! 

So THANK YOU Amy for being there for me...for being willing to get up at the butt crack of dawn to do it!! Thank you for supporting me and encouraging me!! You're great and amazing yourself...and I'm lucky to have you in my support group!!! 

Here's to not feeling like the woman in the picture...but to lasting through the rides and more...and feeling GREAT!!! I can do it!!!

Oh ya...and I'm going to Zumba tonight!! WooHoo!!!

Hallelujah!!!!

So I wasn't going to post tonight...I didn't really want to...I'm tired...and my throat hurts a bit...and I'm just ready for bed. BUT....we had a decent day today...got the kids out of the house...hung out with great friends...and I went to ZUMBA tonight!! I forgot to weigh in this morning and see how I'm doing...so I thought I'd just do it tonight after Zumba and before I got in the shower!! I was worried, because of the crappy week last week...being sick...and not eating the best...

BUT.... 

I got ready and weighed in...sure enough...I'm at 200 lbs!!! YAY!!! HALLELUJAH!!! GO BECKI!!! I lost another 5 pounds...I couldn't believe it...I had to run out and tell Ryan cuz I was so excited!!! 

So bragging time for me...and I had to post tonight before going to bed!! Just another reason to keep going and working...because obviously it's doing me good!!! I also heard a suggestion from someone to only do body measurements once a month...so I'll be doing that the beginning of each month!! 

Anyways...just had to share...I'm thrilled and WILL keep going!!! YAY for me!!!

It WILL be a good week!!!

Ok...so this week WILL be better...how can it not when you see such a cute face as above!!! 

My family is pretty much on the mend...I think...knock on wood!!! We're all on anti-biotics...and actually doing okay!! Not to mention tomorrow is Martin Luther King, Jr day...which means BANK holiday...and Ryan is home!! Yay!!! So maybe we can actually get some stuff done around the house...relax...and maybe do something fun as a family...OH...and of course I've got Zumba tomorrow night!!!

 

Now here's another adorable smiley face!! Doesn't it just make you want to smile!!! You know they say...smiling is contagious!! It's hard to do it without getting one back!!! 

So another plus of this week...Ryan did our taxes tonight...(shun us if you want since he did it on Sunday)...just happened to be convenient and we were down at his parents house. Anyways...that's always a positive thing at the beginning of the year...at least since we've had 3 kids in 4 years...AND we're stinkin' POOR!!! So that was good to see and to be able to plan things out a little more. Which means there will be more talk of 10 year anniversary ideas and more reason for Becki to get in SHAPE!!! WooHoo :) :) :)

 

 

Alright...one more smiley face!! LOVE them!! Just make me happy!!! And I need that lately!!! 

Anyways...now for the main reason for another post on this blog...I've been thinking more about Weight Watchers...thinking about starting up spin class again...and thinking about good recipes or things I could try that are healthy!! A great friend brought dinner for us tonight...(which we've been SO well taken care of with being sick THANK YOU)...but she was so thoughtful. She made a dang healthy thing...and not only that, she brought rice for the hubby and kids...but made couscous for me...special!! Isn't that sweet...people don't need to go out of their way...but she just did it. I was nervous about eating it and trying it...but she was right...it was GOOD!!! So thank you for getting me to try something healthy!! And for lunch...Ryan and I had grilled chicken wraps with ranch on WHOLE WHEAT tortillas. Those were interesting...but good!! I can make these changes!!! I can do...I will do it...I NEED to do it. 

Thank you all for all your support...AMAZING comments...and thoughts. You are all great and so wonderful!! Thank you for being in my life...and here's to a better week!! And don't forget to SMILE :) :) :) 

Sick...and losing motivation...

