Change of plans...or mind set...

So after I blogged and had all the WOO HOO of starting and doing it and changing...UGH...life happened. I set myself with SO many things to fix or change or do, that I didn't know where to really start.

The day after I posted that, I visited with an incredible example & friend to me, Susan...she helped me talk through things, really put things into perspective like I wanted, and get me thinking in a way that I hadn't considered. Right now I have a lot on my "plate"...a LOT of Becki that I need to get figured out, balanced, and taken care of. And maybe, JUST maybe, my physical looks, size, weight, ALL that...maybe that isn't what's most important right now. Until I have a clear head/mind...the desire or ambition to do the physical changes won't be there. I've tried and failed TOO many times...so ya. I had an eye opening thought process...that I can handle doing little changes...choices throughout the day that would be better, but not a COMPLETE change right now. And I'm ok with that...it took a time to get where I am now...and I KNOW it's going to take a LOT of time to get to where I want to be. So I need to work on patience with myself...wish me luck!!

Well...that was a Wednesday night...that weekend Ryan & I got to go to a marriage retreat...a marriage REcharge!!! It was fabulous...I needed to be recharged!! Whew!!! The information that was taught, the people who presented, the time that was put in, the spirit that was there...WOW WOW WOW...I don't know what else to say. It was JUST what I needed and just what would lift me up. In that weekend, I was able to meet Becky Mackintosh. WOW...she is a powerhouse...as is her husband. She said some things, and then talked with Ryan & I after, and it just hit me. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to make crazy/elaborate changes right now, I need to focus on ME, on MY faith, on MY relationship with my Heavenly Father...I need to be healthy in my spiritual stuff, and THAT'S what really matters right now.

Everything in life is connected...physical, emotional, spiritual, mental...it's all tied together...and lately I've realized just HOW important our spiritual health is. The knowledge that I have of a Heavenly Father...that I AM His daughter, that HE loves me...NO MATTER WHAT. I need to really KNOW that...I need to remember and KNOW that I am worth more then the number on the scale...the size of my pants...any of that. YES being healthy is important, and I'll get there...but right now, when I'm struggling and SO low on myself and my self esteem...I NEED to refocus and pray for help and strength to truly KNOW WHO I AM.

This thought is another topic ^^^^^^^^^^^, I've had with Susan.

She has done so much to remind me that I AM enough...I DO enough...and sometimes it just doesn't stick. BUT I'm getting there. I'm grateful for the people in my life right now, because they truly, TRULY are my rocks...they help me when I need it most. They lift me when I'm down...they remind me of my eternal purpose and my Heavenly Father, and His unending love for ME. Not because I did something...but simply because I am ME, and am HIS daughter. What a blessing that is to know...and I am praying daily for help to truly KNOW this...because we all need to realize our worth.

Here are a couple awesome thoughts from President Uchtdorf...they've stuck out to me a lot in the last couple months.

So for now this is my plan...working on ME. Working on knowing my worth and the love people have for me, as well as loving myself. If I don't truly love myself, how then can I truly know what it is to love others!?!?!

Back at it.....ugh...AGAIN...

Well.....Where do I begin...

 

I don't know...I'm just so, SOO incredibly frustrated with myself. It's now November 2014 and I'm no better off then I was in January 2014 when I last posted anything...in fact I'm worse I think. Physically at least...I can say though that I've only gained 7 lbs since January, which ISN'T cool, but it could be a lot worse. So now I have 80 lbs to get to where I was when I had this sweet baby girl 18 months ago...

 

She has really brought SO much joy and happiness to our family, but I'm so disgusted with how I've let myself go...I can't handle seeing pictures of me, looking in the mirror, being in a swimsuit, "dressing" up for anything...I'm just grossed out. I know that my worth is NOT based on my weight or the number on the scale or the size of my clothes...but I KNOW that I can be better...I KNOW that I can do better...and the fact that I've let myself go for TOO long, I'm just upset. :(

 

The clothes I have hardly fit...even my "bigger" clothes from when I lost weight before...they're getting too small and I'm just uncomfortable. I'm at a loss as to where to even begin. It all seems TOO overwhelming, I make TOO many excuses, I have ZERO motivation or determination because I feel like I'll just fail. What is wrong with me? I know it didn't happen overnight to PUT this weight on, so I KNOW it's going to take time AND effort to get it off again. I'm just angry with myself. UGH...

 

Here are some pictures of ME over the last 5 months...and I don't have many others...and if I do, they're ONLY head shots. I can't handle seeing full body shots of myself. It's just BAD...

June 2014



July 2014

Sept. 2014

 

Oct 2014

Sometimes I FEEL cute in pictures...like the two above...but even still...I have to sit just right so my double chin isn't showing or anything like that. Even my cheeks and face...ugh...:( Just makes me sad...

BUT...the thing that makes me the MOST upset I think...besides the way I look or feel...the fact that I CAN'T, I CAN'T wear my wedding ring. :( My fingers have gotten too fat...you can still see the indention on my ring finger where it SHOULD be, (because I wore it for SO long with it being so tight), but I can't even get it on now. It's pathetic...and it breaks my heart...

TONIGHT

 

So here I go...where do I start?? What do I do?? Baby steps right...I KNOW I can't do things cold turkey...I can't, that just sets me up to fail. It's ALL in moderation...and I HAVE to make changes.

Anyone have suggestions?? Advice?? Wanna help me?? Wanna join me??

I went to Zumba tonight...for the first time in a LOOOOOOOOONG time. I thought I was going to die. But my wonderful, encouraging, loving instructor Shelly is doing a "12 weeks to New Years", see it HERE and I've gotta get on that too. I love that it's ONE thing a week to improve on, so by the time the new year comes, we'll already be on our way to changing!!!

Anyways...I'm going to be posting and blogging and starting this all again. I need to...I NEED to do something, and this is a way for me to be held accountable. Thanks to all who LOVE me for who I am, regardless of my faults...I'm up for anyone that REALLY wants to join me in this...cuz this is for REAL for me...it's gotta happen...

