Blog YOUR heart...

Well I've debated about doing this for about a week now...and wondered if it would really be worth it...or if it would just upset people or whatever...but you know what...this is MY blog...and MY post...and MY thoughts...and MY heart...so I will blog about it!!! :) I found it on a friends BLOG and thought it was interesting and great how open she was and how great it must feel to get your REAL feelings out there...and then I checked out the original link/blog HERE about what this "blog your heart" was all about...it hit me...I CAN do this...and it'll probably help me feel better!!! SO...before you read ALL of this post...you might wanna check out the original blog about this to get the "rules"...mostly the NO JUDGING one!!! ;) 
I debated about putting it on this blog...or my family one...but lets be honest...I don't post on that one much anymore...it's quite sad....so...it's going on here!!!


So here goes...here's my thoughts...


1. My kids...I really DO love them to pieces...but MAN...some days are SO hard. :( The last couple weeks have been LOTS of those days...it's so hard. The constant whining, complaining, dirty looks, talking back, crying, fighting, arguing, NOT LISTENING, doing the complete opposite of what I've asked them to do...it's SO frustrating. And they're only 5, 3, and 2...WHAT will I do when they're teenagers!?!?! YIKES!?!?! I'm just so tired of being grumpy all the time...or yelling all the time...or having to punish and make them cry more because of their original choice/action. WHY is it so hard!?!?! My goodness...and then to hear that they're SO good and great helpers for other people...why not for their MOM!?!!? Was I like this!?!? Did I do this when I was little!?!!?! If so I'm SORRY mom...Ugh...it's just hard. Mommy-hood is HARD...and I'm ready for the days when it's a little bit easier!?!?! Do those ever come!?!?!?


2. My hubby...he's amazing...but I sure treat him like garbage sometimes :(. He's my bestest friend and I love him to death...but he gets the brunt of EVERYTHING...and it's not fair to him. Why does he put up with me?? Why do I continue treating him like that?? Why why why!?!? Why can't I just show him that I love him and continue to show him and treat him like that?? 


3. Money...YUCK...I hate money. Can't live with it and can't live without it. I know we are blessed...and honestly in no way are we "poor"...but when does the struggling stop!?!?! When can I just feel content in where we are and be happy about it?? When can I go to the grocery store or Wal-Mart and be able to get EVERYTHING we need without having to worry about being broke for the next two weeks!?!?! When will the BIG light-bulb turn on for us...or me...that I'll be able to figure out what we can do to BETTER our situation...or better yet...have faith that things will be OK!?!?! We're not starving...we're not naked...we're not cold and homeless...WHY is that not enough for me!?!?!?!


4. Depression...DOUBLE YUCK!!! I have been doing SO good for so long now without signs of this...and all of a sudden since the beginning of May...I feel like a ton of bricks have been set back on me and I just keep going deeper and deeper. I continue to exercise and be outside cuz that makes me HAPPY...I NEED the sunshine and fresh air to feel happiness...but it's just not enough. Little things are just irritating...problems seem SO big when really they're not...I'm snapping at things that really don't matter. When will it go away...when can I just get up in the mornings and just be ok and happy!?!?! Why does depression have to linger and hang out...I don't like it...so GO AWAY!!!


5. Comparing myself to others...I try SO hard to not do this...I try to look at ALL I'm blessed with and appreciate it. I look at others and their issues or problems...and yes it makes me grateful for what I do have...BUT...it also makes me want to FIX things for others. I know that I'm not the happiest all the time or lately...but I still want to do ALL I can do make others happy and appreciate what they have and who they are!!! I can't do it all...I don't have it all...everyone else seems to be doing things SO much better then me...and I just need to stop. But how!?!??!


