Ok...I know the last post wasn't all that exciting and uplifting...and this one isn't going to be either. So in advance...I'm SORRY :) But I need to get it out and voice my struggles so I can hopefully move on and cheer up!!!
The last few days have been a REAL struggle for me :( I'm not sure why...I don't know what's changed...I don't know why things are getting to me...I just don't know!?!?! I'm at my wits end I feel...and it's TERRIBLE :( My poor hubby and kids get the brunt of it ALL...and I'm just not myself lately!?!?! We were planning on going to Logan this last weekend...(which I did)...but I sure didn't do it willingly. We planned on leaving Friday...but come Friday morning...I was having MAJOR anxiety issues with it...and getting real upset and depressed about it all!?!?! Just thoughts of everything I didn't want to do...didn't want to happen...didn't want to prepare for...I just DIDN'T want to do it. So Ryan got off and came home to pack...he told me to leave it til he got home and he'd do it...THANK YOU!!! Well he came home, and I went and laid down, because I had already told myself in my head..."Ryan can take the kids alone...and I'll just stay home...I can't do it...there's too much to do around the house...and I DON'T want to go"...so I went to lay down, and fell asleep. I slept for about an hour...and then Klous, Aysha, & Ryan had come to wake me up...I ignored it all and pretended not to hear anything. Finally Ryan came to get me and I told him I wasn't going...it turned into quite a fiasco...he was upset (understandably so)...Klous came in crying...Aysha was crying...I was beyond upset with myself and I was crying...everyone had said good-bye to me in tears...I was in tears...so finally I got up...packed a few last minuted things for me I saw laying around...asked Ryan "WHAT is wrong with me???" and we left. Literally like 3-5 minutes before we took off...I changed my mind and went. I didn't do it willingly, I did it grudgingly...and I wasn't too happy. But I couldn't let me kids down or my husband down...or the family down that we were going there with, and going to see.
ANYWAYS...that's a long story...but that is where these feelings, issues, and thoughts have gotten me. I am really struggling, and I"m not sure why. I mean I have ideas...but who knows!?!?! In the last month...I've gone from doing Zumba 3-4 times a week...to once (when I teach)...I'm not eating as good as I know I should...I just go sleep when things get too stressful or overwhelming for me...and I just shut down. WHY!?!?! WHY WHY WHY!?!?! I wish I had the answer...I wish I had the "quick fix" to get me where I need to be. I've been trying for the last few weeks to do service for people around me...to put others before myself, so I kinda "forget" my issues...but it only has been working for a short time!?!?! Any suggestions!?!?!
I need to pick up on the exercise...I've been going walking in the mornings with friends usually 4 times a week...but I think I like the idea of a comment made on the last post about a strength training class!?!?! I just need to get out and start again maybe!?!?! I miss my Zumba class and friends and instructor from the Rec Center...but this summer has just been go-go-go!?!?! And it's still so light and daytime by 8:30 at night...that I don't realize I missed it until it's after 9 and we're coming in for the night...so!?!?!
I don't know...I'm just struggling...I'm sorry for my venting session...I'm sorry for posting things that aren't all that encouraging or uplifting...but I need to get it out...I need advice or suggestions...and I know there are people out there reading this that actually care and respond and want to help. So here goes!!! Here's to a better week!?!?! Better thoughts...and better reactions...I hope!!
4 comments:
Becki, everyone struggles with something in their lives. This is your challenge that you're to learn to live with, and like all challenges, when we have reached our personal limit, we can ask the Savior for help in relieving our burdens. Make this a matter of prayer, every day. Pray for the patience, motivation, and understanding to have great days with your beautiful kids. Make a gratitude list and keep it where you can see it.
Also, I'm not sure how often you have a doctor's appointment, but you might want to make one and talk about different meds you could try. Different ones work differently for different people, and you might be on one that is less effective for you.
I love you, girl. I hope you are able to figure this thing out. It seems like you have a lot of good friends out there who can help and love you. Ask for their help as you need it, even if it is just to talk.
I had to laugh when I read this post! Not that it is funny, but because I have yelled that question AT Kevin too, “WHAT IS WRONG W ME!?!?!”
Your frustrations are real, the emotions are real and depression is real. I love you Becki and know this day your described all too well. I am amazed that Kevin is still by my side, loving me better. Hope today is better and tomorrow too.
I'm so sorry becki, I love and care about you and obviously alot of other people do to, I've seen all of your friends post. But I think the real thing is you ndered to care about yourself I've said it before and i'll say it again because I believe it and it's always made a HUGE difference in my life, 1. Read your scriptures 2. PRAY 3. read scriptures with ryan. I know it's hard when you feel like you can't but thats the time the adversary uses his most powerful tool, discouragement. Dont let him win, turn to the lord I know he's waiting for you and waiting to help you. But I can't tell you, you'll have to find out for yourself. Only you can do it, and we all know you can especially your amaizing husband and kids that you can, love ya becki it's time to make a change . Faith always precedes the miracle
I don't have anything mind-blowing to say like the others, but that your post prompted the comments which have also helped me. So even though you may feel like your posts are discouraging, they have helped by the comments that others leave. We all have our struggles, and life is just that- a challenge. You are doing better than you think, and you have so much love and support that surrounds you- take advantage of it girl! We love you!
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