The Light DOES come...after all the dust clears

 

Well it's been an interesting, overwhelming, thought provoking, blessing filled week for Becki Jones...funny how things work out to all make more sense after quite a bit of time.
Last week I was encouraged at my counseling appointment to write my feelings down, everything that was inside me and how I was feeling. WOW...what an experience that was...I didn't think it would be much, but once I started writing it all just came pouring out. It was cool...
I've gone back and forth on what to do with this...yes I've taken other steps and done more with it personally, and I can tell you that the blessings that have come to me are incredible. It's what I've been waiting for, for a LONG time...so what a huge relief, blessing, and a great sense of peace to come over me. All along though, I've felt that I should post it, so that's what I'm doing...Ryan thinks that maybe it's something that can help others at some point...and it has truly been a HUGE help and relief for me...so here it is~~~~~~



All of these things have been pretty major issues for me since receiving an anonymous letter in the mail. My anger, self doubt, self worth is LOW, constantly wondering what everyone around me might be thinking about me. I can’t face people or things I need to because of what I feel like inside. I’ve hid in my house, in my comfort zone, in my bubble for almost 18 months now, and I’m sick of hurting. My thoughts and beliefs of myself are lower then any other time in my life. The anger inside that I suffer from and the anxiety I feel when I have to face my neighbors and members of my ward. It’s not easy. I can’t listen to or see certain people talk, write, smile, or be happy at all, because I am hurting & suffering SO much inside, so WHY is it fair that they are  or can be so happy??? It’s NOT fair and what did I do to deserve this much pain and hurt?? I’ve suffered and lost almost 18 months of my life due to all of the affects of YOUR words and that letter.

When you wrote what you did, did you honestly look at the accusations, the cruelty, the blame, and the innocent people you listed, and feel that it was REALLY worth the PAIN, AGONY, TEARS, and endless HURT it would cause me?? Did you put yourself in MY shoes and consider how it would feel to receive something SO dishonest, SO unkind, SO painful?? And then to claim and say it was written out of LOVE??? What kind of love is that? Is that the same kind of love you show to your family and loved ones, to your true/closest friends?? There was NO love in any word or part of that letter, NO care or concern how much this would truly affect me. So what gave you the right to do it AND then not even put your name on it? If it was out of love, concern, and kindness, why not claim that and ADMIT that you did it??

I haven’t been able to be the wife, mother, friend, sister, Young Women’s leader, or any other responsibility I may have, to the BEST of my ability since I opened that letter. My mind, thoughts, love of myself, confidence, and many other things were completely shaken and turned upside down. As if I didn’t already struggle with depression, then to receive that, find out I’m pregnant, AND try to process it all and put all the pieces back together?? I couldn’t do it...and I still can’t, after all this time. I don’t know if it’s had a lasting affect on you, but it has had a major one on me AND my husband. More then I can explain, express, or share. It has not been easy by any means. My faith, testimony, and beliefs have wavered. I’m not one to be offended or scared away very easily, but this came from no where and completely knocked my feet out from under me.

We never truly know how our words or actions will affect another person, but I can honestly say that I, to this day, am VERY cautious now about who I let into my life, into my family, into my home, and into my heart because this has shown me that you never know how betrayed and hurt you can be by ONE person.

I can honestly say that I know that I am now on the path and taking the proper steps needed for Becki to get to a better place. No matter the numbers of professionals it takes, along with the incredible atonement of our Savior, I know I can heal and move forward. I’m sorry you felt the need to do this to me, but I won’t let it hold me back any longer, I deserve to be happy again. I AM worth that, and I DESERVE it.

 

 

So there you have it...a LOT of pent up feelings that have been stored away for too long. Through this entire process, I have had the incredible blessing and opportunity to TRULY see, feel, and know just how much MY Savior, Jesus Christ, has done for ME. The pains, feelings, burdens have been lifted. Sure I still remember, and will still be cautious and careful about who I really open up to, but now I know also that I have the power to decide how I will act and react. I don't have to give that power to anyone else...it is MINE and I deserve to be who I am and be happy, because that is the REAL Becki. It's still a work in progress...I'm still on the journey...and I still have a lot to learn/process. BUT...I am in a different place then I was a year ago, a month ago, a week ago...it has been totally worth it. And I will NOT quit...I'm ready for the blessings and happiness to come!! 

 

 

 

Realizations coming from my EARLIER years...hmmmm...

Well as I write this...I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind the last couple weeks. It's been a tough couple weeks...and I've been through an emotional whirlwind...but I'm coming out on top. But I wanted to talk/write about things that I thought about over the weekend.

As we were doing "Saturday chores" I was doing stuff and witnessing the actions of my kids as I usually do...and I realized that I am a LOT harder on my boys at times then I am Aysha. Yes...she gets on my nerves, and she bugs her brothers, and she wants to be involved and included but isn't. So I know it's hard for her. So that got me thinking, reflecting, and realizing all the pains/struggles/raw emotions I STILL have from growing up. Dumb huh!?!?!?

It got me thinking, and I say it to my kids a LOT, about how mean it is to treat your sister that way. There are a LOT more boys in our neighborhood and Aysha gets left out a lot...she wants to be included but is usually ignored or left out or just involved because she HAS to be. It's frustrating to watch...but I think I'm realizing that it's more frustrating to me BECAUSE that was me growing up. I struggled with that from the time I was 10-18...it was rough. Yes some times were better then others...but a good majority of it was not easy. Growing up between 2 boys was interesting...yes I learned a lot from my brothers, and no I'm not always "lady-like" like I should be, BUT I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love my brothers...don't get me wrong...but those years are awkward and hard anyways...so throw something else into it and they're even harder. So as I watch and see how Aysha is treated, excluded, and sad...it brings back a LOT for me.

I wasn't the "popular" girl in school, I didn't hang out a lot outside of home, I didn't have really GOOD friends until probably my junior/senior year, my brothers tag-teamed me and weren't very nice, and my sisters were grown up and moved away so I didn't feel like I had anyone. I cried a LOT...just ask my brothers...my Dad would just have to look at me and the tears would come...I was embarrassed a lot...I am realizing now that I didn't/don't have as high of self confidence as I thought I did. I really don't like myself most of the time...and I am realizing through stuff lately...that it stems back to my growing up years. Crazy huh!?!?! I always thought I was strong, I was happy, I was ok with who I was...but now at 30 years old...I'm realizing that's not the case. WOW huh!!!

So let me share some more...my brothers were always in sports or in groups or on teams...I wasn't. I was always known as "Klous' little sister" or "Andy's sister" or "Danny's older sister" or many other things I can't remember or choose not to remember!! :) I was told a lot that I was a baby...that I wasn't cute/pretty...that I was fat or not skinny like so and so...that I'm just the "janitor" on the ship instead of the "captain, lieutenant, or anything higher"...(which this one we STILL joke about and I'm totally fine with...I think???) But as I went and saw a mental health specialist a couple months ago...he had me bring up things from my childhood, and I opened up and realized JUST how much those things really did have an effect on how I look at myself.