6. Family...HA...that's something isn't it...family!!! My family back home in Minnesota or here in Utah...Ryan's family here in Utah...family members that are on their last leg of life and not knowing when it will be the end. Family members who don't really talk to anyone anymore...everyone has their own lives and no one talks. No more family get-togethers...no more phone calls really...no emails, texts, or messages. Nothing...it's so sad. I know I have Ryan and my kiddos...but I really do miss my sisters, brothers, parents, nieces, nephews...EVERYONE...what happened!?!?! Why can't we all just get along!?!?! (Again...another problem/issue that I just want to FIX and I can't)...Then the family that is close...that we still don't seem to see that often...people get "busy" or whatever and things just happen and time passes. Well...soon the time will not be there anymore...and then what will we have!?!?! Lots of "woulda, coulda, shoulda's"....and it's gonna suck. So how do we change that and fix it!?!?!?


7. ME...what happened to ME!?!?! I look at my life...I've gone through LOTS of pictures lately and thinking back on times and activities...we really change huh!?!?! But do we?? Some is for the better...some not so much. We had GREAT friends then...and meet GREAT people now...but have lost touch with the friends from before. Again...people get "busy" and then time is gone. So what can I do to help?? What can I do to change?? What can I do to improve?? I am a happy person...I really am...don't know if everyone knows that about me...but I am!!! ;) I like to smile, laugh, have fun, and have a good time...but lately I'm not. I put on a good show I think...but things are just tough...so where do I find ME again!?!?! 


8. Older generations...I LOVE THEM!!! I'm so grateful for the ones I have in my life...my parents...Ryan's parents...Ryan's grandparents...neighbors...friends...people in the neighborhood...I am SO blessed to have such REAL people and REAL love from them. I tell them over and over that I'd really spend a whole day with the "older generation" group then people my age. The mind set is so different...and they just love you for who you are and just really want a listening ear or a friend. I wanna be more like that. I appreciate the examples of people that age that I have...and these ages I'm talking about are 60+...they're just GREAT!!!


Ahhhhh...ok...I think that's about it...for now at least!!! SO...tell me...what is in YOUR heart...blog about it...comment...whatever!!! It is VERY relieving!!! Check it out...try it...you won't be sorry!!! ;)

My life lately = Reality & Discouragement...

So where to begin...MY life lately...I love my life...RIGHT!?!?! ;) Some days I really wonder WHAT THE HECK I'm supposed to do...or WHY I'm supposed to be going through this. It gets VERY hard at times...as you all know who are reading this...we're all human, and we ALL have challenges. 

So...this last week...well really just the weekend...I kept telling myself since last time I wrote...OK...I'm going to get better...I'm GOING to be making better choices food-wise...I WILL do this...then comes reality...lack of money...lack of groceries...lack of desire because everything else is lacking and "what's the point"...right!?!?! Well at least that's how I felt...judge if you'd like ;)

Saturday was a BUSY day...we went up to Logan, UT for a wedding of a dear, family friend...it was a BEAUTIFUL wedding...they're gorgeous together...and it was a GREAT day together with my sweet little family....aren't we cute!!!

But let's be honest...driving 2 1/2 hours north and hanging out in a town ALL day...can NOT be a good thing for "dieting" or "trying to eat good"...because what did we do...brought things in the van to snack on...brought donuts for the kids for breakfast cuz we didn't want to stop somewhere else...and then we went out for lunch together as a family...and they screwed up my GRILLED chicken sandwich order...so I got part of the bill taken off for that...but then they brought me a complimentary shake for screwing up...YUM!!! It was hot, and the ice cream was good...but I shouldn't have!!! ;) 

Then came Sunday...my lazy, busy, lack of eating day too!! Luckily we were invited over to some friends' house for dinner...so I didn't have to cook...THANKS PAKA ;) It was a great time...and she made a good meal!!!

Well...then it was Monday...the start of a NEW day, a NEW week, a NEW time for me...and what happens...I wake up on the WRONG side of the bed...the kids are EXTRA whiny and moody...I've had it with their talking back...then it got up to 95 degrees out...so it was HOT and MISERABLE...then naps came...(heavenly...even if it was only Kyson who slept)...and then we're back outside. The kids wanted water...and I come in to fill their cups...and NOTHING...the water wasn't working...LOVELY.

