The Light DOES come...after all the dust clears

 

Well it's been an interesting, overwhelming, thought provoking, blessing filled week for Becki Jones...funny how things work out to all make more sense after quite a bit of time.
Last week I was encouraged at my counseling appointment to write my feelings down, everything that was inside me and how I was feeling. WOW...what an experience that was...I didn't think it would be much, but once I started writing it all just came pouring out. It was cool...
I've gone back and forth on what to do with this...yes I've taken other steps and done more with it personally, and I can tell you that the blessings that have come to me are incredible. It's what I've been waiting for, for a LONG time...so what a huge relief, blessing, and a great sense of peace to come over me. All along though, I've felt that I should post it, so that's what I'm doing...Ryan thinks that maybe it's something that can help others at some point...and it has truly been a HUGE help and relief for me...so here it is~~~~~~



All of these things have been pretty major issues for me since receiving an anonymous letter in the mail. My anger, self doubt, self worth is LOW, constantly wondering what everyone around me might be thinking about me. I can’t face people or things I need to because of what I feel like inside. I’ve hid in my house, in my comfort zone, in my bubble for almost 18 months now, and I’m sick of hurting. My thoughts and beliefs of myself are lower then any other time in my life. The anger inside that I suffer from and the anxiety I feel when I have to face my neighbors and members of my ward. It’s not easy. I can’t listen to or see certain people talk, write, smile, or be happy at all, because I am hurting & suffering SO much inside, so WHY is it fair that they are  or can be so happy??? It’s NOT fair and what did I do to deserve this much pain and hurt?? I’ve suffered and lost almost 18 months of my life due to all of the affects of YOUR words and that letter.

When you wrote what you did, did you honestly look at the accusations, the cruelty, the blame, and the innocent people you listed, and feel that it was REALLY worth the PAIN, AGONY, TEARS, and endless HURT it would cause me?? Did you put yourself in MY shoes and consider how it would feel to receive something SO dishonest, SO unkind, SO painful?? And then to claim and say it was written out of LOVE??? What kind of love is that? Is that the same kind of love you show to your family and loved ones, to your true/closest friends?? There was NO love in any word or part of that letter, NO care or concern how much this would truly affect me. So what gave you the right to do it AND then not even put your name on it? If it was out of love, concern, and kindness, why not claim that and ADMIT that you did it??

I haven’t been able to be the wife, mother, friend, sister, Young Women’s leader, or any other responsibility I may have, to the BEST of my ability since I opened that letter. My mind, thoughts, love of myself, confidence, and many other things were completely shaken and turned upside down. As if I didn’t already struggle with depression, then to receive that, find out I’m pregnant, AND try to process it all and put all the pieces back together?? I couldn’t do it...and I still can’t, after all this time. I don’t know if it’s had a lasting affect on you, but it has had a major one on me AND my husband. More then I can explain, express, or share. It has not been easy by any means. My faith, testimony, and beliefs have wavered. I’m not one to be offended or scared away very easily, but this came from no where and completely knocked my feet out from under me.

We never truly know how our words or actions will affect another person, but I can honestly say that I, to this day, am VERY cautious now about who I let into my life, into my family, into my home, and into my heart because this has shown me that you never know how betrayed and hurt you can be by ONE person.

I can honestly say that I know that I am now on the path and taking the proper steps needed for Becki to get to a better place. No matter the numbers of professionals it takes, along with the incredible atonement of our Savior, I know I can heal and move forward. I’m sorry you felt the need to do this to me, but I won’t let it hold me back any longer, I deserve to be happy again. I AM worth that, and I DESERVE it.

 

 

So there you have it...a LOT of pent up feelings that have been stored away for too long. Through this entire process, I have had the incredible blessing and opportunity to TRULY see, feel, and know just how much MY Savior, Jesus Christ, has done for ME. The pains, feelings, burdens have been lifted. Sure I still remember, and will still be cautious and careful about who I really open up to, but now I know also that I have the power to decide how I will act and react. I don't have to give that power to anyone else...it is MINE and I deserve to be who I am and be happy, because that is the REAL Becki. It's still a work in progress...I'm still on the journey...and I still have a lot to learn/process. BUT...I am in a different place then I was a year ago, a month ago, a week ago...it has been totally worth it. And I will NOT quit...I'm ready for the blessings and happiness to come!! 