It was hard...when was I going to be known as BECKI!?!??! When would people know me or recognize me for ME and not just a sister to my brothers!?!?! So when I see Klous or Kyson not including Aysha...it hurts me too. When the boys team up and no one wants to include Aysha...it's sad to me. Yes she's sad too...but I think it hurts me more because I haven't completely dealt with MY issues. I don't want her to feel like this when she's grown up...I want her to be confident, I want her to be happy, I want her to LOVE herself, and I want others to know Aysha for all that AYSHA does...not other people!!!

 



Now please don't get me wrong...I LOVE my brothers to pieces...I love ALL my siblings...my brothers have (for the most part) apologized for how they treated me, what they said, and how it may have hurt. The day that happened, it truly meant the world to me...for them to realize that he realized that it really wasn't nice. I appreciated that more then he knows I think!! I am closer to my brothers now then I ever have been...and it's really hard at times that they're in Minnesota with their families and I'm in Utah...and I'm grateful for the brothers that I have.

I just thought I needed to share this and get it down...because it helps us all to look back and realize just HOW FAR back things can affect us. Never would I have thought that, when I was 12, I would still be effected by things that were said to me...I thought my skin was thicker then that, but I was wrong. I know I am trying to do better to help my kids realize how we should treat others and not just say things, they do hurt, and the can have lasting effects on them.

Emotions...

Well it's been awhile since I wrote on here...and man has it been interesting lately!!!

So Ryan & I started this challenge group thing...and last week we did GREAT!!! Well, for the most part...we followed our meal plans, exercised daily, and did better at getting more rest (minus Ayzlee being sick and not really sleeping)...ugh!! Anyways...we were doing it and then I hit a rut...an EMOTIONAL rut. Beating myself up, wanting to quit, not seeing any results that I thought was good enough...so I had had it...I wanted to just be done. Yet again something that I FAILED at right!?!?! Well Friday morning came and our "coach" Eric encouraged us to weigh in Friday and then again Monday to show us just what a weekend can do...so I weighed in Friday...and I was DOWN 5+ lbs...I was shocked!!! It really WAS working...and I WAS succeeding!!! Wow...just when I think I'm failing, I realize I'm not!!!

That gave me energy...that gave me motivation...that gave me a desire to keep going. I weighed in again on Monday morning and I had maintained all weekend...and that was with a crazy schedule, going out to eat, treating myself to a treat...and LIVING!!! It was great!!!

Well then came Monday morning...some know, some don't...BUT I'm doing therapy stuff and trying to get to the roots of my issues, thoughts, self worth feelings, and all of that...it's TOUGH. So while talking things out Monday...a LOT came out, and he got a LOT closer to the true roots of my problems...I cried and cried and CRIED. It was very emotional for me...it was WAY more then I wanted to deal with and go through...again. I've had to talk about things that I've pushed aside and buried for a LONG time...and I didn't want to dig it up, even though I knew it would most likely help me.

Anyways...I did it...and the last few days have been pretty tough for me...which means I'm turning to OLD habits instead of taking the good habits and putting them to use. I want to hide in my house...I want to eat junk...I want to not eat at all...I want to sleep...I want to be alone...I just don't want to deal with ANYTHING. I want this to go away, but I guess deep down I don't want to DO what I need to do. Just take it away...it sucks and I don't like it anymore. Ugh...:(

 

 I'm trying to get back on track...but I've been in such a LOW spot that I can't seem to crawl far enough out. It's ridiculous...I'll get there...but it'll take time...one day at a time...

 



I have a LOT on my mind...I have a LOT to get through...and I have a LOT to let go of. It probably won't be easy...ok...I know it won't be easy...but I can do it...I can get through it...with time. I need to realize and remember the things that pull me OUT of these funks...I need to realize how much joy and satisfaction I DO get from exercise...how much joy I feel when I stand on the scale and see numbers going down...I want to be there again...I want to be upset, mad, and frustrated and KNOW that I can go work it off...instead of eat it up. You know!?!?! Someday...hopefully right!?!?!

 



One last thought...I saw this and thought it fit for me VERY well right now...(minus the part about sticking up your middle finger, cuz I don't do that)...but the rest of it TRULY fits all that I'm feeling and holding on to. When I can get to the point again of not worrying about what others think...not comparing myself to everyone else...not thinking that I'll NEVER be good enough until...fill in the blank...I can start to love myself. That's something I haven't had in a LONG time too. And if I don't love myself, then I feel WHY would anyone else love me?? WHY!?!?!

That's a lot of thought for tonight...I've got a LOT on my mind and could just keep going...but I need to process things first I think. So to each of you who read this...thank you for loving Becki for Becki...thank you for being my friend or in my support group...thank you for accepting me despite my faults...thank you for being there. It all means more then you know!!! Here's to a better day tomorrow...and staying on track again!!! :)

I want...I want...I want...

Alright...it's been a few days again. It's been busy around here...we got new windows/doors the last couple days and I've been trying to balance everything. Also with life, work, kids, sleep, naps, food, and reality...we're trying to figure out this eating better/exercise schedule for us. We need to get it in each day...so we've gotta make it a priority!!!

 

Well we've been following some recipes/guidelines for meals through the "Live the Life" plan...the recipes are pretty easy and delicious!!! They are kind of low on calories, and we've had to figure out what we're lacking, what more we need, and how to deal with the headaches and such that come from making changes!!! I've been on pop for FOUR days now...and I've had a pretty nasty headache for the last 3 days...I don't know if it's just the pop...or not enough water...or not enough calories...or not enough sleep...or ALL of the above!?!?! I don't know...but I keep pushing through it. I have to!!! I've got to show myself I can succeed and do this again!!!

 

There are a few of the recipes that Ryan and I are really proud of and enjoying!!! This is one meal we made for dinner one night...it's a BBQ Chicken wrap and Apple Crunch Chicken salad...they were both SOO good!!!

 

 

 

So we're slowly figuring things out...but it sure takes time. We've been going to the Rec centers and trying to get something in. Monday night we met Ryan's sister Shauna there and we walked/ran/rode bikes and whatever we felt inclined to do. It was good. Tuesday night I went to Zumba...WOW...I am SO out of shape. I was DYING after the 3rd song. I can't believe how quickly you lose the energy, stamina, ability to KEEP GOING!!! I wanted to quit and leave, but I knew I'd be upset with myself. So I pushed through that also and finished!!! It was SO great being back, seeing friends and my Zumba family that I have truly missed!!! I'm so grateful for each of them and their love!!!