I called Ryan...who said he'd be coming home soon...I called the city to see if any lines had issues around us...I talked to neighbors...and of course it was ONLY our house...SO YAY...go us!!! This all started about 4:15...I had already pulled meat out and planned on making a good healthy taco salad dinner...but obviously...the water issue took over. SO...ya...come to find out there was a crack of some kind in a line of the water softener...and it was causing the water to suck up ALL the water softener beads through the pipes and faucets...causing it all to look like THIS...

Kitchen sink...

 Master bath sink...

 And the other bathroom sink...

 Nice huh!! ;) Don't be jealous of our SWEET water...Klous thought it was apple juice!!! ;) Anyways...got a neighbor over who was SO kind and willing to help us...during dinner time and family night...so THANK YOU ERIC!!! But...eventually he unhooked the water softener and it cleared right up...THANKFULLY!!! Now if only the stupid washer would work...eventually...UGH...

Anyways...what I am trying to get at is...LIFE JUST SUCKS SOMETIMES...and there's NOTHING we can do!!! Right!?!?!? 

WRONG...we can look at the positive...which is what Ryan is helping me do today...looking at the little blessings that have come of this...the fact that it is only the water softener and NOT replacing all the plumbing...cuz we were worried that would be it...the fact that we have neighbors who can help us...and on and on...

SO...what I'm needing to do today...and trying to tell myself over and over is this...I CAN get through this...I CAN still change and improve...I CAN be happy...and when I checked my trainer, friend Eric's facebook this morning...I saw numerous quotes that I REALLY needed...so here are a couple...

LOVE it...I've given up on my dreams...my goals...and I CAN'T...I'm the only one who can change things...and if I don't do it for myself...it won't happen...so I WILL do it!!!

 

And this...I just need to TRY...one foot then the other...I'll never know if I CAN do it...if I don't TRY...I need to do it...and so can any of you!! We just need to DO...
Then Eric's brother Dave...he's very helpful and inspirational as well...these are some he posted...and I wanted to share...this first one meant a LOT...at church on Sunday there was a lot of talk on challenges...and how we all have them...and one of the speakers even read a poem about getting up each time we fall...isn't that what life is about...if we didn't get UP...we wouldn't have much to live for right!?!?! So I need to GET UP...GET OUT...and GO!!!

And the obvious...well we don't realize it's so obvious...but I loved this anyways...I can still eat til I'm full...I can feed my body the food and fuel it needs...I just need to be eating the RIGHT stuff...not the crap...aka...donuts, snacks, sugar, CRAP that I've been eating TOO much of the last couple months...

So to my fellow bloggers, readers, friends, examples...THANK YOU for being patient with me...thank you for being there when I needed you...thank you for continuing to encourage me and compliment me...YOU are the ones who keep me going...and I WILL be back...I WILL be starting again...and I WILL succeed and fulfill me goals that I wanted for myself this year...we just all seem to get little hiccups along the way huh!!!

I've GOT to get back on track....

Alright people...I've been doing a LOT of thinking the last couple days. I've been depressed and down a LOT the last few weeks...and I've been REALLY slacking on the eating...exercise...desire...motivation...and just been having a LOT of excuses. UGH...isn't life grand!!!

Then I saw THIS on facebook yesterday...

And I KNEW I had to keep going. We all have our ups and downs...we all have our struggles and challenges in life...but there are SO many people out there that continue to GET UP...put their feet on the ground...and take one step and then another...one foot in front of the other...and just KEEP GOING. They don't let the challenges or struggles of the previous day stop them...they KEEP TRYING...
I can do that too...I CAN keep trying...I can start AGAIN tomorrow...and continue to strive to reach my goals. I still have my WHY list...and I see it and look at it daily...I have still NOT reached my 90-day goal...(run a 5k)...BUT...I'm a heck of a lot closer then I was months ago. I can't RUN that distance...but I can GO the distance...I'm building stamina, strength, and determination...and I hope one day SOON I WILL be able to RUN it. Then I have my 6 month goal coming up...(be comfortable in a swim suit at the waterpark)...uhhhhhhhhhhhh....7-Peaks will be opening NEXT weekend...I have the passes...my kids WILL go swimming there...but I am NOT so comfy in my suit yet...so again...I MUST keep pushing...