 

 

 

Realizations coming from my EARLIER years...hmmmm...

Well as I write this...I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind the last couple weeks. It's been a tough couple weeks...and I've been through an emotional whirlwind...but I'm coming out on top. But I wanted to talk/write about things that I thought about over the weekend.

As we were doing "Saturday chores" I was doing stuff and witnessing the actions of my kids as I usually do...and I realized that I am a LOT harder on my boys at times then I am Aysha. Yes...she gets on my nerves, and she bugs her brothers, and she wants to be involved and included but isn't. So I know it's hard for her. So that got me thinking, reflecting, and realizing all the pains/struggles/raw emotions I STILL have from growing up. Dumb huh!?!?!?

It got me thinking, and I say it to my kids a LOT, about how mean it is to treat your sister that way. There are a LOT more boys in our neighborhood and Aysha gets left out a lot...she wants to be included but is usually ignored or left out or just involved because she HAS to be. It's frustrating to watch...but I think I'm realizing that it's more frustrating to me BECAUSE that was me growing up. I struggled with that from the time I was 10-18...it was rough. Yes some times were better then others...but a good majority of it was not easy. Growing up between 2 boys was interesting...yes I learned a lot from my brothers, and no I'm not always "lady-like" like I should be, BUT I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love my brothers...don't get me wrong...but those years are awkward and hard anyways...so throw something else into it and they're even harder. So as I watch and see how Aysha is treated, excluded, and sad...it brings back a LOT for me.

I wasn't the "popular" girl in school, I didn't hang out a lot outside of home, I didn't have really GOOD friends until probably my junior/senior year, my brothers tag-teamed me and weren't very nice, and my sisters were grown up and moved away so I didn't feel like I had anyone. I cried a LOT...just ask my brothers...my Dad would just have to look at me and the tears would come...I was embarrassed a lot...I am realizing now that I didn't/don't have as high of self confidence as I thought I did. I really don't like myself most of the time...and I am realizing through stuff lately...that it stems back to my growing up years. Crazy huh!?!?! I always thought I was strong, I was happy, I was ok with who I was...but now at 30 years old...I'm realizing that's not the case. WOW huh!!!

So let me share some more...my brothers were always in sports or in groups or on teams...I wasn't. I was always known as "Klous' little sister" or "Andy's sister" or "Danny's older sister" or many other things I can't remember or choose not to remember!! :) I was told a lot that I was a baby...that I wasn't cute/pretty...that I was fat or not skinny like so and so...that I'm just the "janitor" on the ship instead of the "captain, lieutenant, or anything higher"...(which this one we STILL joke about and I'm totally fine with...I think???) But as I went and saw a mental health specialist a couple months ago...he had me bring up things from my childhood, and I opened up and realized JUST how much those things really did have an effect on how I look at myself.

It was hard...when was I going to be known as BECKI!?!??! When would people know me or recognize me for ME and not just a sister to my brothers!?!?! So when I see Klous or Kyson not including Aysha...it hurts me too. When the boys team up and no one wants to include Aysha...it's sad to me. Yes she's sad too...but I think it hurts me more because I haven't completely dealt with MY issues. I don't want her to feel like this when she's grown up...I want her to be confident, I want her to be happy, I want her to LOVE herself, and I want others to know Aysha for all that AYSHA does...not other people!!!

 



Now please don't get me wrong...I LOVE my brothers to pieces...I love ALL my siblings...my brothers have (for the most part) apologized for how they treated me, what they said, and how it may have hurt. The day that happened, it truly meant the world to me...for them to realize that he realized that it really wasn't nice. I appreciated that more then he knows I think!! I am closer to my brothers now then I ever have been...and it's really hard at times that they're in Minnesota with their families and I'm in Utah...and I'm grateful for the brothers that I have.

