Realizations coming from my EARLIER years...hmmmm...

Well as I write this...I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind the last couple weeks. It's been a tough couple weeks...and I've been through an emotional whirlwind...but I'm coming out on top. But I wanted to talk/write about things that I thought about over the weekend.

As we were doing "Saturday chores" I was doing stuff and witnessing the actions of my kids as I usually do...and I realized that I am a LOT harder on my boys at times then I am Aysha. Yes...she gets on my nerves, and she bugs her brothers, and she wants to be involved and included but isn't. So I know it's hard for her. So that got me thinking, reflecting, and realizing all the pains/struggles/raw emotions I STILL have from growing up. Dumb huh!?!?!?

It got me thinking, and I say it to my kids a LOT, about how mean it is to treat your sister that way. There are a LOT more boys in our neighborhood and Aysha gets left out a lot...she wants to be included but is usually ignored or left out or just involved because she HAS to be. It's frustrating to watch...but I think I'm realizing that it's more frustrating to me BECAUSE that was me growing up. I struggled with that from the time I was 10-18...it was rough. Yes some times were better then others...but a good majority of it was not easy. Growing up between 2 boys was interesting...yes I learned a lot from my brothers, and no I'm not always "lady-like" like I should be, BUT I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love my brothers...don't get me wrong...but those years are awkward and hard anyways...so throw something else into it and they're even harder. So as I watch and see how Aysha is treated, excluded, and sad...it brings back a LOT for me.

I wasn't the "popular" girl in school, I didn't hang out a lot outside of home, I didn't have really GOOD friends until probably my junior/senior year, my brothers tag-teamed me and weren't very nice, and my sisters were grown up and moved away so I didn't feel like I had anyone. I cried a LOT...just ask my brothers...my Dad would just have to look at me and the tears would come...I was embarrassed a lot...I am realizing now that I didn't/don't have as high of self confidence as I thought I did. I really don't like myself most of the time...and I am realizing through stuff lately...that it stems back to my growing up years. Crazy huh!?!?! I always thought I was strong, I was happy, I was ok with who I was...but now at 30 years old...I'm realizing that's not the case. WOW huh!!!

So let me share some more...my brothers were always in sports or in groups or on teams...I wasn't. I was always known as "Klous' little sister" or "Andy's sister" or "Danny's older sister" or many other things I can't remember or choose not to remember!! :) I was told a lot that I was a baby...that I wasn't cute/pretty...that I was fat or not skinny like so and so...that I'm just the "janitor" on the ship instead of the "captain, lieutenant, or anything higher"...(which this one we STILL joke about and I'm totally fine with...I think???) But as I went and saw a mental health specialist a couple months ago...he had me bring up things from my childhood, and I opened up and realized JUST how much those things really did have an effect on how I look at myself.

It was hard...when was I going to be known as BECKI!?!??! When would people know me or recognize me for ME and not just a sister to my brothers!?!?! So when I see Klous or Kyson not including Aysha...it hurts me too. When the boys team up and no one wants to include Aysha...it's sad to me. Yes she's sad too...but I think it hurts me more because I haven't completely dealt with MY issues. I don't want her to feel like this when she's grown up...I want her to be confident, I want her to be happy, I want her to LOVE herself, and I want others to know Aysha for all that AYSHA does...not other people!!!

 



Now please don't get me wrong...I LOVE my brothers to pieces...I love ALL my siblings...my brothers have (for the most part) apologized for how they treated me, what they said, and how it may have hurt. The day that happened, it truly meant the world to me...for them to realize that he realized that it really wasn't nice. I appreciated that more then he knows I think!! I am closer to my brothers now then I ever have been...and it's really hard at times that they're in Minnesota with their families and I'm in Utah...and I'm grateful for the brothers that I have.

I just thought I needed to share this and get it down...because it helps us all to look back and realize just HOW FAR back things can affect us. Never would I have thought that, when I was 12, I would still be effected by things that were said to me...I thought my skin was thicker then that, but I was wrong. I know I am trying to do better to help my kids realize how we should treat others and not just say things, they do hurt, and the can have lasting effects on them.