That's when I find THIS...and realize I MUST just start again...or I'll really be kicking myself...

Tonight I went to Zumba...I LOVED every second of it...the energy...the smiles...the people...the teacher...the friendships I've made...the break I get...the ME time I have...and the CHALLENGE that it is to GO, to FINISH, to SUCCEED...I CAN do this...I CAN make the changes...and I WILL see the results...
That's when I see THIS and smile :)

After Zumba...I went to the weight room...(first time in over a week...BOO) :)...anyways...I did my stuff...and then got on the mat for my ab/plank time...I hadn't done the plank in over a week...my body was SHAKING...my abs HURT...and my mind told me to GIVE UP...these were my thoughts..."you've done 30 seconds, you're good"..."no one else is joining you right now, so no one is paying attention"..."you're tired and can just stop, at least you did SOME"....WELL...I did the plank...I pushed through it...and before I knew it...I had gone my minute like I was used to. I WANT to go longer...but I gave up... I quit...and I fell to the mat. HOWEVER...I DID it...I DID some...and it was a STRUGGLE. 

To all those out there who WANT this so bad...you CAN do it...it won't be easy...but it will be SO worth it!!! One day at a time...one step in front of another...and you WILL succeed. If I can do this...so can YOU!!!

Thank you to those AMAZING Beachbody COACHES, friends, and family members who inspire me daily...for their quotes, thoughts, and POSITIVE attitudes that keep me going and realizing that even I can push through my negativity and issues!!! Thank you guys...you're AWESOME!!!

I LOVE...and I am Missing... :(

Been having a tough week this week...I've just been in a rut and can't seem to get out...doesn't help that I'm sore and have pulled muscles so I can't DO all the exercise and things I want to, to get RID of this gloom...but oh well...so here I sit today...thinking...

Thinking of my amazing blessings...  

My WONDERFUL husband who comes home everyday from work and loves me...wants to know how I'm doing...wants to help make my day better...and continues to LOVE me even when I'm such a beast and snot to him. He takes care of our family...provides for us...and loves us more then anything. Thank you Ryan...I love you MORE then you know...

 My 3 beautiful children...who even though they drive me NUTS a lot of days...I really wouldn't know what to do without these 3 monsters. They love me when I'm grumpy and have rules...they love me when I'm down and want to help cheer me up...they forgive at a drop of a hat...and have continuous smiles, jokes, and craziness for me!!! I really am blessed...

For the candid moments like these...where they just play together and help each other...and are kind to each other...they're normal siblings...I realize this...but sometimes the arguing, bickering, fighting, whining, and teasing just get SO old...but to see them have moments like this...make it ALL worth it!!! Someday they'll grow out of it...RIGHT!?!?!?! ;)

And for my sweet Klous...who was SO excited to pull these things out of his backpack yesterday after preschool!!! A BIG bookmark for me...with the sweetest, best message EVER...and for the innocence of a child...telling his teacher all these "favorites" about his Mommy...makes me smile and realize that it's the small, simple things that stick out and mean the most to him. I need to remember that more...and take advantage of the "dates" to Maceys with him!!!

But even though I have all that here...and I am MORE then lucky and grateful for all that I have...I have days that I miss things too...I try to be strong, and not show it...because I know my kids miss their cousins and family too...but if I'm complaining about it then it's harder on them too...but today is just one of those days...I miss my mom & dad...maybe it's cuz Mother's Day is this weekend...I don't know...but I would give anything to just have a weekend with them!!!

These two CRAZY, beautiful, loving, kind, helpful, AMAZING parents of mine...what would I be or do without them!?!?! Who knows...but I sure am grateful for all they are...all they do for me...and for their love and concern. Yes I'm 29 years old and have been married for 10 1/2 years...but I still miss my parents...I sure do love them!!!

Missing silly Mommy/sister times like this...

 

Missing my siblings and their CUTE families back there...(Minnesota)... 

