Well it's been an interesting week...that's for sure!!! Just to start off...depression and negative thoughts SUCK. They just seem to overtake me and I can't get out of the slump. That's how this last week has been...I'm doing better today...compared to LAST Friday, but still not 100% yet.
Amongst feeling blah and not liking myself...I wanted to start exercising and eating better this week...well I let me negativity get the best of me and I give in to that instead. I have NO motivation or ambition to do anything. It's too hot, it's too early, it's too exhausting, it's too HARD, it's too much WORK...and it's just excuse after excuse. I've been here before...and I can feel myself getting more and more upset at my dumb choices. Because I have experienced and seen how exercise, eating better, and being healthy has REALLY helped me and made me happier. I was so down that I didn't even go to Zumba on Tuesday...because again I gave in to my negativity. DUMB!!
Well I found out Monday that I have to have some pretty big dental stuff done...and that just frustrates me too, because it's things I could've prevented...but didn't. And now Ryan has to remind me that we/I can't dwell on the past...but it's hard not to. So frustrated with the expense it'll be, the damage it's caused, and the poor example I am to my kids. UGH...anyways. After realizing that I would be having that all done this coming MONDAY...and that I wouldn't be able to go to Zumba next week because of that...I KNEW I had to buck up and get there Thursday...
Well I had a eye opening experience on Thursday...realizing that our Heavenly Father is truly in our lives and is aware of us...even when we don't think we deserve it. There were numerous "tender mercies" that happened yesterday that I needed. It really helped me to realize that I CAN do this...I CAN do better...and I CAN overcome this trial. My zumba instructor posted a link to another ladies blog...
http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/
And it was exactly what I needed to read...I encourage you to read it also!!! It's uplifting and a good reminder that even the smallest things we do are GREAT to others and can really mean a lot.
Sooooo....now I guess I'm rambling...but what I'm trying to say and get across is that even in our hardest, darkest, most frustrating times...we are NOT alone. Even if we don't feel anything around us...if spouses, kids, family, friends, WHOEVER isn't reaching out how you wish they would...you are NOT alone...and Heavenly Father is ALWAYS, ALWAYS aware of what you're doing and how you're feeling. I really struggled with allowing Him to help me this week and reaching out to Him...until last night...and when I finally prayed...I cried and cried...He will not leave us alone. And what a blessing that is to know...he's just waiting for us!!! I LOVE that!!!
Trials suck...challenges are hard...people in our lives don't always uplift us and help us...sometimes they bring us down, and we need to realize the ones who may not be helping us.
Wow...I hope this made SOME sense!?!?! Yikes... :) Until next time!!!
Friday, July 19, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
I'm BAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!
Well...LONG time no blogging huh...
Now that it's been an entire YEAR...I figured no better time then now to start again...cuz I NEED it.
I've been REALLY slacking the last few months...and yes as much as I can say, "I just had a baby"...it's been 3+ months now!! Ugh...
Anyways...here's a quick recap of the last year for me, because it's been a whirlwind of a year...plenty of trials, emotions, hormones, depression issues, happy times, learning moments, and blessings. But for me lately the hard times/trials REALLY out weigh the happy times.
SOOOO....last July...I went to an AMAZING week of Girls Camp with our ward Young Women...then we headed to Minnesota for our family vacation for 2 weeks. Which ended up being 3 weeks for the kids & I...it was SO hard to be away from Ryan. Kudos to those wives who do it on their own cuz I could NOT. Then came August...we were prepping and getting ready for Klous to start Kindergarten....oh the emotions that came along with that!!! I had some MAJOR anxiety and nerves about it...but they started lasting longer then I had expected them to...and while having other symptoms and thoughts...we decided I may as well pee on a pregnancy test. After FOUR pregnancy tests being POSITIVE...there was no denying that was part of my issue. Yes I had anxiety also...but morning sickness was adding to it too.