I just thought I needed to share this and get it down...because it helps us all to look back and realize just HOW FAR back things can affect us. Never would I have thought that, when I was 12, I would still be effected by things that were said to me...I thought my skin was thicker then that, but I was wrong. I know I am trying to do better to help my kids realize how we should treat others and not just say things, they do hurt, and the can have lasting effects on them.

Emotions...

Well it's been awhile since I wrote on here...and man has it been interesting lately!!!

So Ryan & I started this challenge group thing...and last week we did GREAT!!! Well, for the most part...we followed our meal plans, exercised daily, and did better at getting more rest (minus Ayzlee being sick and not really sleeping)...ugh!! Anyways...we were doing it and then I hit a rut...an EMOTIONAL rut. Beating myself up, wanting to quit, not seeing any results that I thought was good enough...so I had had it...I wanted to just be done. Yet again something that I FAILED at right!?!?! Well Friday morning came and our "coach" Eric encouraged us to weigh in Friday and then again Monday to show us just what a weekend can do...so I weighed in Friday...and I was DOWN 5+ lbs...I was shocked!!! It really WAS working...and I WAS succeeding!!! Wow...just when I think I'm failing, I realize I'm not!!!

That gave me energy...that gave me motivation...that gave me a desire to keep going. I weighed in again on Monday morning and I had maintained all weekend...and that was with a crazy schedule, going out to eat, treating myself to a treat...and LIVING!!! It was great!!!

Well then came Monday morning...some know, some don't...BUT I'm doing therapy stuff and trying to get to the roots of my issues, thoughts, self worth feelings, and all of that...it's TOUGH. So while talking things out Monday...a LOT came out, and he got a LOT closer to the true roots of my problems...I cried and cried and CRIED. It was very emotional for me...it was WAY more then I wanted to deal with and go through...again. I've had to talk about things that I've pushed aside and buried for a LONG time...and I didn't want to dig it up, even though I knew it would most likely help me.

Anyways...I did it...and the last few days have been pretty tough for me...which means I'm turning to OLD habits instead of taking the good habits and putting them to use. I want to hide in my house...I want to eat junk...I want to not eat at all...I want to sleep...I want to be alone...I just don't want to deal with ANYTHING. I want this to go away, but I guess deep down I don't want to DO what I need to do. Just take it away...it sucks and I don't like it anymore. Ugh...:(

 

 I'm trying to get back on track...but I've been in such a LOW spot that I can't seem to crawl far enough out. It's ridiculous...I'll get there...but it'll take time...one day at a time...

 



I have a LOT on my mind...I have a LOT to get through...and I have a LOT to let go of. It probably won't be easy...ok...I know it won't be easy...but I can do it...I can get through it...with time. I need to realize and remember the things that pull me OUT of these funks...I need to realize how much joy and satisfaction I DO get from exercise...how much joy I feel when I stand on the scale and see numbers going down...I want to be there again...I want to be upset, mad, and frustrated and KNOW that I can go work it off...instead of eat it up. You know!?!?! Someday...hopefully right!?!?!

 



One last thought...I saw this and thought it fit for me VERY well right now...(minus the part about sticking up your middle finger, cuz I don't do that)...but the rest of it TRULY fits all that I'm feeling and holding on to. When I can get to the point again of not worrying about what others think...not comparing myself to everyone else...not thinking that I'll NEVER be good enough until...fill in the blank...I can start to love myself. That's something I haven't had in a LONG time too. And if I don't love myself, then I feel WHY would anyone else love me?? WHY!?!?!

That's a lot of thought for tonight...I've got a LOT on my mind and could just keep going...but I need to process things first I think. So to each of you who read this...thank you for loving Becki for Becki...thank you for being my friend or in my support group...thank you for accepting me despite my faults...thank you for being there. It all means more then you know!!! Here's to a better day tomorrow...and staying on track again!!! :)

I want...I want...I want...

