Realizations coming from my EARLIER years...hmmmm...

Well as I write this...I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind the last couple weeks. It's been a tough couple weeks...and I've been through an emotional whirlwind...but I'm coming out on top. But I wanted to talk/write about things that I thought about over the weekend.

As we were doing "Saturday chores" I was doing stuff and witnessing the actions of my kids as I usually do...and I realized that I am a LOT harder on my boys at times then I am Aysha. Yes...she gets on my nerves, and she bugs her brothers, and she wants to be involved and included but isn't. So I know it's hard for her. So that got me thinking, reflecting, and realizing all the pains/struggles/raw emotions I STILL have from growing up. Dumb huh!?!?!?

It got me thinking, and I say it to my kids a LOT, about how mean it is to treat your sister that way. There are a LOT more boys in our neighborhood and Aysha gets left out a lot...she wants to be included but is usually ignored or left out or just involved because she HAS to be. It's frustrating to watch...but I think I'm realizing that it's more frustrating to me BECAUSE that was me growing up. I struggled with that from the time I was 10-18...it was rough. Yes some times were better then others...but a good majority of it was not easy. Growing up between 2 boys was interesting...yes I learned a lot from my brothers, and no I'm not always "lady-like" like I should be, BUT I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love my brothers...don't get me wrong...but those years are awkward and hard anyways...so throw something else into it and they're even harder. So as I watch and see how Aysha is treated, excluded, and sad...it brings back a LOT for me.

I wasn't the "popular" girl in school, I didn't hang out a lot outside of home, I didn't have really GOOD friends until probably my junior/senior year, my brothers tag-teamed me and weren't very nice, and my sisters were grown up and moved away so I didn't feel like I had anyone. I cried a LOT...just ask my brothers...my Dad would just have to look at me and the tears would come...I was embarrassed a lot...I am realizing now that I didn't/don't have as high of self confidence as I thought I did. I really don't like myself most of the time...and I am realizing through stuff lately...that it stems back to my growing up years. Crazy huh!?!?! I always thought I was strong, I was happy, I was ok with who I was...but now at 30 years old...I'm realizing that's not the case. WOW huh!!!

So let me share some more...my brothers were always in sports or in groups or on teams...I wasn't. I was always known as "Klous' little sister" or "Andy's sister" or "Danny's older sister" or many other things I can't remember or choose not to remember!! :) I was told a lot that I was a baby...that I wasn't cute/pretty...that I was fat or not skinny like so and so...that I'm just the "janitor" on the ship instead of the "captain, lieutenant, or anything higher"...(which this one we STILL joke about and I'm totally fine with...I think???) But as I went and saw a mental health specialist a couple months ago...he had me bring up things from my childhood, and I opened up and realized JUST how much those things really did have an effect on how I look at myself.

It was hard...when was I going to be known as BECKI!?!??! When would people know me or recognize me for ME and not just a sister to my brothers!?!?! So when I see Klous or Kyson not including Aysha...it hurts me too. When the boys team up and no one wants to include Aysha...it's sad to me. Yes she's sad too...but I think it hurts me more because I haven't completely dealt with MY issues. I don't want her to feel like this when she's grown up...I want her to be confident, I want her to be happy, I want her to LOVE herself, and I want others to know Aysha for all that AYSHA does...not other people!!!

 



Now please don't get me wrong...I LOVE my brothers to pieces...I love ALL my siblings...my brothers have (for the most part) apologized for how they treated me, what they said, and how it may have hurt. The day that happened, it truly meant the world to me...for them to realize that he realized that it really wasn't nice. I appreciated that more then he knows I think!! I am closer to my brothers now then I ever have been...and it's really hard at times that they're in Minnesota with their families and I'm in Utah...and I'm grateful for the brothers that I have.