 

Now I'm having a tough time...I know what I want...but I still get discouraged...I feel like I'm failing. I really need to forgive myself and realize it IS ok to eat a treat and it won't ruin everything I'm doing. I know I can't live without treats, sugar, pop for the rest of my life...that is just setting me up to fail...BUT I also know that I need to limit it and take moderation into consideration with EACH and EVERY choice!!! This next picture shows me EXACTLY what I want...I want that body back...I want that smile back...I want to feel and be healthier. I KNOW I can do it...but it won't be easy. It takes a LOT of work...it takes a LOT of determination...it takes a LOT of self control...and I CAN do this...I've done it before, why is this time any different!?!?! I WILL get that Becki back...I deserve it!!!

 

Little steps = BIG aches sometimes...

So yesterday Ryan's sister Shauna asked us if we'd be up for joining them at the Provo Rec center to play in the water or something. The boys wanted to play basketball for awhile and then go swimming in the water park. I really did want to go and hang out with the family...BUT I did NOT want to go swimming. As I said yesterday...NONE of my clothes fit, I don't like myself in anything, and I was NOT going to put on a swimsuit...so I decided that I'd push Ayzlee in the stroller and we'd walk the track or something.
And that's what we did...we walked...and walked...and walked some more until I needed some drinks and to stretch. Yes...one of these days I'll REALLY learn that I need to stretch BEFORE too. So we'd walk some laps and then stop for a drink...then I walked a couple more laps and decided I wanted to try something else. So I go on one of the bikes...I couldn't believe how incredibly exhausted I was. In all I did 9-10 laps around the track...(I don't know if it's 5 or 6 laps that make a mile there???) and then I did 7 minutes on the bike. I was DYING...my legs were shaking...heart was pounding...body was aching...and I was SO out of breath. Unbelievable...but I did it!!! AND it felt good...the pain felt good!!! The aches and sweat and pounding heart felt good!!!
So then comes today...my body was pretty tired and sore today...we cleaned up and got the holiday stuff put away...hung out as a family...and then decided to go to the rec center again...this time I DID go swimming with the kids...it was hard not to when my sweet Klous comes up to me and tells me, "Mom, it's ok because you're going to start exercising and eating better, so then you'll want to swim more." It was cute!!!

So now comes my honesty and venting...I had a BIG reality hit me today, and I can't seem to get over it. I know it's in the past...and I know I'm moving forward, but it just makes me sick to realize HOW far I've let myself go. When I was pregnant with Ayzlee, for those 9 months, I gained a WHOPPING 4 pounds...yes only 4 pounds. After she was born I was smaller, skinnier, and liked my body more then I had in a LONG time...and I dropped a lot more then that 4 lbs. Well here I am...Ayzlee will be 9 months NEXT week...and when I stood on the scale this morning, to prepare for a challenge we're starting Monday, I realized I have gained 75 pounds...yes, SEVENTY-FIVE pounds. DISGUSTING...I've been just disgusted all day...WHY?? HOW?? WHAT was I thinking!?!?! UGH....this is how I felt when I stood on it...and reality hit...



Anyways...here I am...preparing and getting ready a challenge starting Monday. It's a challenge to lose 4% of my body weight in 30 days...that's doable right!?!?! RIGHT??? I can do this...WE can do this...Ryan & I are doing this together and trying to recruit more family to join us!!! It's a GREAT jump start and kick-off. I'm also going to start going back to Zumba...I miss it. I miss the people/friends/family I've got there. I miss the endorphins it helped me burn. I miss the joy it brought me...so I will be back this week. Exhausted as ALL get out, but I'll be there!!!

Gonna Try This Again....

Well...the last time I posted or said anything on here was in JULY...now it is January 2014...and NOTHING has changed in my style of living. I'm continually gaining weight, getting more and more hard on myself, more depressed, more ornery & grumpy with my family...it's just not good. I've been thinking/wanting to DO something and make changes for a while now...but I honestly could not get my mind to tell my body to actually DO it. So it's been a LOT of ups and downs for the last few months...

I saw this picture tonight...and I thought it fit me very well. I KNOW I am the reason I'm how I am...I know I can change because it's been done before...I just need to DO it. Doesn't matter what size I am or where I'm at...I've just gotta take a step in the RIGHT direction each day...with each step and each day, things WILL improve.



 





 

 

So...Ryan and I are in this together this time...we're both really feeling that we need to get healthy and be doing better. If we don't start changing and making better choices, our kids will follow in our footsteps, and that's NOT what we want for them. I want to be an active, fun, HAPPY mom...and at this point in my life right now I am NOT there...so things need to change. All I do is beat myself up constantly, HATE looking at myself in any reflection or mirror, I don't like getting dressed or going places because NOTHING fits or looks good on me (or so I think/see)...it's just tough. And THIS quote hit sooo...close to home for me. The internal pain, thoughts, self-worth, and depression I'm struggling with CAN be overcome and fixed...when I do what I know I need to be doing.

So here I sit on Friday night, ALL of my family sound asleep around me...and I have lots of thoughts going through my head. In January of 2012 I sat in a similar place with similar thoughts in my head, and I wanted to start something and MAKE the change for me and to jump in full force. At this point I am getting myself to look back on what I accomplished THEN, and to convince myself that I CAN and WILL do this. Yes, it'll take time....Yes, it'll take work...Yes, it'll cause sweat an tears...Yes, I'll probably want to give up and quit...BUT I will succeed and I WILL achieve what I want to do. It won't happen overnight...and I'll have to continually remind myself of that, it won't be easy...but I CAN do it...putting one foot in front of the other!!! Trying to NOT focus on the BIG picture, but instead realizing all that I can accomplish, improve on, change, and DO one day at a time!!!

 

 

Wish me luck...join me on this journey if you'd like...keep in touch with what I'm doing...because I NEED this all back in my life again...it's been FAR too long...and I've shed FAR too many tears over all my unhappiness. Plenty of reasons I'm wanting to do this and start it again...but I think the BIGGEST reason is because I want to be able to have a REAL smile on my face and that look in my eyes, that when I look in the mirror I'm not disgusted and angry...but instead happy with what I see, where I am, and WHO I am continually becoming...I'll get there!!!

Thoughts...

Well it's been an interesting week...that's for sure!!! Just to start off...depression and negative thoughts SUCK. They just seem to overtake me and I can't get out of the slump. That's how this last week has been...I'm doing better today...compared to LAST Friday, but still not 100% yet.