My AMAZING brothers who I spent my life growing up with...they teased me...they weren't always nice (and neither was I)...but I miss them...I miss the jokes, the laughing til cereal comes out Andy's nose...they crazy eye looks from Danny...the FUN...I miss them...

And I miss my extended family...the beauty of Minnesota and the fun times I spend with people before they're gone...who knows when my Uncle Sonny or Aunt Marion will pass on...but I'm grateful for all the times I've had to visit with them and be at their farm...hopefully this picture won't be my last!?!?!

And I miss the BEAUTIFUL state of Minnesota...don't know that we'll be back this summer or not...but I miss it...if it wasn't so stinkin' far away...and so expensive to travel...we'd go back...but such is life...

Just had to vent...get my thoughts out...and share with those I love how much I LOVE them...how much I MISS them...and how much I appreciate them!!! There are plenty MORE people back there that I miss...(that I couldn't find pics of)...but I am also truly grateful for all that I DO have and that I get to be with and have around me daily in my life...I truly am blessed...and I really need to focus more on what I DO have...not what I'm "missing" out on...but I LOVE YOU ALL!!! :)

Struggle...Life...and such :)

Ok...well it's been awhile huh!?!?!?! :( I've been slacking at this blogging thing...and yet I STILL have people coming up and telling me..."I found your blog, it's so inspiring"...or "I love how honest you are on your blog...it motivates me"...or whatever it may be...so I guess I better NOT stop writing right!?!?! Because somewhere out there...I'm helping SOMEONE!!!!

Anyways...Life...isn't it grand!!! I've been down the last week...we did a yard sale last weekend and it really wore me out...it was good and we got rid of CRAP but I was so tired and worn out. I didn't get to do Zumba like usual...or do my morning walks...so I was REALLY moody and ornery as I would be when I miss my workouts. (Funny how they help me so much mentally) I've struggled with my thoughts...outlook on myself...my motivation...and so much more...

 I'm putting these random pictures/quotes in here...because I found them on a facebook page of a VERY successful Beachbody coach...and she looks AMAZING and has done SO good for herself health wise...I'd LOVE to reach those goals...so these things help motivate me!!! 

 The last while I've struggled with what others think...I was doing SO good at NOT caring...at NOT wanting to please everyone else...and then BAM...it just hits me again and all of a sudden that matters!?!?! I don't know what the deal is...but I need to pull my head out again. I DO matter...I DO come first...and I CAN change for the better. I always want to include everyone and not have others feel left out...and sometimes I just CAN'T...and that's ok...but I'm not realizing that as much.

Then there are other issues...family...friends...family...and more!!! I just want to help...I just want to be there...I just want to "fix" things to make them better and make them go away for others...and I CAN'T...last night I was down and upset...and Ryan asked what was the matter...I was talking to him and he looked at me and said..."Becki, is it something you have control over?"....NO DANG IT...I don't...but I wish I did...I wish I could. I wish people would just be happy...I wish people would just get along...I wish people could just get over things and move forward instead of dwelling on the past...it's so hard for me to sit back and watch...but really...I don't have any control over it...so it is what it is.

I just keep reminding myself I have an AMAZING hubby...3 healthy, BEAUTIFUL children...a roof over my head...clothes to wear...food to eat...and I should be MORE grateful for what i DO have. Not what I don't or what others have that I can't...life is hard...but it's hard for all of us...we all have our own issues and trials, and none of us really know what the other is going through. So for now...I will keep my chin up...I will continue to push through...I will be happy with what I have...and I will continue with my goals.

I LOVE this last picture...it's awesome!!! I need to get back to being so dedicated and proud of what I'm doing...I have gotten out every morning this week to walk/run my normal track...I went to Zumba last night AND did the weight room...and I RAN more this morning then I have in the last week...I am feeling GREAT today...(sore yes...but GREAT)!!! I am also teaching Zumba tonight for our Young Women at church...so that'll be fun!!! Anyways...I'm still here...I'm still pushing through...each day is a new adventure and start for me at times...but I will NOT give up...I will NOT stop...I will succeed and do what I set out to do!!!