Alright...it's been a few days again. It's been busy around here...we got new windows/doors the last couple days and I've been trying to balance everything. Also with life, work, kids, sleep, naps, food, and reality...we're trying to figure out this eating better/exercise schedule for us. We need to get it in each day...so we've gotta make it a priority!!!

 

Well we've been following some recipes/guidelines for meals through the "Live the Life" plan...the recipes are pretty easy and delicious!!! They are kind of low on calories, and we've had to figure out what we're lacking, what more we need, and how to deal with the headaches and such that come from making changes!!! I've been on pop for FOUR days now...and I've had a pretty nasty headache for the last 3 days...I don't know if it's just the pop...or not enough water...or not enough calories...or not enough sleep...or ALL of the above!?!?! I don't know...but I keep pushing through it. I have to!!! I've got to show myself I can succeed and do this again!!!

 

There are a few of the recipes that Ryan and I are really proud of and enjoying!!! This is one meal we made for dinner one night...it's a BBQ Chicken wrap and Apple Crunch Chicken salad...they were both SOO good!!!

 

 

 

So we're slowly figuring things out...but it sure takes time. We've been going to the Rec centers and trying to get something in. Monday night we met Ryan's sister Shauna there and we walked/ran/rode bikes and whatever we felt inclined to do. It was good. Tuesday night I went to Zumba...WOW...I am SO out of shape. I was DYING after the 3rd song. I can't believe how quickly you lose the energy, stamina, ability to KEEP GOING!!! I wanted to quit and leave, but I knew I'd be upset with myself. So I pushed through that also and finished!!! It was SO great being back, seeing friends and my Zumba family that I have truly missed!!! I'm so grateful for each of them and their love!!!

 

Now I'm having a tough time...I know what I want...but I still get discouraged...I feel like I'm failing. I really need to forgive myself and realize it IS ok to eat a treat and it won't ruin everything I'm doing. I know I can't live without treats, sugar, pop for the rest of my life...that is just setting me up to fail...BUT I also know that I need to limit it and take moderation into consideration with EACH and EVERY choice!!! This next picture shows me EXACTLY what I want...I want that body back...I want that smile back...I want to feel and be healthier. I KNOW I can do it...but it won't be easy. It takes a LOT of work...it takes a LOT of determination...it takes a LOT of self control...and I CAN do this...I've done it before, why is this time any different!?!?! I WILL get that Becki back...I deserve it!!!

 

Little steps = BIG aches sometimes...

So yesterday Ryan's sister Shauna asked us if we'd be up for joining them at the Provo Rec center to play in the water or something. The boys wanted to play basketball for awhile and then go swimming in the water park. I really did want to go and hang out with the family...BUT I did NOT want to go swimming. As I said yesterday...NONE of my clothes fit, I don't like myself in anything, and I was NOT going to put on a swimsuit...so I decided that I'd push Ayzlee in the stroller and we'd walk the track or something.
And that's what we did...we walked...and walked...and walked some more until I needed some drinks and to stretch. Yes...one of these days I'll REALLY learn that I need to stretch BEFORE too. So we'd walk some laps and then stop for a drink...then I walked a couple more laps and decided I wanted to try something else. So I go on one of the bikes...I couldn't believe how incredibly exhausted I was. In all I did 9-10 laps around the track...(I don't know if it's 5 or 6 laps that make a mile there???) and then I did 7 minutes on the bike. I was DYING...my legs were shaking...heart was pounding...body was aching...and I was SO out of breath. Unbelievable...but I did it!!! AND it felt good...the pain felt good!!! The aches and sweat and pounding heart felt good!!!
So then comes today...my body was pretty tired and sore today...we cleaned up and got the holiday stuff put away...hung out as a family...and then decided to go to the rec center again...this time I DID go swimming with the kids...it was hard not to when my sweet Klous comes up to me and tells me, "Mom, it's ok because you're going to start exercising and eating better, so then you'll want to swim more." It was cute!!!

