Change of plans...or mind set...

So after I blogged and had all the WOO HOO of starting and doing it and changing...UGH...life happened. I set myself with SO many things to fix or change or do, that I didn't know where to really start.

The day after I posted that, I visited with an incredible example & friend to me, Susan...she helped me talk through things, really put things into perspective like I wanted, and get me thinking in a way that I hadn't considered. Right now I have a lot on my "plate"...a LOT of Becki that I need to get figured out, balanced, and taken care of. And maybe, JUST maybe, my physical looks, size, weight, ALL that...maybe that isn't what's most important right now. Until I have a clear head/mind...the desire or ambition to do the physical changes won't be there. I've tried and failed TOO many times...so ya. I had an eye opening thought process...that I can handle doing little changes...choices throughout the day that would be better, but not a COMPLETE change right now. And I'm ok with that...it took a time to get where I am now...and I KNOW it's going to take a LOT of time to get to where I want to be. So I need to work on patience with myself...wish me luck!!

Well...that was a Wednesday night...that weekend Ryan & I got to go to a marriage retreat...a marriage REcharge!!! It was fabulous...I needed to be recharged!! Whew!!! The information that was taught, the people who presented, the time that was put in, the spirit that was there...WOW WOW WOW...I don't know what else to say. It was JUST what I needed and just what would lift me up. In that weekend, I was able to meet Becky Mackintosh. WOW...she is a powerhouse...as is her husband. She said some things, and then talked with Ryan & I after, and it just hit me. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to make crazy/elaborate changes right now, I need to focus on ME, on MY faith, on MY relationship with my Heavenly Father...I need to be healthy in my spiritual stuff, and THAT'S what really matters right now.

Everything in life is connected...physical, emotional, spiritual, mental...it's all tied together...and lately I've realized just HOW important our spiritual health is. The knowledge that I have of a Heavenly Father...that I AM His daughter, that HE loves me...NO MATTER WHAT. I need to really KNOW that...I need to remember and KNOW that I am worth more then the number on the scale...the size of my pants...any of that. YES being healthy is important, and I'll get there...but right now, when I'm struggling and SO low on myself and my self esteem...I NEED to refocus and pray for help and strength to truly KNOW WHO I AM.

This thought is another topic ^^^^^^^^^^^, I've had with Susan.

She has done so much to remind me that I AM enough...I DO enough...and sometimes it just doesn't stick. BUT I'm getting there. I'm grateful for the people in my life right now, because they truly, TRULY are my rocks...they help me when I need it most. They lift me when I'm down...they remind me of my eternal purpose and my Heavenly Father, and His unending love for ME. Not because I did something...but simply because I am ME, and am HIS daughter. What a blessing that is to know...and I am praying daily for help to truly KNOW this...because we all need to realize our worth.

Here are a couple awesome thoughts from President Uchtdorf...they've stuck out to me a lot in the last couple months.

So for now this is my plan...working on ME. Working on knowing my worth and the love people have for me, as well as loving myself. If I don't truly love myself, how then can I truly know what it is to love others!?!?!

Back at it.....ugh...AGAIN...

Well.....Where do I begin...

 

I don't know...I'm just so, SOO incredibly frustrated with myself. It's now November 2014 and I'm no better off then I was in January 2014 when I last posted anything...in fact I'm worse I think. Physically at least...I can say though that I've only gained 7 lbs since January, which ISN'T cool, but it could be a lot worse. So now I have 80 lbs to get to where I was when I had this sweet baby girl 18 months ago...

 

She has really brought SO much joy and happiness to our family, but I'm so disgusted with how I've let myself go...I can't handle seeing pictures of me, looking in the mirror, being in a swimsuit, "dressing" up for anything...I'm just grossed out. I know that my worth is NOT based on my weight or the number on the scale or the size of my clothes...but I KNOW that I can be better...I KNOW that I can do better...and the fact that I've let myself go for TOO long, I'm just upset. :(

 

The clothes I have hardly fit...even my "bigger" clothes from when I lost weight before...they're getting too small and I'm just uncomfortable. I'm at a loss as to where to even begin. It all seems TOO overwhelming, I make TOO many excuses, I have ZERO motivation or determination because I feel like I'll just fail. What is wrong with me? I know it didn't happen overnight to PUT this weight on, so I KNOW it's going to take time AND effort to get it off again. I'm just angry with myself. UGH...

 

Here are some pictures of ME over the last 5 months...and I don't have many others...and if I do, they're ONLY head shots. I can't handle seeing full body shots of myself. It's just BAD...

June 2014



July 2014

Sept. 2014

 

Oct 2014

Sometimes I FEEL cute in pictures...like the two above...but even still...I have to sit just right so my double chin isn't showing or anything like that. Even my cheeks and face...ugh...:( Just makes me sad...

BUT...the thing that makes me the MOST upset I think...besides the way I look or feel...the fact that I CAN'T, I CAN'T wear my wedding ring. :( My fingers have gotten too fat...you can still see the indention on my ring finger where it SHOULD be, (because I wore it for SO long with it being so tight), but I can't even get it on now. It's pathetic...and it breaks my heart...

TONIGHT

 

So here I go...where do I start?? What do I do?? Baby steps right...I KNOW I can't do things cold turkey...I can't, that just sets me up to fail. It's ALL in moderation...and I HAVE to make changes.

Anyone have suggestions?? Advice?? Wanna help me?? Wanna join me??

I went to Zumba tonight...for the first time in a LOOOOOOOOONG time. I thought I was going to die. But my wonderful, encouraging, loving instructor Shelly is doing a "12 weeks to New Years", see it HERE and I've gotta get on that too. I love that it's ONE thing a week to improve on, so by the time the new year comes, we'll already be on our way to changing!!!

Anyways...I'm going to be posting and blogging and starting this all again. I need to...I NEED to do something, and this is a way for me to be held accountable. Thanks to all who LOVE me for who I am, regardless of my faults...I'm up for anyone that REALLY wants to join me in this...cuz this is for REAL for me...it's gotta happen...