Hi all :)
So I did my measurements again tonight after Zumba!!! I can't always notice the changes...but when I see the numbers...OBVIOUSLY there are changes...so that's exciting!!! Here's what they are at the beginning of April...
Rt. Arm - 12
Left Arm - 12
Chest - 40
Waist - 41
Rt. Thigh - 23 1/2
Left Thigh - 23 1/2
Hips - 43 1/2
Total Inches LOST... - 3 1/2 :) :) :)
Oh...and at Zumba tonight...I burned 782 calories and 101 grams of fat!! :) :)
Yay for me!!! I'm excited to see that things are happening...even when I'm so down on myself and hard on myself.
Now for a venting session...please bear with me...
It's been kind of a crazy week...month...whatever you want to consider it!! I've had lots on my mind...kids have been acting out and wanting warm weather so they can just be outside all the time...Ryan's stressed and trying to do the best he can for our family...and really...life just is a struggle isn't it!?!?! I've really been trying hard to stay positive the last while...and be happy and grateful for what I have...but at times I get so down. I get annoyed and frustrated with people and their comments or opinions...I get upset that we work hard...try our best...and yet still things don't seem to go our way...and more so lately I get upset that people who are the closest to us...they just don't get it...or don't care. I don't know...
I've always been a happy person...I've always wanted to make others happy...I've always been known for my smile and contagious laugh...I've always been there to help others out...and care a LOT more about how they're feeling or doing, rather then how I am. I don't know...obviously a LOT has changed in my life for the last 5 years especially...having kids will do that to you right!! But especially in the last 2 1/2 years things have gone downhill...depression...anxiety...loss of self-love...relationships falling apart with family members and friends...added stress and problems in our marriage/relationship...and more. I can't explain what's happened...I don't know why it's all hit now...and if I knew how to figure all that out I would.
I have a hard time with life DAILY...I have an even harder time with people who just DON'T get it...Obviously I don't choose to be like this...I don't want to deal with this anymore...if I could just shut it all off, I would...I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE...because it's not easy at all...and it's definitely NOT fun.
However...it is a challenge and trial I have been given...and over the last 2 years I've learned a LOT about depression...I've realize a LOT of what people go through who have it...and feel terrible for how I looked at those people and judged them in the past. I realize now what it's like to have terrible thoughts...reactions to things that would've never bothered you in the past...and feelings of ALWAYS being terrible and not good enough for anyone or anything.
I don't know where I'm wanting to go with this...I just want to let those people know who are closest to me...that NO...I am not the Becki I was 10 years ago...5 years ago...2 1/2 years ago...I try each day to smile and look at the GOOD in my life...I fail a LOT it seems...and I complain or say things that shouldn't be said...and I'm sorry. Please be patient with me...please know that in time things will get better...(at least I hope)...and somewhere inside me IS that Becki that people know and love. I haven't found her yet...and when I do it'll be a great day...or even when I come to accept and realize that this "new" Becki is good enough!! I need help...but more importantly I need people to NOT judge and think that there's nothing wrong. I just need help...
Sorry for the venting...sorry for the long, babbling post...but I needed to say something...and this is it I guess. Thank you to everyone who actually reads this and continues to be there for me no matter what. It means more then any of you will ever know!!!
6 comments:
LOVE YOU!!! Becki, That "old" Becki doesn't need to come back, it is the "new" Becki that OTHER people need to accept. You are probably different, and you are going through trials that help you grow, so that even though you think that old person is someone you want to be again, you are where you are spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and even physically for a reason... to strengthen your life and help you come closer to Christ. I hope that makes sense? Some people in my life tell me the same things, and at this point all I can say is "Thank GOODNESS I am not that person anymore!" Yeah, we struggle and life is hard- I understand more than you know, but we are who we are and through the depression, and the self doubt, we are better. You are an amazing girl, and I love you dearly. Just remember to keep praying, you will come out on the other side!:)
I agree with Lilly. People are constantly changing and evolving. These difficulties that you are going through are continuing to shape who you are as a person. Even though you are down sometimes, I still see a happy, loving person in you. You are one of the most giving people I have ever met, but you need to give more to yourself. I'm incredibly proud of all the strides you are making to be healthier. You are doing so much better than I am and you are an inspiration to me. If people can't accept this fantastic Becki, it is their loss. You are awesome, struggles and all, and I am proud to have you as such a great friend. I love you!!
I love Lilly's response and completely agree! That refiner's fire is not a comfortable place to be, but over time, and with lots of prayer, you will see growth in your life. Just like the measurements you take each month - Each time, there is progress you didn't realize was there. I think back to the the person I was 20 years ago, and realize how my perspectives have changed. I still have so many doubts and struggle with self-worth, but I know I'm progressing, slowly and steadily. You are on the right path and making progress. It's just hard to see it right now. Congratulations on your inches lost! You're an amazing example!!!
Amen to all that. When I was going into the hospital to have Claire, I remember praying, please don't let this take long, I don't think I can handle it. It was the one thing I wanted. It took 40 hours, way too long to have a baby that wasn't alive. I learned more in that 40 hours of extreme trial that I have over years. I would never take it back. You are in the middle of your "40 hours" the only thing required of you is patience. When the hardest part of it is over you will look back and value this experience. Hang in there, the Lord is there for you. And so am I and all these people who comment on your blog and love you NO MATTER WHAT!
Becki, I can't imagine that anyone who knows you (now, you) doesn't love you. You are awesome! You're still funny and loving and great. Having depression and other issues that come from being a mom and growing older do not make you less lovable. In fact, at our age (we ARE getting old, you konw), being able to relate to others with problems and be more serious is a good thing. You're still a happy person! It's hard to accept that we're not as close to some people as we'd like, but you have to take what you get! Do the best you can to stay in touch and let them know you're there, BUT keep supportive, loving, involved people around you. You can't live life any other way. Everyone has to decide how much to give to relationships, and pushing by one side to have more doesn't often work if the desire isn't there on both parts. This is especially tough if it's family. But just keep your true friends close and try to add more to that circle as others are willing. You can do it! You are great how you are today. Of course, we always strive to be better, more compassionate, better moms, better wives, healthier, stronger...but you are loved as you are right now, by Heavenly Father and by so many in your life. Including me!
I love what Lilly and Caradon said (and I didn't have time to read the others). I was thinking those same things, but didn't have time to find the words. Keep on keepin' on!
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