Amongst feeling blah and not liking myself...I wanted to start exercising and eating better this week...well I let me negativity get the best of me and I give in to that instead. I have NO motivation or ambition to do anything. It's too hot, it's too early, it's too exhausting, it's too HARD, it's too much WORK...and it's just excuse after excuse. I've been here before...and I can feel myself getting more and more upset at my dumb choices. Because I have experienced and seen how exercise, eating better, and being healthy has REALLY helped me and made me happier. I was so down that I didn't even go to Zumba on Tuesday...because again I gave in to my negativity. DUMB!!

Well I found out Monday that I have to have some pretty big dental stuff done...and that just frustrates me too, because it's things I could've prevented...but didn't. And now Ryan has to remind me that we/I can't dwell on the past...but it's hard not to. So frustrated with the expense it'll be, the damage it's caused, and the poor example I am to my kids. UGH...anyways. After realizing that I would be having that all done this coming MONDAY...and that I wouldn't be able to go to Zumba next week because of that...I KNEW I had to buck up and get there Thursday...

Well I had a eye opening experience on Thursday...realizing that our Heavenly Father is truly in our lives and is aware of us...even when we don't think we deserve it. There were numerous "tender mercies" that happened yesterday that I needed. It really helped me to realize that I CAN do this...I CAN do better...and I CAN overcome this trial. My zumba instructor posted a link to another ladies blog...

http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/

And it was exactly what I needed to read...I encourage you to read it also!!! It's uplifting and a good reminder that even the smallest things we do are GREAT to others and can really mean a lot.

Sooooo....now I guess I'm rambling...but what I'm trying to say and get across is that even in our hardest, darkest, most frustrating times...we are NOT alone. Even if we don't feel anything around us...if spouses, kids, family, friends, WHOEVER isn't reaching out how you wish they would...you are NOT alone...and Heavenly Father is ALWAYS, ALWAYS aware of what you're doing and how you're feeling. I really struggled with allowing Him to help me this week and reaching out to Him...until last night...and when I finally prayed...I cried and cried...He will not leave us alone. And what a blessing that is to know...he's just waiting for us!!! I LOVE that!!!

Trials suck...challenges are hard...people in our lives don't always uplift us and help us...sometimes they bring us down, and we need to realize the ones who may not be helping us.

Wow...I hope this made SOME sense!?!?! Yikes... :) Until next time!!!

I'm BAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!

Well...LONG time no blogging huh...

Now that it's been an entire YEAR...I figured no better time then now to start again...cuz I NEED it.
I've been REALLY slacking the last few months...and yes as much as I can say, "I just had a baby"...it's been 3+ months now!! Ugh...

Anyways...here's a quick recap of the last year for me, because it's been a whirlwind of a year...plenty of trials, emotions, hormones, depression issues, happy times, learning moments, and blessings. But for me lately the hard times/trials REALLY out weigh the happy times.

SOOOO....last July...I went to an AMAZING week of Girls Camp with our ward Young Women...then we headed to Minnesota for our family vacation for 2 weeks. Which ended up being 3 weeks for the kids & I...it was SO hard to be away from Ryan. Kudos to those wives who do it on their own cuz I could NOT. Then came August...we were prepping and getting ready for Klous to start Kindergarten....oh the emotions that came along with that!!! I had some MAJOR anxiety and nerves about it...but they started lasting longer then I had expected them to...and while having other symptoms and thoughts...we decided I may as well pee on a pregnancy test. After FOUR pregnancy tests being POSITIVE...there was no denying that was part of my issue. Yes I had anxiety also...but morning sickness was adding to it too.
This was quite a shock to us...a happy one...but a big surprise. I had planned on starting Insanity the beginning of September...but after contemplating it...I didn't think it would be good to my body or my baby growing!! So I put it off and thought, I'll do that AFTER I have the baby...so that started my SLOW SLOW SLOW time of exercising and being healthy anymore. I was sick...I was tired...I was hormonal...I was exhausted...so I stopped doing things I should've still done. I did continue to go to Zumba which was a HUGE help and strength to me!!!
In September...well that was a challenging month. The depression and self worth and my abilities were REALLY questioned this month. I lost some weight with the pregnancy because of it. :( It's always a challenge to think happy thoughts or be positive about yourself when you get an "anonymous" letter in the mail stating what an AWFUL person you are and everything you've done wrong to people. It sucked...and I can't imagine how ANYONE could be so incredibly hurtful, rude, and unkind....and then NOT put their name to it. That sounds like a true coward to me...if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all. (That's what I was taught at least)...
So throughout September, October, and into November/December I really struggled with my thoughts and myself and those around me. Wondering what I really was thought of...how people felt...and what the point was in me being around. Not the greatest time of my life, that's for sure.
Come the beginning of the year, I had mostly overcome that stupid letter and realizing there was NO truth to it and that people really did still love me and care about me. But I still had the depressing thoughts...seasonal depression set in too...and the hormones of pregnancy were NO good to me. I shut down...I did a LOT of emotional eating...or didn't eat at all...I wouldn't go places, I didn't open my blinds or windows...I just didn't want to see anyone of talk to anyone. So then came time to go to the Dr for some help...AGAIN...everything added together was causing some pretty scary thoughts and scenarios...so Ryan convinced me it was best to get some help...I did it grudgingly!!!!
The next few months were ok...and the ending of my pregnancy. I was still going to Zumba and trying to stay happy. Through my entire pregnancy, I only gained 4 pounds...it was a mixture of still exercising AND the depression issues I think!?!?! Cause I've always gained 15-20 with my other 3...so!?!?!? Not the healthiest pregnancy...but I was still active and trying.

Then came April 8th...when we welcomed our BEAUTIFUL baby girl, Ayzlee Rebecca. She is definitely another princess in our family...and is LOVED and ADORED by her siblings and parents!!! Funny how things work out and how things fall into place after time. It was no coincidence that she was supposed to come when she did!!!

Here's Ayzlee with the proud brothers & sister!!!

 



Our beautiful princess herself!!!

 

THIS is a picture I love!!! I felt SO skinny and happy with myself then...my tummy was flatter and didn't have a baby in it...and I felt comfortable again!!! (minus the after birth pains!!!)

Then come 3 months later....and I'm NOT real impressed or happy with myself...I've let myself go again...my chins have come back...my gut is bigger then when I got prego...and my clothes aren't fitting like I want.

 

Check out that NASTY gut on me...yuck...(and no that's not our baby...that's our niece!! Our baby is with us above!!!)