So I'm still here...no post in a few days, because I've been a LOT under the weather :( I started feeling yucky on Wednesday night after a GREAT visit with a friend...Zumba class...and even a longer visit with the same GREAT friend!! I love her!! Anyways...I had the shakes/shivers...pounding headache...and just felt yucky. I thought it was another withdrawal headache cuz my body wanted sugar or caffiene or something...so I had a bowl of cereal..(fruit loops)...and it was WAY too much sugar...I felt nauseous after that. Went to bed...woke up Thursday and was WAY worse...throat was killing me...head was spinning/pounding...very very nauseous...my entire body hurt, sore and couldn't be touched...and just couldn't be a Mom. :( I was doing terrible, and luckily Ryan was able to come home...and then had to bring all 3 kids to their Dr. appts alone. I felt bad...but I could hardly stand up. So then I slept a LOT that day...still not getting better...not eating much...and just feeling yuck. Friday morning I still wasn't good...so Ryan stayed home again...THANKFULLY...and I called the Dr. They were completely booked...so had to go to InstaCare. Grandma came and sat with the kids while we went...and sure enough it's Strep...I figured when I read the symptoms online...bad headache...severe sore throat...body aches...and spots on the back of your throat. I used a flashlight to check my throat, and there was no denying...I had Strep Throat. :( I've never had it before...but I can tell you...it SUCKS...I can't or don't want to eat or drink much, because it hurts to swallow...orange juice is a BIG no-no...that hurts like crazy. And nothing really tastes good. So!?!?! Anyways...thats what I've got...and I've been kinda miserable and out of it the last 3 days...
So needless to say...the diet, exercise, and desire to get healthy...hasn't been first on my mind lately. I just want something quick and easy for me and the family to eat...luckily GREAT friends/people have brought dinner to us...so I don't have to worry about that...so thank you to them...and all the others that have offered!! You're all GREAT!!! I don't want to lose the motivation...but get me sick...make me sleep...and I lose a LOT of the desire to work-out...to get out of bed to do the exercising. I was going to go to Zumba on Thursday night and again this morning (Saturday)...but both times I was still in bed. I just want to be healthy...in both ways...lifestyle healthy...AND no more germs/infections in my body healthy. Is that so much to ask!?!?!?
Ugh...I have all these yummy looking groceries and things that I bought this last week to make...but I have no desire or energy to do it. My house is a mess...my kids are MAYBE on the mend with the anti-biotics they're on...but!?!?! I don't know!?!?! I just need a little extra umph...and help this week I think...I obviously am not going to stop everything I've started and want for myself...but this has put me in a rut...so please help!! Please comment...please join me in making GOOD choices this week okay!?!?!?! I'm nervous to weigh myself on Monday...but it's gotta be done...so stay tuned for that!!!
P.S...a couple people have commented that I'm not quite sure or positive who you are!!?!? Who is Kathleen?? And Natalie!?!?! Just curious!! Thanks for all the great comments though!!

CRAPPY day....

So things have been tough the last couple days. I've been down, frustrated, upset, annoyed...and therefore I've NOT eaten much...then when I do decide to eat something I SCARF food in. :( I've tried to figure out what it is that sparked my depression lately...and I don't know?!?! Finances, sick kids, yucky weather, winter time, small living quarters?!?! I don't know?? I did fiure out today that it has been since about December 15th that someone in my house has been sick...that is really about a month. No wonder I'm going crazy.
Anyways...as for the depression and my yucky day...what do I do?!?! I need to get out of this slump...I realize it's a problem...I want to change...but whatelse can I do?? I haven't been great with my meds the last week, which is obviously an issue...the exercising has been helping too...and eating better is good...BUT...I still struggle. Ugh...
Ok...enough babbling...I just needed to vent...thanks to whoever reads this!!

Anyone interested!?!?!?

So I've thought about looking into it and maybe joining??? Has anyone else thought about it or might be interested in it!?!?! It's free to register right now...and would be about $9.22 a week to be part of it!?!?! So let me know...and I'll be talking it over with Ryan too...I know too many people that have done this and have succeeded...it's not just a diet...it's a lifestyle change...

Measurements...

Why is this cute!?!?! And people want to pinch these cheeks!?!?!

But then there's this...

And people don't want to pinch those cheeks...or arms...or tummy...or thighs... :) :) :) (Sorry to whoever this woman is)...

Alright...So I know I don't look like that...but that is kind of how I felt I looked as I measured myself tonight. Not impressed with the numbers...BUT its going to change...and it's going to get better!!! So I can find relief in that!!!

I went to Zumba tonight...and I must say...I didn't feel competely grossed out and disgusted with myself when I actually looked at MYSELF in the mirror!!! I'm getting to have a higher self esteem of myself I think...and I know that the changes I'm making are doing GOOD for me!!! Zumba was AWESOME by the way tonight...even though it was crowded...it was great!!!

