Well I forgot to weigh in again this morning...it's a holiday...Ryan was off...kids got me up at 7:30...I was ANNOYED...and went back to bed til Ryan woke me up and said sleep wasn't going to help my problems...so yeah...never weighed in. I'll do it tomorrow morning...and we'll see what it says. It hasn't been a good week...weight loss areas at least. I only went to Zumba ONCE last week...and it's totally taking a toll on me. With a migraine...and just really a lack of desire...I didn't go :(...then eating healthy...YA RIGHT...I just am sucking it up lately. I'm not being strong enough to turn down temptation food. I've drank TOO much pop again...and not enough water. Headaches are a great reminder of that...I'm dehydrated and have been for awhile...so when I don't get enough water...I know it's affecting my headaches.
Anyways...so I'm just struggling. I was doing SO good for so long...and things were looking up for me...and I was improving...so what happens!?!?! I think I'm healed!! Again...YA RIGHT...but without thinking or realizing it...I've not been taking my anti-depressants...I've been eating CRAPPY...I haven't been exercising...and now look at me. I slept about 80% of today while I was home...when I was awake...I was screaming at the kids...annoyed with Ryan...taking EVERYTHING out on him...and finally I just LEFT. I couldn't do it...I had a Zumba class to go to today...and we were all going to go to Ryan's parents (the class was at his parents church)...but while we were getting ready...he tried talking to me and reasoning with me...and I FLIPPED. He got upset...I got MORE upset...and I just left. I drove around for awhile and didn't know where to go or what to do. I didn't want to follow through and go to Zumba...cuz then he'd know where I was. So I went and sat in the car, in a parking lot for awhile...then finally realized I was being STUPID. So I went to Zumba...and it felt GOOD. I was more tired and worn out then I have been in a long time...but I felt ok. I was still not doing GREAT...so therefore...I just left again. I didn't want to go where my husband and kids were...(call me horrible or think of me as a horrible person...I'm just being honest)...so I just drove away again...I went tanning...I got my haircut...I drove around more...I went to the grocery store...and finally it was 8 p.m. (I left around 4)...So I came home.
Ryan & the kids were here...I felt HORRIBLE for just up and leaving...but seriously didn't know whatelse to do!?!?! Any of you who are reading this and have dealt with depression...you'll know what I'm talking about...those of you who have NEVER dealt with it...you won't understand. BUT...I just had to GET OUT...I had thoughts of going farther away...I had some negative thoughts I won't get into...and I texted my sister in MN because I really wanted to just go show up on her doorstep. Obviously I couldn't...but I wanted to. I'm so SICK of dealing with this crap...I just want it gone...but it will take time.
There have been some kind of stressful things happening in the last week...and I think that PLUS not taking my meds PLUS not exercising PLUS not eating better...I think all that stuff is really hitting me and taking a toll. I've been so good for so long...and obviously this just shows me I'm NOT healed. So here's to realizing I still have a ways to go...I still need to take it a day at a time...and I will still have bad days.
I love my husband...I love my kids...and usually I love my life. But today SUCKED...really this whole weekend kind of did...and I just need to make changes to get over it. I don't know how or why Ryan puts up with my crap so much...but I'm so grateful he does...I am one lucky lady to have someone who will be waiting for me at home when I pull my head out of my butt and realize that I need to COME HOME. So thank you babe...
Sorry for the venting/ranting/negative post...stay tuned tomorrow for a weigh in one...
UGH...life...tomorrow can be better...
7 comments:
Becki, I don’t really know what to comment other than I love you… I do want you to call me..yes CALL me whenever you want! I know firsthand how depression can consume you and everything you think you are.
Love you so very much
Becki-I have totally been there. I've had to escape to gain perspective. I also feel crappy pretty fast when I skip exercise and then it turns into a lazy/junk food/depressed spiral. So I hear ya lady. Thanks for coming to class today, I loved seeing you there. I'll see you Wednesday and we'll get our endorphin high to keep us going. :) Chin up girlie. I luv u to death.
Hey Becki. I'm so sorry to hear this...but from what you wrote, you know exactly what's going on. You know how to fix and help your problems. A good apology, even to your little kids, will help, and just keep working. Take your meds, and so what you know you need to do, ok? I love you, and...I'm coming out to Utah for a week! I need to see you! I'm going to be there helping Tyler's Dad after surgery. I'll be there on Sunday through the next Sunday, March 6. I'm not exactly sure what he'll need me to do, but I'm guessing he'll need to sleep, so I'll need to get the girls out of the house. Maybe we can come over? Or we could all go somewhere. Get some projects ready for me: we can organize or work on something at your house! Send me your phone number, ok? Love ya, and can't wait to see you!
Sorry to say but we're never "healed" from our eating and weight troubles. It's a constant battle. Sometimes it's hard sometimes it's not. Just forgive yourself and move on. Don't ever stop taking your meds. You hang in there and do the things you need to for your family. Let go of everything that you can and focus on that! Stay strong, you can do it!!!!!
Becki I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I don't know how many times I just left my husband and kids. I too found a parking lot and just sat there. If I could have gotten my own place tolive I would have done that. Just Didn't care. There was one time when I went back home that my husbands moms car was there and I remember thinking how he couldn't get along without his mom and had to call her and tell everything so I yelled at him again. He then told me that she had to come and stay with the kids because he had cut his hand and needed stitches, the thing was I didn't really feel bad at all. You are lucky, yes I said lucky, that there are meds that will help you, there were none for me they just gave me headaches. I hope that when you feel like running away again that you can find your way to American fork. We can put in a movie or just talk and vent. Love girl
Becki-
Keep your head held high and just know this too shall pass. Sometimes we have to hit our lowest points to appreciate the high ones. Life is a roller coaster, being a wife is a roller coaster, being a mom is a roller coaster but it's one we should embrace love and enjoy.. good days and the bad! When you are at you're breaking point and feel like giving up on it all (we've all been there) just think of the good things you've got. Sounds like you have a hubby and kids who love and adore you even at your worst... that says something right there... they are worth not giving up on... you are worth not giving up on yourself. Hang in there! Love ya lots! BTW- I'm SOOOOOO glad you were at Zumba. You rock girl!!! :)
Becki,
I know how you are feeling and am so sorry that you had such a bad week. Sometimes you really have to get away from everything. You really are such a great person. I wish that you could see that and be more forgiving of yourself. I know that I have many days when I am not the best mom or wife when little things can be really annoying and I just snap. One thing that really helps me is just getting out of the house even if it's just to walk around Target for an hour. During the days I'll take my kids with me but at night it's okay and healthy to get away without your kids for awhile. You are really doing great as a mother and a wife and try not to forget that!!
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