I just thought I needed to share this and get it down...because it helps us all to look back and realize just HOW FAR back things can affect us. Never would I have thought that, when I was 12, I would still be effected by things that were said to me...I thought my skin was thicker then that, but I was wrong. I know I am trying to do better to help my kids realize how we should treat others and not just say things, they do hurt, and the can have lasting effects on them.

Emotions...

Well it's been awhile since I wrote on here...and man has it been interesting lately!!!

So Ryan & I started this challenge group thing...and last week we did GREAT!!! Well, for the most part...we followed our meal plans, exercised daily, and did better at getting more rest (minus Ayzlee being sick and not really sleeping)...ugh!! Anyways...we were doing it and then I hit a rut...an EMOTIONAL rut. Beating myself up, wanting to quit, not seeing any results that I thought was good enough...so I had had it...I wanted to just be done. Yet again something that I FAILED at right!?!?! Well Friday morning came and our "coach" Eric encouraged us to weigh in Friday and then again Monday to show us just what a weekend can do...so I weighed in Friday...and I was DOWN 5+ lbs...I was shocked!!! It really WAS working...and I WAS succeeding!!! Wow...just when I think I'm failing, I realize I'm not!!!

That gave me energy...that gave me motivation...that gave me a desire to keep going. I weighed in again on Monday morning and I had maintained all weekend...and that was with a crazy schedule, going out to eat, treating myself to a treat...and LIVING!!! It was great!!!

Well then came Monday morning...some know, some don't...BUT I'm doing therapy stuff and trying to get to the roots of my issues, thoughts, self worth feelings, and all of that...it's TOUGH. So while talking things out Monday...a LOT came out, and he got a LOT closer to the true roots of my problems...I cried and cried and CRIED. It was very emotional for me...it was WAY more then I wanted to deal with and go through...again. I've had to talk about things that I've pushed aside and buried for a LONG time...and I didn't want to dig it up, even though I knew it would most likely help me.

Anyways...I did it...and the last few days have been pretty tough for me...which means I'm turning to OLD habits instead of taking the good habits and putting them to use. I want to hide in my house...I want to eat junk...I want to not eat at all...I want to sleep...I want to be alone...I just don't want to deal with ANYTHING. I want this to go away, but I guess deep down I don't want to DO what I need to do. Just take it away...it sucks and I don't like it anymore. Ugh...:(

 

 I'm trying to get back on track...but I've been in such a LOW spot that I can't seem to crawl far enough out. It's ridiculous...I'll get there...but it'll take time...one day at a time...

 



I have a LOT on my mind...I have a LOT to get through...and I have a LOT to let go of. It probably won't be easy...ok...I know it won't be easy...but I can do it...I can get through it...with time. I need to realize and remember the things that pull me OUT of these funks...I need to realize how much joy and satisfaction I DO get from exercise...how much joy I feel when I stand on the scale and see numbers going down...I want to be there again...I want to be upset, mad, and frustrated and KNOW that I can go work it off...instead of eat it up. You know!?!?! Someday...hopefully right!?!?!

 



One last thought...I saw this and thought it fit for me VERY well right now...(minus the part about sticking up your middle finger, cuz I don't do that)...but the rest of it TRULY fits all that I'm feeling and holding on to. When I can get to the point again of not worrying about what others think...not comparing myself to everyone else...not thinking that I'll NEVER be good enough until...fill in the blank...I can start to love myself. That's something I haven't had in a LONG time too. And if I don't love myself, then I feel WHY would anyone else love me?? WHY!?!?!

That's a lot of thought for tonight...I've got a LOT on my mind and could just keep going...but I need to process things first I think. So to each of you who read this...thank you for loving Becki for Becki...thank you for being my friend or in my support group...thank you for accepting me despite my faults...thank you for being there. It all means more then you know!!! Here's to a better day tomorrow...and staying on track again!!! :)

I want...I want...I want...

Alright...it's been a few days again. It's been busy around here...we got new windows/doors the last couple days and I've been trying to balance everything. Also with life, work, kids, sleep, naps, food, and reality...we're trying to figure out this eating better/exercise schedule for us. We need to get it in each day...so we've gotta make it a priority!!!