Anyways...here are my measurements...so I can keep track of those as well...sometimes inches change more often then the pounds...so here goes!!

Arms - 12.5

Chest - 46

Waist - 45 (YAY...my boobs actually stick out farther then my tummy!!) (is that something to be proud of!?!?)

Hips - 45

Thighs - 26

So...total inches...174.5

Here's to getting the number lower and to a happier Becki...so I don't feel like the woman in the above picture!! But maybe the cute, happy baby in the first picture!!!

It's WORKING!!!

Hello all...
Well after the GROSS post yesterday of all the crap thats in my house...which it still is...people say they want it...and I just need to drop it off to a lucky winner I suppose!!!
Anyways...I just wanted to post and let you all know that the changes I've made ARE working...something I'm doing for myself is actually going how I'd like it!! I'm so so excited!!! I weighed myself this morning...(first time since I started the blog)...and I'm down to 205...WOO HOO!!! It's only 3 lbs...BUT it's 3 lbs!!! YAY!!! I had to have a little happy dance this morning!! I was a little shocked and got off the scale and back on...just to see if I was reading it right!!! So there...bragging moment for me!!!
Also...I know some of you have had problems leaving comments...(so I'm sorry even more now for the whining post of not feeling like I was getting support)...so NOW...everyone should be able to leave a comment. Let me know if you're still having problems...I've changed a few of the setting things...so hopefully it works for all that WANT to leave comments!! Thanks for being patient and understanding with me!!!
Stay tuned...I'm going to do my measurements tonight...so that I can track those as well...because I need to realize that even though I may not be losing pounds...the inches may be changing...so that'll be posted tonight!!!
Yay for me...I was happy to get that news this morning....here's to continuing and improving on even more!!! YAY :)

Chair O' CRAP...

I got a bee in my bonnet after baths tonight...I was going to clean out our "snack drawers" because some of the things had been spilled in there. Well that turned into finding CRAP snacks...and then looking in my one cupboard thing...and finding MORE snacks. So...here you go...this is my

CHAIR O' CRAP :) :) :)

A couple close-ups of what I found in the "snack" spots...

Kinda looks like a candy store to me...got some of everything!! We've got licorice, Snickers, Ring pops, taffy, gummies, Gummy Savers, Twix, Reeses, 100 Grand, Whoppers, Milk Duds, and can't forget the plain, peanut, AND peanut butter M&M's....GROSS...

Oh...and some more...do you think I enjoy my candy and sugar??? I can't believe I found all this...(well I can)...but I can't believe I'm sharing how much I have in my little house. :( Pathetic...

So what I'm doing now...is going to give this to the highest bidder...the chair o' crap NEEDS a new home...ok let me rephrase...the CRAP needs a new home NOT the chair!!! :) :) :) 
I'm done with candy...well I can't say done for now...that would be too much I think to just stop cold turkey...but I for sure will be getting rid of this...and maybe have a jar with plain M&M's for a "prize" or something?? And to have for my kiddos...they enjoy them!?!? Is that a bad idea?? I don't know...isn't it kind of an oxy-moron to reward yourself with a TREAT if you're trying to lose weight!?!?! Hmmmm...something to think about...
Anyways...good bye to the unhealthy crap in my house...for real if anyone wants ANYTHING...it's free for the taking...it's mostly all unopened...which is pathetic, cuz that's a lot of money wasted sitting right there...but I don't want it in my house. If it doesn't get claimed...it will go in the garbage can...so let me know!!
Good bye candy and unhealthy treats I found tonight...time to see whatelse I have that shouldn't be in my house...ugh...so unhealthy...

SICK...but I did ok today...

