The Light DOES come...after all the dust clears

 

Well it's been an interesting, overwhelming, thought provoking, blessing filled week for Becki Jones...funny how things work out to all make more sense after quite a bit of time.
Last week I was encouraged at my counseling appointment to write my feelings down, everything that was inside me and how I was feeling. WOW...what an experience that was...I didn't think it would be much, but once I started writing it all just came pouring out. It was cool...
I've gone back and forth on what to do with this...yes I've taken other steps and done more with it personally, and I can tell you that the blessings that have come to me are incredible. It's what I've been waiting for, for a LONG time...so what a huge relief, blessing, and a great sense of peace to come over me. All along though, I've felt that I should post it, so that's what I'm doing...Ryan thinks that maybe it's something that can help others at some point...and it has truly been a HUGE help and relief for me...so here it is~~~~~~



All of these things have been pretty major issues for me since receiving an anonymous letter in the mail. My anger, self doubt, self worth is LOW, constantly wondering what everyone around me might be thinking about me. I can’t face people or things I need to because of what I feel like inside. I’ve hid in my house, in my comfort zone, in my bubble for almost 18 months now, and I’m sick of hurting. My thoughts and beliefs of myself are lower then any other time in my life. The anger inside that I suffer from and the anxiety I feel when I have to face my neighbors and members of my ward. It’s not easy. I can’t listen to or see certain people talk, write, smile, or be happy at all, because I am hurting & suffering SO much inside, so WHY is it fair that they are  or can be so happy??? It’s NOT fair and what did I do to deserve this much pain and hurt?? I’ve suffered and lost almost 18 months of my life due to all of the affects of YOUR words and that letter.

When you wrote what you did, did you honestly look at the accusations, the cruelty, the blame, and the innocent people you listed, and feel that it was REALLY worth the PAIN, AGONY, TEARS, and endless HURT it would cause me?? Did you put yourself in MY shoes and consider how it would feel to receive something SO dishonest, SO unkind, SO painful?? And then to claim and say it was written out of LOVE??? What kind of love is that? Is that the same kind of love you show to your family and loved ones, to your true/closest friends?? There was NO love in any word or part of that letter, NO care or concern how much this would truly affect me. So what gave you the right to do it AND then not even put your name on it? If it was out of love, concern, and kindness, why not claim that and ADMIT that you did it??

I haven’t been able to be the wife, mother, friend, sister, Young Women’s leader, or any other responsibility I may have, to the BEST of my ability since I opened that letter. My mind, thoughts, love of myself, confidence, and many other things were completely shaken and turned upside down. As if I didn’t already struggle with depression, then to receive that, find out I’m pregnant, AND try to process it all and put all the pieces back together?? I couldn’t do it...and I still can’t, after all this time. I don’t know if it’s had a lasting affect on you, but it has had a major one on me AND my husband. More then I can explain, express, or share. It has not been easy by any means. My faith, testimony, and beliefs have wavered. I’m not one to be offended or scared away very easily, but this came from no where and completely knocked my feet out from under me.

We never truly know how our words or actions will affect another person, but I can honestly say that I, to this day, am VERY cautious now about who I let into my life, into my family, into my home, and into my heart because this has shown me that you never know how betrayed and hurt you can be by ONE person.

I can honestly say that I know that I am now on the path and taking the proper steps needed for Becki to get to a better place. No matter the numbers of professionals it takes, along with the incredible atonement of our Savior, I know I can heal and move forward. I’m sorry you felt the need to do this to me, but I won’t let it hold me back any longer, I deserve to be happy again. I AM worth that, and I DESERVE it.

 

 

So there you have it...a LOT of pent up feelings that have been stored away for too long. Through this entire process, I have had the incredible blessing and opportunity to TRULY see, feel, and know just how much MY Savior, Jesus Christ, has done for ME. The pains, feelings, burdens have been lifted. Sure I still remember, and will still be cautious and careful about who I really open up to, but now I know also that I have the power to decide how I will act and react. I don't have to give that power to anyone else...it is MINE and I deserve to be who I am and be happy, because that is the REAL Becki. It's still a work in progress...I'm still on the journey...and I still have a lot to learn/process. BUT...I am in a different place then I was a year ago, a month ago, a week ago...it has been totally worth it. And I will NOT quit...I'm ready for the blessings and happiness to come!!