 

Well we've been following some recipes/guidelines for meals through the "Live the Life" plan...the recipes are pretty easy and delicious!!! They are kind of low on calories, and we've had to figure out what we're lacking, what more we need, and how to deal with the headaches and such that come from making changes!!! I've been on pop for FOUR days now...and I've had a pretty nasty headache for the last 3 days...I don't know if it's just the pop...or not enough water...or not enough calories...or not enough sleep...or ALL of the above!?!?! I don't know...but I keep pushing through it. I have to!!! I've got to show myself I can succeed and do this again!!!

 

There are a few of the recipes that Ryan and I are really proud of and enjoying!!! This is one meal we made for dinner one night...it's a BBQ Chicken wrap and Apple Crunch Chicken salad...they were both SOO good!!!

 

 

 

So we're slowly figuring things out...but it sure takes time. We've been going to the Rec centers and trying to get something in. Monday night we met Ryan's sister Shauna there and we walked/ran/rode bikes and whatever we felt inclined to do. It was good. Tuesday night I went to Zumba...WOW...I am SO out of shape. I was DYING after the 3rd song. I can't believe how quickly you lose the energy, stamina, ability to KEEP GOING!!! I wanted to quit and leave, but I knew I'd be upset with myself. So I pushed through that also and finished!!! It was SO great being back, seeing friends and my Zumba family that I have truly missed!!! I'm so grateful for each of them and their love!!!

 

Now I'm having a tough time...I know what I want...but I still get discouraged...I feel like I'm failing. I really need to forgive myself and realize it IS ok to eat a treat and it won't ruin everything I'm doing. I know I can't live without treats, sugar, pop for the rest of my life...that is just setting me up to fail...BUT I also know that I need to limit it and take moderation into consideration with EACH and EVERY choice!!! This next picture shows me EXACTLY what I want...I want that body back...I want that smile back...I want to feel and be healthier. I KNOW I can do it...but it won't be easy. It takes a LOT of work...it takes a LOT of determination...it takes a LOT of self control...and I CAN do this...I've done it before, why is this time any different!?!?! I WILL get that Becki back...I deserve it!!!

 

Little steps = BIG aches sometimes...

So yesterday Ryan's sister Shauna asked us if we'd be up for joining them at the Provo Rec center to play in the water or something. The boys wanted to play basketball for awhile and then go swimming in the water park. I really did want to go and hang out with the family...BUT I did NOT want to go swimming. As I said yesterday...NONE of my clothes fit, I don't like myself in anything, and I was NOT going to put on a swimsuit...so I decided that I'd push Ayzlee in the stroller and we'd walk the track or something.
And that's what we did...we walked...and walked...and walked some more until I needed some drinks and to stretch. Yes...one of these days I'll REALLY learn that I need to stretch BEFORE too. So we'd walk some laps and then stop for a drink...then I walked a couple more laps and decided I wanted to try something else. So I go on one of the bikes...I couldn't believe how incredibly exhausted I was. In all I did 9-10 laps around the track...(I don't know if it's 5 or 6 laps that make a mile there???) and then I did 7 minutes on the bike. I was DYING...my legs were shaking...heart was pounding...body was aching...and I was SO out of breath. Unbelievable...but I did it!!! AND it felt good...the pain felt good!!! The aches and sweat and pounding heart felt good!!!
So then comes today...my body was pretty tired and sore today...we cleaned up and got the holiday stuff put away...hung out as a family...and then decided to go to the rec center again...this time I DID go swimming with the kids...it was hard not to when my sweet Klous comes up to me and tells me, "Mom, it's ok because you're going to start exercising and eating better, so then you'll want to swim more." It was cute!!!