Today has been tough...my kids, family...ALL of us have been sick in some kind of way for the last FOUR weeks. I'm so SICK of it all. Kids won't stop hacking and coughing...my head is pounding and I had a migraine this morning...Ryan's got the cold and headache as well. It's just annoying. I've cloroxed...I've cleaned...I've sprayed Lysol...WHAT ELSE DO I DO!?!?! One of the kids get to the point of being "ok"...and then it hits another one twice as hard...then they're all  seeming better...and BOOM...it hits all of us!?!? AHHHHHHHHHH...
So anyways...I've been struggling...because of my migraine today...I got up around 10...then laid back down a little after and slept until 1:30...didn't eat or drink anything...just tried to get rid of the headache I had. Finally my visiting teacher...an AMAZING friend...brought over dinner for us. She brought tacos...and they were delicious!! Any food always is better when you don't make it yourself right!! Well my tacos usually only consist of meat, cheese, and lettuce. A little taco sauce and some sour cream. Well tonight I went CRAZY!! LoL :) I added TOMATOES...crazy huh!! It is for me, because I don't like yucky textures in my mouth and therefore don't eat a lot of things...but guess what...as Ryan said..."You didn't die"...AND it was good!! So YAY for me!! I'm adding veggies and fruits that I don't always eat...good changes!!! Just had to post and share...
Here's to a week of HEALTHY kids...GOOD food choices...and FEELING good about myself...thanks to all the amazing people out there supporting me!! I love you all!!!

Struggles...support...thoughts & feelings...

Alright...so I wrote this morning...but here I am again...I have more to say and thoughts I've been having...so I gotta post them!!

So the last while I've been pretty stressed and overwhelmed with certain things...and since the new year came...I've been thinking about what I can do to relax...calm down...get over stuff...and move on. I've talked through some issues and problems that were stressing me out...and trying to overcome even more of the things now. I want things to get better in all my relationships. With the depression issues, I take a LOT out on Ryan...I'm harsh, rude, mean, irritated, and upset a lot of the time. I need to change that. I'm working on it...I have relationships with family members that NEED improving...but how??? I need to do what is right for ME and my family...but I also want those relatives and family members to know that I still love them and think about them a LOT. I have friends that I see a LOT....and friends that I want to see more...so I need to improve on that as well. Make more time for the people who encourage me, really care, and make me feel good about myself. So working on that as well.
Now for a struggle I've been having this week...that I'm trying to just get over, but it's still hard. Since starting this blog...I have had AMAZING support...advice...comments...and encouragement. I LOVE it...and I wouldn't trade it for anything...BUT...I'm struggling with part of it. And I don't want people to feel unappreciated who are helping me...cuz that's in no way the case...and at the same time I don't want to make the others feel pressured into helping if they don't want to. So anyways...I'm feeling a little down about it all, because out of the 5 posts or whatever that I've done...the links on my facebook...all the ways I've been sharing my changes...I've only received 2...ya TWO comments on all of it from family members. Out of all the people in my family and Ryan's family online...why am I not getting encouraging comments!?!?! I don't know...maybe they're busy?? Maybe they're not interested?? Maybe they haven't read it at all yet?? Maybe they don't know what to say?!?! I don't know...I just have wondered why...and been bothered by it. 
Anyways...now that I've voiced that issue...I'm over it...I just can't hold things in anymore, because it's not healthy for me. So that is something I will be working on in this journey as well.
Ok...sorry if this hurt anyone...or made people upset...didn't mean it...and if anyone was hurt by my last post about only mentioning ONE friend...I'm sorry...I didn't think about that...so sorry about that.
I'm off to finish a yummy smoothie Ryan made for us now!! Gotta get used to having them without the ice cream...:) :) :)

Ryan's Birthday...and I did GOOD!!!

So I'm finally writing for yesterday...I got a message from a friend who "hadn't head from me today"...and it was such a good reminder...and so nice to know that people are thinking of me and wondering how I'm doing...so thank you!!! (You know who you are) :) :) :)
Anyways...yesterday was Ryan's birthday...he took the day off and we just hung out as a family...and saw other family members too!! It was a good day...we went out to lunch with just us and the kids...and then to dinner with his siblings...
I was nervous and didn't want to OVER eat...but wanted to enjoy a meal with my hubby...so fo lunch we went to Tucanos...it's a Brazillian restaurant...and I did SO good...if I do say so myself!! They have a buffet thing with salad bar, pasta salads, steamed veggies, mashed potatoes, fried food, breads...and then they have servers walking around with 12 different kinds of meats and grilled pineapple. A LOT of food...BUT...I had 2 decent sized salads...some steamed veggies...a small helping of mashed potatoes (cuz Ryan said they were yummy)...and some of the meats they brought around. It was SO good...the salads were delicious!! The meats were too sweet at times...and the veggies were YUMMY!!! Then they brought Ryan's free ice cream sundae...he had a bite and I had a bite...the kids shared the rest!! I'm so glad to have someone right there to help me and encourage me!! Thank you babe!!! I was proud of myself for not over-eating...and eating pretty dang healthy!!
Then for dinner...we went to Sizzler...I got the salad bar there with Malibu Chicken...didn't eat the chicken, cuz we were just going to bring that home for left overs. So another couple decent salads...a small taco salad...a small helping of pudding...and then I splurged and had a small brownie with vanilla ice cream. Ahhhhhhhhhh...I was pretty pleased with myself!!
Ok...enough bragging...but I had to post and let you all know that I felt like I actually made good choices...and that I'm starting to believe I can do this!! I just need to have healthy, good, easy things available in my house to grab or make when I'm hungry!!!
Yay for me!!!