 

So here I sit...upset with where I'm at. Depressed and down about things happening in my life that I can't seem to get a handle on. Which then I give into emotional eating and JUNK food. My meals for the last 2 months have seriously consisted of...cold cereal, PB m&m's, cherry coke, an occasional wrap or deli meat sandwich, mac n' cheese, PB m&m's, cherry coke, PB m&m's, apple juice, PB m&m's...it's AWFUL...I haven't even stood on the scale since right after having Ayzlee BECAUSE I'm worried about what the number will say. YUCK...When I had her and came home...I stood on it and was at 164 I think...which I only got up to 191 when I was prego...SO...I was very happy with that number. BUT now here I sit...well over what I want to be at I'm sure...and grossed out by myself...sick of feeling like CRAP...tired of being tired...and sick of being depressed and negative about everything. I know medicine can help...but I also know...through personal experience...that exercise and being healthy can help too....

 

SO....it's time to step up...time to start...time to do better...and time to start fresh...no better time then the present right!!! So here's to a new day...a new week...a new start. Slim in 6 here I come...better food choices, here I come...and eventually I WILL work up to doing Insanity!!! I WILL do it...wish me luck!!!

The last 2 weeks...

Man oh man...has it been a CrAzY couple of weeks...we have been all over the place...run, run, running it seems...and seriously SO exhausted...emotionally, physically, and mentally. We've had a couple days to re-coop now...but it has been QUITE a couple of weeks...

It started last week by heading to St. George, UT (way down south)...where we had the double funeral for Great-Grandma/Grandpa Jones...it was a TOUGH time...it was a wonderful funeral...(if they can be wonderful)...and it's great knowing they're still together...but during that trip, the majority of the family got sick...there was little sleep that happened...LOTS of tears and emotions...and LOTS of swimming/sunshine. Not to mention it was HOT HOT HOT down there...about 100 degrees all 3 days we were there... 

Then came this week...Ryan's youngest brother, Matthew, has chosen to go on a mission for our church...he will be serving for 2 years in the Chile Osorno Mission...and had to report to the MTC (Missionary Training Center) on Wednesday afternoon. So Sunday, Monday, & Tuesday were family days...and even MORE emotion...
He's an AMAZING kid...and such an example to all of us. It was a lot harder to say good-bye to him then I realized it would be. So there again...a LOT of emotions and tears!!

So...I guess the reason I'm writing this post is...to say I am officially re-committing...I have turned into a VERY emotional eater, non-eater, lazy-exerciser...just NOT what I want to be. I've fallen into a funk...and a slump...and I NEED to get out. I know I am a LOT happier when I exercise and eat better...I know it's best for me...and I know I need it...

SO...here goes. I have a friend who has the INSANITY dvd's and is letting me borrow them...so I will be starting those...I KNOW it'll kick my butt...but I need it!!! I will be re-thinking my eating/food choices...because I KNOW that the only way to get rid of my tummy pooch is to change my nutrition...so here goes.

RE-COMMITING...because I NEED to improve and get back on track. I'm not happy with myself lately...I'm not excited when I look in the mirror...and I do NOT want to stay in this funk...I MUST get out...for myself, for my family, and for my health. I NEED it!!!

Wish me luck...keep me accountable...and keep me motivated...I continue to see other peoples results and continuing accomplishments...and I WANT THAT...so I will do it!!! 

When I got to Ryan's parents house on Tuesday night...I walked out the back door in the dress I have on in the pictures above...and Matthew (Ryan's brother) said to me..."Wow...that's a nice dress"...it was one of the SWEETEST things I've heard from him...and as nice as the compliment was...I don't feel that way when I see myself in it. I WILL make that dress look even nicer!!! Because I deserve it!!!

So here's the start of a whole new journey...again!!! I CAN DO IT!!

Thoughts...

This picture is kinda dark...and not the best...but this is the last time we got to visit and see these two. :( This is Ryan's Grandma & Grandpa on his dad's side. Last Friday Grandma Jones passed away...she fought a hard fight and finally was able to leave her frail, sick, "broken" body...and return to live with our Heavenly Father and those who have gone before her. When we were there visiting them, they told us they had it all planned out and that they were going to "go" together...and have a joint funeral...at first I thought that was odd. I knew they were given only a little time left to live...but how can you really KNOW that you'll go together??? How can you be so sure...and what if it doesn't happen like that??? Well...they knew...they had it all worked out and planned...because this past Thursday, Grandpa Jones passed away. Only 6 days after his love...his queen...his eternal companion...he was able to be reunited with her and all those other family members who have gone on before her. What a blessing that is!!! 

I know some elderly people who have been alone for 2, 5, 10, 12, 15 years...and how hard it is for them...how lonely they get...how sad it must be at times. What a blessing it is to only have to be away from the one you love the most....the one you've lived SO many years with...the one who was by your side day in and day out...to only be away from her for 6 days. Who knows how quickly that goes by on the other side...but how great it is that they're able to be together again...and for us to have the knowledge and beliefs that Families ARE Forever...that we WILL be able to see them again...that it may be a "long" time here on earth...but for them it may be just a blink??? What great knowledge we as a family have...yes it's sad and will be hard this week with the funerals...but they're happy, they're strong & healthy again, they're watching over us, and they WILL be there to greet us when our time comes.

The deaths of Grandma & Grandpa have gotten me thinking...watching how my kids react when we talk about it...hearing their questions and concerns...knowing that this is their first time experiencing death and funerals...wondering how we'll explain it to them, and if they'll really understand it??? When Ryan & I got married...I only had my one grandma alive still...and she passed away only a month into our marriage. :( I had SO much joy to come into a family that still have all 4 grand-parents...because I didn't really know mine that well. I was young when they all passed...but now to experience this and know that this is the "first" passing of grand-parents...wondering how to love, support, lend an ear or a shoulder, just BE there for those who need it...it's tough. I am here...I'll do my best to stay strong...but those who know me know that I'm emotional...and when the joint funeral comes this week...it'll be interesting to see how it hits everyone. When the reality is there that they're really gone...yes our knowledge is wonderful and brings peace and comfort to us...BUT...we still need to mourn and handle however is best for each of us.

So...although this has NOTHING to do with weight-loss...or NOTHING to do with being healthy...it's a LOT of what's weighing on my mind lately...here's to hoping to have the Spirit with me and the rest of the family as we take on this next week. We LOVE you Grandma & Grandpa...we're SO grateful for the evening we had to visit and laugh and be with you before you were gone. It's opened our eyes to realize NOT to take family, friends, and people for granted...you never know when the last time will be. Or when they just WON'T be there anymore...