This was quite a shock to us...a happy one...but a big surprise. I had planned on starting Insanity the beginning of September...but after contemplating it...I didn't think it would be good to my body or my baby growing!! So I put it off and thought, I'll do that AFTER I have the baby...so that started my SLOW SLOW SLOW time of exercising and being healthy anymore. I was sick...I was tired...I was hormonal...I was exhausted...so I stopped doing things I should've still done. I did continue to go to Zumba which was a HUGE help and strength to me!!!
In September...well that was a challenging month. The depression and self worth and my abilities were REALLY questioned this month. I lost some weight with the pregnancy because of it. :( It's always a challenge to think happy thoughts or be positive about yourself when you get an "anonymous" letter in the mail stating what an AWFUL person you are and everything you've done wrong to people. It sucked...and I can't imagine how ANYONE could be so incredibly hurtful, rude, and unkind....and then NOT put their name to it. That sounds like a true coward to me...if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all. (That's what I was taught at least)...
So throughout September, October, and into November/December I really struggled with my thoughts and myself and those around me. Wondering what I really was thought of...how people felt...and what the point was in me being around. Not the greatest time of my life, that's for sure.
Come the beginning of the year, I had mostly overcome that stupid letter and realizing there was NO truth to it and that people really did still love me and care about me. But I still had the depressing thoughts...seasonal depression set in too...and the hormones of pregnancy were NO good to me. I shut down...I did a LOT of emotional eating...or didn't eat at all...I wouldn't go places, I didn't open my blinds or windows...I just didn't want to see anyone of talk to anyone. So then came time to go to the Dr for some help...AGAIN...everything added together was causing some pretty scary thoughts and scenarios...so Ryan convinced me it was best to get some help...I did it grudgingly!!!!
The next few months were ok...and the ending of my pregnancy. I was still going to Zumba and trying to stay happy. Through my entire pregnancy, I only gained 4 pounds...it was a mixture of still exercising AND the depression issues I think!?!?! Cause I've always gained 15-20 with my other 3...so!?!?!? Not the healthiest pregnancy...but I was still active and trying.
Then came April 8th...when we welcomed our BEAUTIFUL baby girl, Ayzlee Rebecca. She is definitely another princess in our family...and is LOVED and ADORED by her siblings and parents!!! Funny how things work out and how things fall into place after time. It was no coincidence that she was supposed to come when she did!!!
Here's Ayzlee with the proud brothers & sister!!!
Then come 3 months later....and I'm NOT real impressed or happy with myself...I've let myself go again...my chins have come back...my gut is bigger then when I got prego...and my clothes aren't fitting like I want.
Now that it's been an entire YEAR...I figured no better time then now to start again...cuz I NEED it.
I've been REALLY slacking the last few months...and yes as much as I can say, "I just had a baby"...it's been 3+ months now!! Ugh...
Anyways...here's a quick recap of the last year for me, because it's been a whirlwind of a year...plenty of trials, emotions, hormones, depression issues, happy times, learning moments, and blessings. But for me lately the hard times/trials REALLY out weigh the happy times.
SOOOO....last July...I went to an AMAZING week of Girls Camp with our ward Young Women...then we headed to Minnesota for our family vacation for 2 weeks. Which ended up being 3 weeks for the kids & I...it was SO hard to be away from Ryan. Kudos to those wives who do it on their own cuz I could NOT. Then came August...we were prepping and getting ready for Klous to start Kindergarten....oh the emotions that came along with that!!! I had some MAJOR anxiety and nerves about it...but they started lasting longer then I had expected them to...and while having other symptoms and thoughts...we decided I may as well pee on a pregnancy test. After FOUR pregnancy tests being POSITIVE...there was no denying that was part of my issue. Yes I had anxiety also...but morning sickness was adding to it too.