Moment of truth...please don't judge...

Alrighty people...this is truly my moment of truth. I've gone back and forth now for a few days about whether or not I would do this. I think I have thick skin...or at least I used to...but the last year or so things have changed and things people say, or how they look at me, or whatever else...doesn't always sit as well as it did in the past. Guess that's where the lack of confidence comes in huh!?!?! 
Anyways...so I've been looking at books, magazines, online...just trying to get ideas of what to eat...where to start...how to exercise...what to do that will work for me and help me get where I want to be. I really enjoy The Biggest Loser...and as harsh as Jillian can be...I love her!! She is a very sweet, knowledgeable person...or so it seems like that from things I've watched and read. So I really like her ideas and suggestions...therefore I did what she said about taking pictures of myself for where I'm starting at, because I want to see these...and in the coming months...and years, be able to look at myself and see how far I got!!!
So here goes...this one is just a dorky one because when I'm hard on myself and tell Ryan how bad I look...this is how I stand and look...he doesn't like it...and really I don't either...but it's "smoothing" things over maybe!?!?! 

Upper body shot...YUCK...double chin...big boobs...bigger tummy...BLAH...

And side view...UGH...it just grosses me out, but it is what it is...and it's going to change.

So...here comes the moment of truth part...I am 27 years old...(will be 28 in March)...I'm 5'8" tall...and my starting weight is....AHHHHHHHHHHHH...can't believe I'm actually posting it...208 lbs. BLAH...YUCK...UGH...:( :( :( :( :(
Please don't judge...please still be my friend and help me through this journey...please!?!?!?
I looked at the BMI calculators...and that says that I'm obese...that is HORRIBLE...never...EVER again...I need to get healthy...I need to make changes in my life. I'm going to...
My goal is to get down to 160 lbs...I would love to be there...don't know when the last time was that I weighed that!?!?! That mean losing 48 lbs...that would be right on the edge of the "normal" area!?!?! So could use to lose more I'm sure...but I'm focusing on that amount for now. We'll see what happens.
Ok friends...thank you for being there for me...thank you for loving me even when I don't love myself...thank you for encouraging me...and thank you for not judging...(at least I'm hoping that's the case)???? Here's to making changes from here on out...January 7, 2010...(my hubby's birthday)...the LAST day I look like these pictures!!!
GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!! GO BECKI!!

I fAiLeD... :(

So it hasn't even been a week...and what happened...I failed. I got stressed, upset, overwhelmed, and then?!?!?!...I gave in to FOOD. The kids were being naughty...stressing me out...whining...and pouting...and we were getting dinner quick at Wendy's...I was just going to get a crispy chicken sandwich...then I saw it...a FROSTY!!! YUM...I've wanted ice cream or a shake for awhile now...and just kept telling myself I didn't need it...it wasn't good for me...and I could find something else. But tonight...I gave in...I caved...I failed. :( Ugh...now I feel more upset, gross, and bummed. 
BLAH...just had to be accountable for what I did and come clean...cuz I shouldn't have done it...but I did...BOO :(

Pictures...When I felt good and "liked" myself...

Alright...so here are some pictures now...the ones above...I was trying to get pictures when I was prego...but I don't have any of me pregnant with Klous on the laptop...so this is what we get!! They're pictures of me in 2007, 2008, and 2009. Notice that I am a LOT smaller when I'm prego with Kyson (2009) then I am now!?!??! How is that!?!?! I was almost 7 months pregnant there...with my 3rd kid??? And with Aysha (2008) My belly was big...obviously it was 13 days before she was born...but my face and all was thinner!?!?! And with Klous (2007)...he was 4 months old and I actually liked myself a lot then...I had just gotten my hair cut and colored...my pre-prego clothes were fitting great...and I had a beautiful baby boy!!!

