So Ryan & I started this challenge group thing...and last week we did GREAT!!! Well, for the most part...we followed our meal plans, exercised daily, and did better at getting more rest (minus Ayzlee being sick and not really sleeping)...ugh!! Anyways...we were doing it and then I hit a rut...an EMOTIONAL rut. Beating myself up, wanting to quit, not seeing any results that I thought was good enough...so I had had it...I wanted to just be done. Yet again something that I FAILED at right!?!?! Well Friday morning came and our "coach" Eric encouraged us to weigh in Friday and then again Monday to show us just what a weekend can do...so I weighed in Friday...and I was DOWN 5+ lbs...I was shocked!!! It really WAS working...and I WAS succeeding!!! Wow...just when I think I'm failing, I realize I'm not!!!
That gave me energy...that gave me motivation...that gave me a desire to keep going. I weighed in again on Monday morning and I had maintained all weekend...and that was with a crazy schedule, going out to eat, treating myself to a treat...and LIVING!!! It was great!!!
Well then came Monday morning...some know, some don't...BUT I'm doing therapy stuff and trying to get to the roots of my issues, thoughts, self worth feelings, and all of that...it's TOUGH. So while talking things out Monday...a LOT came out, and he got a LOT closer to the true roots of my problems...I cried and cried and CRIED. It was very emotional for me...it was WAY more then I wanted to deal with and go through...again. I've had to talk about things that I've pushed aside and buried for a LONG time...and I didn't want to dig it up, even though I knew it would most likely help me.
Anyways...I did it...and the last few days have been pretty tough for me...which means I'm turning to OLD habits instead of taking the good habits and putting them to use. I want to hide in my house...I want to eat junk...I want to not eat at all...I want to sleep...I want to be alone...I just don't want to deal with ANYTHING. I want this to go away, but I guess deep down I don't want to DO what I need to do. Just take it away...it sucks and I don't like it anymore. Ugh...:(
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I'm trying to get back on track...but I've been in such a LOW spot that I can't seem to crawl far enough out. It's ridiculous...I'll get there...but it'll take time...one day at a time...
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I have a LOT on my mind...I have a LOT to get through...and I have a LOT to let go of. It probably won't be easy...ok...I know it won't be easy...but I can do it...I can get through it...with time. I need to realize and remember the things that pull me OUT of these funks...I need to realize how much joy and satisfaction I DO get from exercise...how much joy I feel when I stand on the scale and see numbers going down...I want to be there again...I want to be upset, mad, and frustrated and KNOW that I can go work it off...instead of eat it up. You know!?!?! Someday...hopefully right!?!?!
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One last thought...I saw this and thought it fit for me VERY well right now...(minus the part about sticking up your middle finger, cuz I don't do that)...but the rest of it TRULY fits all that I'm feeling and holding on to. When I can get to the point again of not worrying about what others think...not comparing myself to everyone else...not thinking that I'll NEVER be good enough until...fill in the blank...I can start to love myself. That's something I haven't had in a LONG time too. And if I don't love myself, then I feel WHY would anyone else love me?? WHY!?!?!
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That's a lot of thought for tonight...I've got a LOT on my mind and could just keep going...but I need to process things first I think. So to each of you who read this...thank you for loving Becki for Becki...thank you for being my friend or in my support group...thank you for accepting me despite my faults...thank you for being there. It all means more then you know!!! Here's to a better day tomorrow...and staying on track again!!! :)
6 comments:
You are going down your own path, it is yours and not anyone else's. It is unique to you,your own personal peaks and valleys. Embrace them. Learn form them. You are going to be just fine and live an amazing life, just has you have been doing this whole time. Keep it up.
Love, LOVE, LoVE YOU!!! Keep going Becki! You CAN and WILL do hard things!! Were all in this together! Don't give up!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS!! Keep going Becki! We are all in this together! Know you are not alone and know you have a Heavenly Father who knows you, knows what you want and is there every step of the way. Believe it will get better. Love you tons!!
Love you, Becki! Thanks for sharing some of your emotions....I know exactly what it's like to go through therapy - so hard - but SO worth it. Work through things at your own pace. You can do it! <3
Sweet Becki! You are amazingly strong, and I am so very proud of you! I love you more than you will ever know, and you are an inspiration to me. I am blessed to call you my sister, but more than that to call you my friend! Thanks for being YOU!
Just want you to know that I think you are a wonderful person. I know it's not easy, it never is, but hang in there. You have a wonderful husband and cute kids and you are special. Love you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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