Hmmmm....so many thoughts...WE LOVE YOU GUYS!!! We miss you...and we are SO happy that you're able to be together again...and together FOREVER!!!

New found DESIRE...DETERMINATION...and MOTIVATION...

So...we've made some changes to our family vacation this year...because of cost, reality, family thoughts, and more...we've decided to go home to Minnesota this summer instead of going to San Diego. I kind of got a prideful, stubborn side when it came to vacations, because I get upset that my family doesn't come out here and see me...so I told Ryan..."I am NOT going home this year, until someone comes to see us"....well. Then we figured out what we would like to do...started adding up costs...and realized it's REALLY expensive. Then with Ryan's Grandma passing away last week...it helped us realize that we need to take advantage of the times we CAN go see family and spend time with them. My kids and hubby haven't been to MN in 2 years...and the kids have grown a LOT since the summer of 2010...so it's about time for us to go back!!!

ANYWAYS...that's our plan...and with this plan...comes another realization to me...that I have FAILED on my goals, desires, and hopes of being healthier, skinnier, and better off!!! I have kind of "given up" I guess you could say the last couple months...and it's not fun. I'm putting on pounds again...(not a lot)...but still some. My "SMALL" pants I was able to wear...and now too tight...so I'm not "slim" like I was before...SO...it's time to kick it into gear. I have 6-7 weeks until we go to Minnesota. I have enough time to do a challenge and get some of my goals reached. 

SO....like this picture/magnet says..."Wish it....Dream it...DO IT"....I will be DOING IT...

I'm going to step it up with eating...I'm cutting back on sugars and sweets...no more snacking when I want like I've fallen back into. I'm going to be drinking Shakeology more often again for meals...I'm going to be making healthier meals and making more positive/healthier choices when I'm hungry. I will get rid of this stomach if it takes everything out of me!!! I HAVE TO!!!

As for exercise...I'm still doing good with my exercise...I mean I'm not still doing Slim in 6 right now...BUT I am going to start up again...a friend of mine has Insanity and is going to let me borrow it to try it out...so I'm PUMPED about that!!! We'll see where it takes me and how I do...BUT...I WILL DO IT!!! 

So...here we go...we are leaving July 21st for Minnesota...and by that time I want to be smaller and slimmer and happier then I am NOW!!! Here's to wishing me luck...who wants to do it too!!! :) :) :)

Blog YOUR heart...

Well I've debated about doing this for about a week now...and wondered if it would really be worth it...or if it would just upset people or whatever...but you know what...this is MY blog...and MY post...and MY thoughts...and MY heart...so I will blog about it!!! :) I found it on a friends BLOG and thought it was interesting and great how open she was and how great it must feel to get your REAL feelings out there...and then I checked out the original link/blog HERE about what this "blog your heart" was all about...it hit me...I CAN do this...and it'll probably help me feel better!!! SO...before you read ALL of this post...you might wanna check out the original blog about this to get the "rules"...mostly the NO JUDGING one!!! ;) 
I debated about putting it on this blog...or my family one...but lets be honest...I don't post on that one much anymore...it's quite sad....so...it's going on here!!!


So here goes...here's my thoughts...


1. My kids...I really DO love them to pieces...but MAN...some days are SO hard. :( The last couple weeks have been LOTS of those days...it's so hard. The constant whining, complaining, dirty looks, talking back, crying, fighting, arguing, NOT LISTENING, doing the complete opposite of what I've asked them to do...it's SO frustrating. And they're only 5, 3, and 2...WHAT will I do when they're teenagers!?!?! YIKES!?!?! I'm just so tired of being grumpy all the time...or yelling all the time...or having to punish and make them cry more because of their original choice/action. WHY is it so hard!?!?! My goodness...and then to hear that they're SO good and great helpers for other people...why not for their MOM!?!!? Was I like this!?!? Did I do this when I was little!?!!?! If so I'm SORRY mom...Ugh...it's just hard. Mommy-hood is HARD...and I'm ready for the days when it's a little bit easier!?!?! Do those ever come!?!?!?


2. My hubby...he's amazing...but I sure treat him like garbage sometimes :(. He's my bestest friend and I love him to death...but he gets the brunt of EVERYTHING...and it's not fair to him. Why does he put up with me?? Why do I continue treating him like that?? Why why why!?!? Why can't I just show him that I love him and continue to show him and treat him like that?? 


3. Money...YUCK...I hate money. Can't live with it and can't live without it. I know we are blessed...and honestly in no way are we "poor"...but when does the struggling stop!?!?! When can I just feel content in where we are and be happy about it?? When can I go to the grocery store or Wal-Mart and be able to get EVERYTHING we need without having to worry about being broke for the next two weeks!?!?! When will the BIG light-bulb turn on for us...or me...that I'll be able to figure out what we can do to BETTER our situation...or better yet...have faith that things will be OK!?!?! We're not starving...we're not naked...we're not cold and homeless...WHY is that not enough for me!?!?!?!


4. Depression...DOUBLE YUCK!!! I have been doing SO good for so long now without signs of this...and all of a sudden since the beginning of May...I feel like a ton of bricks have been set back on me and I just keep going deeper and deeper. I continue to exercise and be outside cuz that makes me HAPPY...I NEED the sunshine and fresh air to feel happiness...but it's just not enough. Little things are just irritating...problems seem SO big when really they're not...I'm snapping at things that really don't matter. When will it go away...when can I just get up in the mornings and just be ok and happy!?!?! Why does depression have to linger and hang out...I don't like it...so GO AWAY!!!


5. Comparing myself to others...I try SO hard to not do this...I try to look at ALL I'm blessed with and appreciate it. I look at others and their issues or problems...and yes it makes me grateful for what I do have...BUT...it also makes me want to FIX things for others. I know that I'm not the happiest all the time or lately...but I still want to do ALL I can do make others happy and appreciate what they have and who they are!!! I can't do it all...I don't have it all...everyone else seems to be doing things SO much better then me...and I just need to stop. But how!?!??!


6. Family...HA...that's something isn't it...family!!! My family back home in Minnesota or here in Utah...Ryan's family here in Utah...family members that are on their last leg of life and not knowing when it will be the end. Family members who don't really talk to anyone anymore...everyone has their own lives and no one talks. No more family get-togethers...no more phone calls really...no emails, texts, or messages. Nothing...it's so sad. I know I have Ryan and my kiddos...but I really do miss my sisters, brothers, parents, nieces, nephews...EVERYONE...what happened!?!?! Why can't we all just get along!?!?! (Again...another problem/issue that I just want to FIX and I can't)...Then the family that is close...that we still don't seem to see that often...people get "busy" or whatever and things just happen and time passes. Well...soon the time will not be there anymore...and then what will we have!?!?! Lots of "woulda, coulda, shoulda's"....and it's gonna suck. So how do we change that and fix it!?!?!?