So now comes my honesty and venting...I had a BIG reality hit me today, and I can't seem to get over it. I know it's in the past...and I know I'm moving forward, but it just makes me sick to realize HOW far I've let myself go. When I was pregnant with Ayzlee, for those 9 months, I gained a WHOPPING 4 pounds...yes only 4 pounds. After she was born I was smaller, skinnier, and liked my body more then I had in a LONG time...and I dropped a lot more then that 4 lbs. Well here I am...Ayzlee will be 9 months NEXT week...and when I stood on the scale this morning, to prepare for a challenge we're starting Monday, I realized I have gained 75 pounds...yes, SEVENTY-FIVE pounds. DISGUSTING...I've been just disgusted all day...WHY?? HOW?? WHAT was I thinking!?!?! UGH....this is how I felt when I stood on it...and reality hit...



Anyways...here I am...preparing and getting ready a challenge starting Monday. It's a challenge to lose 4% of my body weight in 30 days...that's doable right!?!?! RIGHT??? I can do this...WE can do this...Ryan & I are doing this together and trying to recruit more family to join us!!! It's a GREAT jump start and kick-off. I'm also going to start going back to Zumba...I miss it. I miss the people/friends/family I've got there. I miss the endorphins it helped me burn. I miss the joy it brought me...so I will be back this week. Exhausted as ALL get out, but I'll be there!!!

Gonna Try This Again....

Well...the last time I posted or said anything on here was in JULY...now it is January 2014...and NOTHING has changed in my style of living. I'm continually gaining weight, getting more and more hard on myself, more depressed, more ornery & grumpy with my family...it's just not good. I've been thinking/wanting to DO something and make changes for a while now...but I honestly could not get my mind to tell my body to actually DO it. So it's been a LOT of ups and downs for the last few months...

I saw this picture tonight...and I thought it fit me very well. I KNOW I am the reason I'm how I am...I know I can change because it's been done before...I just need to DO it. Doesn't matter what size I am or where I'm at...I've just gotta take a step in the RIGHT direction each day...with each step and each day, things WILL improve.



 





 

 

So...Ryan and I are in this together this time...we're both really feeling that we need to get healthy and be doing better. If we don't start changing and making better choices, our kids will follow in our footsteps, and that's NOT what we want for them. I want to be an active, fun, HAPPY mom...and at this point in my life right now I am NOT there...so things need to change. All I do is beat myself up constantly, HATE looking at myself in any reflection or mirror, I don't like getting dressed or going places because NOTHING fits or looks good on me (or so I think/see)...it's just tough. And THIS quote hit sooo...close to home for me. The internal pain, thoughts, self-worth, and depression I'm struggling with CAN be overcome and fixed...when I do what I know I need to be doing.

So here I sit on Friday night, ALL of my family sound asleep around me...and I have lots of thoughts going through my head. In January of 2012 I sat in a similar place with similar thoughts in my head, and I wanted to start something and MAKE the change for me and to jump in full force. At this point I am getting myself to look back on what I accomplished THEN, and to convince myself that I CAN and WILL do this. Yes, it'll take time....Yes, it'll take work...Yes, it'll cause sweat an tears...Yes, I'll probably want to give up and quit...BUT I will succeed and I WILL achieve what I want to do. It won't happen overnight...and I'll have to continually remind myself of that, it won't be easy...but I CAN do it...putting one foot in front of the other!!! Trying to NOT focus on the BIG picture, but instead realizing all that I can accomplish, improve on, change, and DO one day at a time!!!

 

 

Wish me luck...join me on this journey if you'd like...keep in touch with what I'm doing...because I NEED this all back in my life again...it's been FAR too long...and I've shed FAR too many tears over all my unhappiness. Plenty of reasons I'm wanting to do this and start it again...but I think the BIGGEST reason is because I want to be able to have a REAL smile on my face and that look in my eyes, that when I look in the mirror I'm not disgusted and angry...but instead happy with what I see, where I am, and WHO I am continually becoming...I'll get there!!!

Thoughts...