This was quite a shock to us...a happy one...but a big surprise. I had planned on starting Insanity the beginning of September...but after contemplating it...I didn't think it would be good to my body or my baby growing!! So I put it off and thought, I'll do that AFTER I have the baby...so that started my SLOW SLOW SLOW time of exercising and being healthy anymore. I was sick...I was tired...I was hormonal...I was exhausted...so I stopped doing things I should've still done. I did continue to go to Zumba which was a HUGE help and strength to me!!!
In September...well that was a challenging month. The depression and self worth and my abilities were REALLY questioned this month. I lost some weight with the pregnancy because of it. :( It's always a challenge to think happy thoughts or be positive about yourself when you get an "anonymous" letter in the mail stating what an AWFUL person you are and everything you've done wrong to people. It sucked...and I can't imagine how ANYONE could be so incredibly hurtful, rude, and unkind....and then NOT put their name to it. That sounds like a true coward to me...if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all. (That's what I was taught at least)...
So throughout September, October, and into November/December I really struggled with my thoughts and myself and those around me. Wondering what I really was thought of...how people felt...and what the point was in me being around. Not the greatest time of my life, that's for sure.
Come the beginning of the year, I had mostly overcome that stupid letter and realizing there was NO truth to it and that people really did still love me and care about me. But I still had the depressing thoughts...seasonal depression set in too...and the hormones of pregnancy were NO good to me. I shut down...I did a LOT of emotional eating...or didn't eat at all...I wouldn't go places, I didn't open my blinds or windows...I just didn't want to see anyone of talk to anyone. So then came time to go to the Dr for some help...AGAIN...everything added together was causing some pretty scary thoughts and scenarios...so Ryan convinced me it was best to get some help...I did it grudgingly!!!!
The next few months were ok...and the ending of my pregnancy. I was still going to Zumba and trying to stay happy. Through my entire pregnancy, I only gained 4 pounds...it was a mixture of still exercising AND the depression issues I think!?!?! Cause I've always gained 15-20 with my other 3...so!?!?!? Not the healthiest pregnancy...but I was still active and trying.
Then came April 8th...when we welcomed our BEAUTIFUL baby girl, Ayzlee Rebecca. She is definitely another princess in our family...and is LOVED and ADORED by her siblings and parents!!! Funny how things work out and how things fall into place after time. It was no coincidence that she was supposed to come when she did!!!
Here's Ayzlee with the proud brothers & sister!!!
Our beautiful princess herself!!! 
THIS is a picture I love!!! I felt SO skinny and happy with myself then...my tummy was flatter and didn't have a baby in it...and I felt comfortable again!!! (minus the after birth pains!!!)
Then come 3 months later....and I'm NOT real impressed or happy with myself...I've let myself go again...my chins have come back...my gut is bigger then when I got prego...and my clothes aren't fitting like I want.
Check out that NASTY gut on me...yuck...(and no that's not our baby...that's our niece!! Our baby is with us above!!!)
So here I sit...upset with where I'm at. Depressed and down about things happening in my life that I can't seem to get a handle on. Which then I give into emotional eating and JUNK food. My meals for the last 2 months have seriously consisted of...cold cereal, PB m&m's, cherry coke, an occasional wrap or deli meat sandwich, mac n' cheese, PB m&m's, cherry coke, PB m&m's, apple juice, PB m&m's...it's AWFUL...I haven't even stood on the scale since right after having Ayzlee BECAUSE I'm worried about what the number will say. YUCK...When I had her and came home...I stood on it and was at 164 I think...which I only got up to 191 when I was prego...SO...I was very happy with that number. BUT now here I sit...well over what I want to be at I'm sure...and grossed out by myself...sick of feeling like CRAP...tired of being tired...and sick of being depressed and negative about everything. I know medicine can help...but I also know...through personal experience...that exercise and being healthy can help too....
SO....it's time to step up...time to start...time to do better...and time to start fresh...no better time then the present right!!! So here's to a new day...a new week...a new start. Slim in 6 here I come...better food choices, here I come...and eventually I WILL work up to doing Insanity!!! I WILL do it...wish me luck!!!
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