7. ME...what happened to ME!?!?! I look at my life...I've gone through LOTS of pictures lately and thinking back on times and activities...we really change huh!?!?! But do we?? Some is for the better...some not so much. We had GREAT friends then...and meet GREAT people now...but have lost touch with the friends from before. Again...people get "busy" and then time is gone. So what can I do to help?? What can I do to change?? What can I do to improve?? I am a happy person...I really am...don't know if everyone knows that about me...but I am!!! ;) I like to smile, laugh, have fun, and have a good time...but lately I'm not. I put on a good show I think...but things are just tough...so where do I find ME again!?!?! 


8. Older generations...I LOVE THEM!!! I'm so grateful for the ones I have in my life...my parents...Ryan's parents...Ryan's grandparents...neighbors...friends...people in the neighborhood...I am SO blessed to have such REAL people and REAL love from them. I tell them over and over that I'd really spend a whole day with the "older generation" group then people my age. The mind set is so different...and they just love you for who you are and just really want a listening ear or a friend. I wanna be more like that. I appreciate the examples of people that age that I have...and these ages I'm talking about are 60+...they're just GREAT!!!


Ahhhhh...ok...I think that's about it...for now at least!!! SO...tell me...what is in YOUR heart...blog about it...comment...whatever!!! It is VERY relieving!!! Check it out...try it...you won't be sorry!!! ;)

My life lately = Reality & Discouragement...

So where to begin...MY life lately...I love my life...RIGHT!?!?! ;) Some days I really wonder WHAT THE HECK I'm supposed to do...or WHY I'm supposed to be going through this. It gets VERY hard at times...as you all know who are reading this...we're all human, and we ALL have challenges. 

So...this last week...well really just the weekend...I kept telling myself since last time I wrote...OK...I'm going to get better...I'm GOING to be making better choices food-wise...I WILL do this...then comes reality...lack of money...lack of groceries...lack of desire because everything else is lacking and "what's the point"...right!?!?! Well at least that's how I felt...judge if you'd like ;)

Saturday was a BUSY day...we went up to Logan, UT for a wedding of a dear, family friend...it was a BEAUTIFUL wedding...they're gorgeous together...and it was a GREAT day together with my sweet little family....aren't we cute!!!

But let's be honest...driving 2 1/2 hours north and hanging out in a town ALL day...can NOT be a good thing for "dieting" or "trying to eat good"...because what did we do...brought things in the van to snack on...brought donuts for the kids for breakfast cuz we didn't want to stop somewhere else...and then we went out for lunch together as a family...and they screwed up my GRILLED chicken sandwich order...so I got part of the bill taken off for that...but then they brought me a complimentary shake for screwing up...YUM!!! It was hot, and the ice cream was good...but I shouldn't have!!! ;) 

Then came Sunday...my lazy, busy, lack of eating day too!! Luckily we were invited over to some friends' house for dinner...so I didn't have to cook...THANKS PAKA ;) It was a great time...and she made a good meal!!!

Well...then it was Monday...the start of a NEW day, a NEW week, a NEW time for me...and what happens...I wake up on the WRONG side of the bed...the kids are EXTRA whiny and moody...I've had it with their talking back...then it got up to 95 degrees out...so it was HOT and MISERABLE...then naps came...(heavenly...even if it was only Kyson who slept)...and then we're back outside. The kids wanted water...and I come in to fill their cups...and NOTHING...the water wasn't working...LOVELY.

I called Ryan...who said he'd be coming home soon...I called the city to see if any lines had issues around us...I talked to neighbors...and of course it was ONLY our house...SO YAY...go us!!! This all started about 4:15...I had already pulled meat out and planned on making a good healthy taco salad dinner...but obviously...the water issue took over. SO...ya...come to find out there was a crack of some kind in a line of the water softener...and it was causing the water to suck up ALL the water softener beads through the pipes and faucets...causing it all to look like THIS...

Kitchen sink...

 Master bath sink...

 And the other bathroom sink...

 Nice huh!! ;) Don't be jealous of our SWEET water...Klous thought it was apple juice!!! ;) Anyways...got a neighbor over who was SO kind and willing to help us...during dinner time and family night...so THANK YOU ERIC!!! But...eventually he unhooked the water softener and it cleared right up...THANKFULLY!!! Now if only the stupid washer would work...eventually...UGH...

Anyways...what I am trying to get at is...LIFE JUST SUCKS SOMETIMES...and there's NOTHING we can do!!! Right!?!?!? 

WRONG...we can look at the positive...which is what Ryan is helping me do today...looking at the little blessings that have come of this...the fact that it is only the water softener and NOT replacing all the plumbing...cuz we were worried that would be it...the fact that we have neighbors who can help us...and on and on...

SO...what I'm needing to do today...and trying to tell myself over and over is this...I CAN get through this...I CAN still change and improve...I CAN be happy...and when I checked my trainer, friend Eric's facebook this morning...I saw numerous quotes that I REALLY needed...so here are a couple...

LOVE it...I've given up on my dreams...my goals...and I CAN'T...I'm the only one who can change things...and if I don't do it for myself...it won't happen...so I WILL do it!!!

 

And this...I just need to TRY...one foot then the other...I'll never know if I CAN do it...if I don't TRY...I need to do it...and so can any of you!! We just need to DO...
Then Eric's brother Dave...he's very helpful and inspirational as well...these are some he posted...and I wanted to share...this first one meant a LOT...at church on Sunday there was a lot of talk on challenges...and how we all have them...and one of the speakers even read a poem about getting up each time we fall...isn't that what life is about...if we didn't get UP...we wouldn't have much to live for right!?!?! So I need to GET UP...GET OUT...and GO!!!

And the obvious...well we don't realize it's so obvious...but I loved this anyways...I can still eat til I'm full...I can feed my body the food and fuel it needs...I just need to be eating the RIGHT stuff...not the crap...aka...donuts, snacks, sugar, CRAP that I've been eating TOO much of the last couple months...

So to my fellow bloggers, readers, friends, examples...THANK YOU for being patient with me...thank you for being there when I needed you...thank you for continuing to encourage me and compliment me...YOU are the ones who keep me going...and I WILL be back...I WILL be starting again...and I WILL succeed and fulfill me goals that I wanted for myself this year...we just all seem to get little hiccups along the way huh!!!