Well it's been an interesting week...that's for sure!!! Just to start off...depression and negative thoughts SUCK. They just seem to overtake me and I can't get out of the slump. That's how this last week has been...I'm doing better today...compared to LAST Friday, but still not 100% yet.

Amongst feeling blah and not liking myself...I wanted to start exercising and eating better this week...well I let me negativity get the best of me and I give in to that instead. I have NO motivation or ambition to do anything. It's too hot, it's too early, it's too exhausting, it's too HARD, it's too much WORK...and it's just excuse after excuse. I've been here before...and I can feel myself getting more and more upset at my dumb choices. Because I have experienced and seen how exercise, eating better, and being healthy has REALLY helped me and made me happier. I was so down that I didn't even go to Zumba on Tuesday...because again I gave in to my negativity. DUMB!!

Well I found out Monday that I have to have some pretty big dental stuff done...and that just frustrates me too, because it's things I could've prevented...but didn't. And now Ryan has to remind me that we/I can't dwell on the past...but it's hard not to. So frustrated with the expense it'll be, the damage it's caused, and the poor example I am to my kids. UGH...anyways. After realizing that I would be having that all done this coming MONDAY...and that I wouldn't be able to go to Zumba next week because of that...I KNEW I had to buck up and get there Thursday...

Well I had a eye opening experience on Thursday...realizing that our Heavenly Father is truly in our lives and is aware of us...even when we don't think we deserve it. There were numerous "tender mercies" that happened yesterday that I needed. It really helped me to realize that I CAN do this...I CAN do better...and I CAN overcome this trial. My zumba instructor posted a link to another ladies blog...

http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/

And it was exactly what I needed to read...I encourage you to read it also!!! It's uplifting and a good reminder that even the smallest things we do are GREAT to others and can really mean a lot.

Sooooo....now I guess I'm rambling...but what I'm trying to say and get across is that even in our hardest, darkest, most frustrating times...we are NOT alone. Even if we don't feel anything around us...if spouses, kids, family, friends, WHOEVER isn't reaching out how you wish they would...you are NOT alone...and Heavenly Father is ALWAYS, ALWAYS aware of what you're doing and how you're feeling. I really struggled with allowing Him to help me this week and reaching out to Him...until last night...and when I finally prayed...I cried and cried...He will not leave us alone. And what a blessing that is to know...he's just waiting for us!!! I LOVE that!!!

Trials suck...challenges are hard...people in our lives don't always uplift us and help us...sometimes they bring us down, and we need to realize the ones who may not be helping us.

Wow...I hope this made SOME sense!?!?! Yikes... :) Until next time!!!

I'm BAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!

Well...LONG time no blogging huh...

Now that it's been an entire YEAR...I figured no better time then now to start again...cuz I NEED it.
I've been REALLY slacking the last few months...and yes as much as I can say, "I just had a baby"...it's been 3+ months now!! Ugh...

Anyways...here's a quick recap of the last year for me, because it's been a whirlwind of a year...plenty of trials, emotions, hormones, depression issues, happy times, learning moments, and blessings. But for me lately the hard times/trials REALLY out weigh the happy times.