Ok...so that's my in 3 consecutive years...and now...2011 I guess...I have 3 kids...and I'm unhappy and heavy...time to fix it!! I am so amazed and grateful for all of the comments, advice, encouragement, and help I've gotten. You people reading this are truly amazing!! And I totally understand now why they talk about a "support group" while you're working out and starting this journey. It's really needed...so thank you!!! I have a lot of ideas and options to try...and hopefully I'll get to where I want to be!!

Below are a couple more pictures that I liked myself. the first one is at my little brother's wedding...beginning of 2008...I felt good...not completely where I wanted to be...but still happy with myself. And the second one is the beginning of 2009 just a couple months after having Aysha May...I had lost most of the baby weight...was nursing...and looked GOOD...at least I thought so!!! And I thought I can keep this all off and get to where I want to be and have fun with my kids...

Well...then I found out 3 months later that I was pregnant again...I had a 2 yr old...a 4 month old...and one on the way...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
Things really fell apart after that. I got REAL stressed, depressed, overwhelmed, upset...and I just shut down. That brought on real depression for me...a lot of weight put on...and issues that I still haven't fully gotten over and keep bottled up. I know these things aren't healthy for me, because when I start feeling down or having a bad day...I eat...I snack...I find things that aren't healthy and just use that to "help" my problems. Obviously NOT helping. If I'm not eating to solve the problem...I just starve myself and don't eat anything...that's not good either!?!?!
SO...now what I need to figure out is how to help these problems...how do I realize that I'm a good person...love myself...smile when I look in the mirror...and love who I really am. I know I have good qualities and other good things about me...but they've been lost by all the negative feelings I have about myself.
I want to get back to the Becki in the pictures above...I want to smile like that...I want to laugh and REALLY laugh...I can get there...just will take some work and time...right!?!?!

Numbers...Goals...

Alright...I've been thinking the last day...wondering what to write about next...and here it is...time to write. 
I've got goals for this year...and I was going to list them all and be accountable for them...which I will sometime. But right now I want to show you all what inspires me. I go to a Zumba class on Mon & Wed nights...the teacher is Shelly...and she is simply amazing. She is a person, mom, woman, and struggles just like I do. Since going and getting to know her a little more, she has really helped me out...and this post on her BLOG has helped me think about my goals and resolutions for this year. So you should check it out and read it too!!!
Ok...so as for me...I have kind of a large number of pounds I'd like to lose...but people keep telling me not to focus on the numbers...not to get on the scale often...??????????? What do I do!?!?!? How do I do it and not focus on the pounds?? How do I get better food and groceries in my house to eat??? How do I change my diet to still enjoy food, but have it be better & healthier??? How do I be pleased with myself when I'm not getting the immediate results I want!?!?!
I've been one to start diets and changes...but I don't last because I get to discouraged and down on myself?? I just fail...and this time I DON'T want to fail...
So please comment...please leave suggestions...anything...I want to make these changes...I want for my kids to be healthier then I am...I want to be able to look at myself and like what I'm seeing...
So please help...please!!!

Getting Started...

Hello friends and family...

I'm starting this blog to help my lose weight and to have the help and encouragement I need from all of YOU!!! Ryan and I will be married TEN...ya...10 years in October...and there's been some talk about maybe doing something nice for our anniversary!?!?! Nothing for sure, but enough to get me motivated even more to lose the weight!! 

You all know I've had my 3 babies in the last 4 years...so now Klous is 4, Aysha is 2, and Kyson just turned 1. They're all to a stage...somewhat...that I can do things I want while they play and entertain themselves!! They don't all completely rely on me!!! So I figured it's about time I try and focus more on myself!!! I've been pretty down and depressed the last while, and I know a big part of it is my size, health, weight, and the way I see myself. I need to improve on these things, so I can be happier, but also healthier and be here for my hubby and kiddos!!!

So please be there for me...please help me...please encourage me. I'll be improving this blog in the next couple days...but I had to get it started...please feel free to leave comments...exercise with me...leave ideas for eating better, and still being able to enjoy the "YUMMY" stuff!?!?! 

Thank you all for caring and being such great people!! You're all amazing to me and I love you for who you are!!!