So now comes my honesty and venting...I had a BIG reality hit me today, and I can't seem to get over it. I know it's in the past...and I know I'm moving forward, but it just makes me sick to realize HOW far I've let myself go. When I was pregnant with Ayzlee, for those 9 months, I gained a WHOPPING 4 pounds...yes only 4 pounds. After she was born I was smaller, skinnier, and liked my body more then I had in a LONG time...and I dropped a lot more then that 4 lbs. Well here I am...Ayzlee will be 9 months NEXT week...and when I stood on the scale this morning, to prepare for a challenge we're starting Monday, I realized I have gained 75 pounds...yes, SEVENTY-FIVE pounds. DISGUSTING...I've been just disgusted all day...WHY?? HOW?? WHAT was I thinking!?!?! UGH....this is how I felt when I stood on it...and reality hit...



Anyways...here I am...preparing and getting ready a challenge starting Monday. It's a challenge to lose 4% of my body weight in 30 days...that's doable right!?!?! RIGHT??? I can do this...WE can do this...Ryan & I are doing this together and trying to recruit more family to join us!!! It's a GREAT jump start and kick-off. I'm also going to start going back to Zumba...I miss it. I miss the people/friends/family I've got there. I miss the endorphins it helped me burn. I miss the joy it brought me...so I will be back this week. Exhausted as ALL get out, but I'll be there!!!

Gonna Try This Again....

Well...the last time I posted or said anything on here was in JULY...now it is January 2014...and NOTHING has changed in my style of living. I'm continually gaining weight, getting more and more hard on myself, more depressed, more ornery & grumpy with my family...it's just not good. I've been thinking/wanting to DO something and make changes for a while now...but I honestly could not get my mind to tell my body to actually DO it. So it's been a LOT of ups and downs for the last few months...

I saw this picture tonight...and I thought it fit me very well. I KNOW I am the reason I'm how I am...I know I can change because it's been done before...I just need to DO it. Doesn't matter what size I am or where I'm at...I've just gotta take a step in the RIGHT direction each day...with each step and each day, things WILL improve.



 





 

 

So...Ryan and I are in this together this time...we're both really feeling that we need to get healthy and be doing better. If we don't start changing and making better choices, our kids will follow in our footsteps, and that's NOT what we want for them. I want to be an active, fun, HAPPY mom...and at this point in my life right now I am NOT there...so things need to change. All I do is beat myself up constantly, HATE looking at myself in any reflection or mirror, I don't like getting dressed or going places because NOTHING fits or looks good on me (or so I think/see)...it's just tough. And THIS quote hit sooo...close to home for me. The internal pain, thoughts, self-worth, and depression I'm struggling with CAN be overcome and fixed...when I do what I know I need to be doing.

So here I sit on Friday night, ALL of my family sound asleep around me...and I have lots of thoughts going through my head. In January of 2012 I sat in a similar place with similar thoughts in my head, and I wanted to start something and MAKE the change for me and to jump in full force. At this point I am getting myself to look back on what I accomplished THEN, and to convince myself that I CAN and WILL do this. Yes, it'll take time....Yes, it'll take work...Yes, it'll cause sweat an tears...Yes, I'll probably want to give up and quit...BUT I will succeed and I WILL achieve what I want to do. It won't happen overnight...and I'll have to continually remind myself of that, it won't be easy...but I CAN do it...putting one foot in front of the other!!! Trying to NOT focus on the BIG picture, but instead realizing all that I can accomplish, improve on, change, and DO one day at a time!!!

 

 

Wish me luck...join me on this journey if you'd like...keep in touch with what I'm doing...because I NEED this all back in my life again...it's been FAR too long...and I've shed FAR too many tears over all my unhappiness. Plenty of reasons I'm wanting to do this and start it again...but I think the BIGGEST reason is because I want to be able to have a REAL smile on my face and that look in my eyes, that when I look in the mirror I'm not disgusted and angry...but instead happy with what I see, where I am, and WHO I am continually becoming...I'll get there!!!