SOOOO....last July...I went to an AMAZING week of Girls Camp with our ward Young Women...then we headed to Minnesota for our family vacation for 2 weeks. Which ended up being 3 weeks for the kids & I...it was SO hard to be away from Ryan. Kudos to those wives who do it on their own cuz I could NOT. Then came August...we were prepping and getting ready for Klous to start Kindergarten....oh the emotions that came along with that!!! I had some MAJOR anxiety and nerves about it...but they started lasting longer then I had expected them to...and while having other symptoms and thoughts...we decided I may as well pee on a pregnancy test. After FOUR pregnancy tests being POSITIVE...there was no denying that was part of my issue. Yes I had anxiety also...but morning sickness was adding to it too.
This was quite a shock to us...a happy one...but a big surprise. I had planned on starting Insanity the beginning of September...but after contemplating it...I didn't think it would be good to my body or my baby growing!! So I put it off and thought, I'll do that AFTER I have the baby...so that started my SLOW SLOW SLOW time of exercising and being healthy anymore. I was sick...I was tired...I was hormonal...I was exhausted...so I stopped doing things I should've still done. I did continue to go to Zumba which was a HUGE help and strength to me!!!
In September...well that was a challenging month. The depression and self worth and my abilities were REALLY questioned this month. I lost some weight with the pregnancy because of it. :( It's always a challenge to think happy thoughts or be positive about yourself when you get an "anonymous" letter in the mail stating what an AWFUL person you are and everything you've done wrong to people. It sucked...and I can't imagine how ANYONE could be so incredibly hurtful, rude, and unkind....and then NOT put their name to it. That sounds like a true coward to me...if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all. (That's what I was taught at least)...
So throughout September, October, and into November/December I really struggled with my thoughts and myself and those around me. Wondering what I really was thought of...how people felt...and what the point was in me being around. Not the greatest time of my life, that's for sure.
Come the beginning of the year, I had mostly overcome that stupid letter and realizing there was NO truth to it and that people really did still love me and care about me. But I still had the depressing thoughts...seasonal depression set in too...and the hormones of pregnancy were NO good to me. I shut down...I did a LOT of emotional eating...or didn't eat at all...I wouldn't go places, I didn't open my blinds or windows...I just didn't want to see anyone of talk to anyone. So then came time to go to the Dr for some help...AGAIN...everything added together was causing some pretty scary thoughts and scenarios...so Ryan convinced me it was best to get some help...I did it grudgingly!!!!
The next few months were ok...and the ending of my pregnancy. I was still going to Zumba and trying to stay happy. Through my entire pregnancy, I only gained 4 pounds...it was a mixture of still exercising AND the depression issues I think!?!?! Cause I've always gained 15-20 with my other 3...so!?!?!? Not the healthiest pregnancy...but I was still active and trying.

Then came April 8th...when we welcomed our BEAUTIFUL baby girl, Ayzlee Rebecca. She is definitely another princess in our family...and is LOVED and ADORED by her siblings and parents!!! Funny how things work out and how things fall into place after time. It was no coincidence that she was supposed to come when she did!!!

Here's Ayzlee with the proud brothers & sister!!!

 



Our beautiful princess herself!!!

 

THIS is a picture I love!!! I felt SO skinny and happy with myself then...my tummy was flatter and didn't have a baby in it...and I felt comfortable again!!! (minus the after birth pains!!!)

Then come 3 months later....and I'm NOT real impressed or happy with myself...I've let myself go again...my chins have come back...my gut is bigger then when I got prego...and my clothes aren't fitting like I want.

 

Check out that NASTY gut on me...yuck...(and no that's not our baby...that's our niece!! Our baby is with us above!!!)

 

So here I sit...upset with where I'm at. Depressed and down about things happening in my life that I can't seem to get a handle on. Which then I give into emotional eating and JUNK food. My meals for the last 2 months have seriously consisted of...cold cereal, PB m&m's, cherry coke, an occasional wrap or deli meat sandwich, mac n' cheese, PB m&m's, cherry coke, PB m&m's, apple juice, PB m&m's...it's AWFUL...I haven't even stood on the scale since right after having Ayzlee BECAUSE I'm worried about what the number will say. YUCK...When I had her and came home...I stood on it and was at 164 I think...which I only got up to 191 when I was prego...SO...I was very happy with that number. BUT now here I sit...well over what I want to be at I'm sure...and grossed out by myself...sick of feeling like CRAP...tired of being tired...and sick of being depressed and negative about everything. I know medicine can help...but I also know...through personal experience...that exercise and being healthy can help too....

 

SO....it's time to step up...time to start...time to do better...and time to start fresh...no better time then the present right!!! So here's to a new day...a new week...a new start. Slim in 6 here I come...better food choices, here I come...and eventually I WILL work up to doing Insanity!!! I WILL do it...wish me luck!!!